GUARDS! GUARDS!
Created | Updated Feb 13, 2002
GUARDS! GUARDS!
By
Terry Pratchett
This is a Fantasy book which makes fun of fantasy. It’s introduction goes something like this:
The palace guards, the watch—whatever their name—their role is always the same. At around Chapter Three (or ten minutes into the movie), they rush into a room and get slaughtered single-handedly by some young hero. Nobody ever asked them if they wanted that role.
This book is dedicated to those fine men.
I like this book very much. It is very funny, especially if you have read some other books of fantasy, which I have.
The story takes place in Ankh Morpork, a dirty city that is mostly slums. Crime has been legalised, so the night watch has dwindled to four men who just wander the streets and try to stay out of trouble.
In charge of the night watch is Captain Vimes, a smart veteran who was around when the watch actually did something. He is a sort of dour, pessimistic, but tough man. Then comes Colonel Colin, a fat man who overflows from his moulded breastplate. He doesn’t know very much but he tries to appear knowledgeable in front of Corporal Nobby, his subordinate and night watch partner. Nobby is an extremely ugly looking man. His armour seems to rust immediately, no matter how new, and all his cigarettes seem to start out as dog ends. Then there is Carrot, the newest member of the night watch, who actually wanted to be part of it. He replaced Rach who made the mistake of running too fast and actually catching the person he was running after. Carrot is called Carrot, not because of his hair, but because of his physique. He was brought up by dwarves, but had to go work with his own kind when his size became a problem in the mines. He writes his mother everyday. He is not very shrewd, but the thought of breaking the tiniest rule, or being lazy, or messy, or selfish, or unfair, or bad at something has never even tried to cross within ten feet of his mind.
Unbeknownst to the night watch, somewhere in the city, one of the many secret societies is trying to make a king. Their plan is to call up a dragon to wreak havoc on the city. Then they will get a handsome young dandy who knows how to flourish a sword, but is very controllable. They will give him a bright, shiny sword and a pretty birthmark and they will get him to hit the dragon on the nose. Then they will make the dragon disappear in a lot of smoke. The people of Ankh Morpork will instantly proclaim the young dandy king and the secret society will have control of the city.
The secret society actually manages to pull all of this off, while the night watch bumbles around trying to figure out what to do about the dragon. In fact, the watch only manages to accomplish one significant thing, which is to meet up with a large noblewoman who has too much time on her hands and likes to breed swamp dragons. In meeting her, they also meet a runt dragon whose wings are too small to fly. They also acquire the information that dragons can rearrange their insides.
Everything settles down in Ankh Morpork and it seems that all is well, until the dragon finds its way back into the Dimension of Discworld (on which is situated Ankh Morpork). It wreaks more havoc on the city; kills all the secret society members, including the king; and proclaims itself king of the city. This looks very bad for the city because the dragon demands much gold for its hoard.
The night watch goes around trying to figure out what to do and it does many insignificant things, including: CaptainVimes getting himself stuck in a cell with the former patrician of the city; Carrot arresting many people including the dragon king; and the adding of an orangutang to their ranks. The only thing that manages to do anything significant is the runt dragon. He rearranges his insides so that he shoots fire out of his other end. This enables him to fly very fast using his wings to steer. He hits the dragon king with a sonic boom and then the two of them fly off together. At this point Captain Vimes looks questioningly at the large noblewoman.
“It seems our king was female.”
Captain Vimes is my favourite character because his is so sour, but is funny in his dourness.
Terry Pratchett has written many books about Discworld. All the ones I have read have been very funny.
By
Terry Pratchett
This is a Fantasy book which makes fun of fantasy. It’s introduction goes something like this:
The palace guards, the watch—whatever their name—their role is always the same. At around Chapter Three (or ten minutes into the movie), they rush into a room and get slaughtered single-handedly by some young hero. Nobody ever asked them if they wanted that role.
This book is dedicated to those fine men.
I like this book very much. It is very funny, especially if you have read some other books of fantasy, which I have.
The story takes place in Ankh Morpork, a dirty city that is mostly slums. Crime has been legalised, so the night watch has dwindled to four men who just wander the streets and try to stay out of trouble.
In charge of the night watch is Captain Vimes, a smart veteran who was around when the watch actually did something. He is a sort of dour, pessimistic, but tough man. Then comes Colonel Colin, a fat man who overflows from his moulded breastplate. He doesn’t know very much but he tries to appear knowledgeable in front of Corporal Nobby, his subordinate and night watch partner. Nobby is an extremely ugly looking man. His armour seems to rust immediately, no matter how new, and all his cigarettes seem to start out as dog ends. Then there is Carrot, the newest member of the night watch, who actually wanted to be part of it. He replaced Rach who made the mistake of running too fast and actually catching the person he was running after. Carrot is called Carrot, not because of his hair, but because of his physique. He was brought up by dwarves, but had to go work with his own kind when his size became a problem in the mines. He writes his mother everyday. He is not very shrewd, but the thought of breaking the tiniest rule, or being lazy, or messy, or selfish, or unfair, or bad at something has never even tried to cross within ten feet of his mind.
Unbeknownst to the night watch, somewhere in the city, one of the many secret societies is trying to make a king. Their plan is to call up a dragon to wreak havoc on the city. Then they will get a handsome young dandy who knows how to flourish a sword, but is very controllable. They will give him a bright, shiny sword and a pretty birthmark and they will get him to hit the dragon on the nose. Then they will make the dragon disappear in a lot of smoke. The people of Ankh Morpork will instantly proclaim the young dandy king and the secret society will have control of the city.
The secret society actually manages to pull all of this off, while the night watch bumbles around trying to figure out what to do about the dragon. In fact, the watch only manages to accomplish one significant thing, which is to meet up with a large noblewoman who has too much time on her hands and likes to breed swamp dragons. In meeting her, they also meet a runt dragon whose wings are too small to fly. They also acquire the information that dragons can rearrange their insides.
Everything settles down in Ankh Morpork and it seems that all is well, until the dragon finds its way back into the Dimension of Discworld (on which is situated Ankh Morpork). It wreaks more havoc on the city; kills all the secret society members, including the king; and proclaims itself king of the city. This looks very bad for the city because the dragon demands much gold for its hoard.
The night watch goes around trying to figure out what to do and it does many insignificant things, including: CaptainVimes getting himself stuck in a cell with the former patrician of the city; Carrot arresting many people including the dragon king; and the adding of an orangutang to their ranks. The only thing that manages to do anything significant is the runt dragon. He rearranges his insides so that he shoots fire out of his other end. This enables him to fly very fast using his wings to steer. He hits the dragon king with a sonic boom and then the two of them fly off together. At this point Captain Vimes looks questioningly at the large noblewoman.
“It seems our king was female.”
Captain Vimes is my favourite character because his is so sour, but is funny in his dourness.
Terry Pratchett has written many books about Discworld. All the ones I have read have been very funny.
