Pop-Tarts
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
In the Beginning...
At first there was bread. Six thousand years later, in 1919, the toaster was invented. People began enjoying toast. Fifty years after the invention of the toaster, North America experienced unparallel economic growth and developed a need and eventual taste for convenience foods. On February 16, 1964, Post (makers of Tang) thought they had the perfect convenience food for harried mothers: a rectangular toaster pastry called "Country Squares". Country Squares was based on research Post made into Gains Burgers, a semi-moist dog food that could sit on a shelf in foil envelopes.
Alas, the product was a failure. This was the swinging '60s, baby. North American culture was on the move. You had to be "hip". It was about space. You had to be groovy like a NASA astronaut. You had to wear silver. Your campus architecture had to look like it was about to leap off its foundations and launch itself into orbit. You couldn't be hip if you were eating something "square". And you certainly didn't power your go-go lifestyle with anything made by country folk. Country Squares? *puhleeeez*
Toaster Pastry 2.0
Despite Post's failure, Kellogg's thought there was a huge market for toaster pastry if properly and cleverly marketed. On September 14, 1964, Kellogg's introduced Pop-Tarts. Pop-Tarts was a pun of "pop art" and, god, Andy Warhol was cool. Wasn't he? Although the food was marketed as fun! hip! (the first ads for the products featured an animated toaster named Milton, not some slacked-jawed inbred smelly mountain man trying to push Country Squares *eye roll*), Kellogg's played hardball with retailers. First, Pop-Tarts was always a plural (like "pants"). Second, Pop-Tarts were not to be stocked in the cereals section. They could be stocked in the Baked Goods, Cookie, or the Cake Mix section. Are we clear?
Pop-Tarts original four flavors were strawberry, blueberry, brown sugar cinnamon, and apple currant (bleck). Apple currant soon faded into history, replaced by chocolate and versions covered with Sprinkles (later Kellogg's introduced Stay-Shur Sprinkles that would not come off and foul your toaster).
Where other toaster foods have failed, like Downyflake Toaster Eggs, ReddiWip's Reddi Bacon, Toaster Chicken Patties, and Highliner's Toast-a-Bass, Pop-Tarts has remained over that last three decades a reliable staple, a comfort food, and a needed late-night study break food. At the end of the 20th century, Pop-Tarts sales spiked. Its high calories and long shelf life made it a perfect survival food for Y2K survivalist freaks.
The Pop-Tart Blow Torch Effect
Pop-Tarts suffered a bit of bad press in the mid-'90s when it was scientifically demonstrated that the suckers were highly flammable. You could turn your innocent toaster into a blow torch if you cooked a Pop-Tart beyond its recommended cooking time.
The Pop-Tart Blow Torch Effect was unwittingly discovered by Thomas Nangle of Springfield, Ohio. His toaster failed to properly deploy his strawberry Pop-Tarts and giant flames emerged from his toaster and toasted his kitchen to the tune of $3,000 damage. Nangle's insurance company refused to pay for it as they blamed the accident on negligent cooking. Nangle's local fire department decided to investigate this claim about a previously unknown ignition source and managed to duplicate Nangle's "accident". Dave Barry picked up on the local news and he himself conducted his own Pop-Tarts experiment. After Barry's expose, much of the world was left in disbelief that a loved comfort food could be so dangerous. What next? Would we be told Silly String is dangerous around the open flames atop a birthday cake?
Texas A&M professor Patrick Michaud, the leading authority in the emerging field of Food Entertainment, decided the world needed science to weigh in with an objective opinion. In a series of controlled experiments, Michaud discovered a standard off-the-snack-shelf Pop Tart can produce 18" high flames within 40 seconds of ignition.
With this mounting evidence, Nangle threatened to haul Kellogg's into court. Kellogg's settled out of court for $2,400.
