h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

(NB This is taken from a book and I take no responsibility for it being wrong.)
No, the ultimate martial art is Llap-Goch the welsh martial art. It is based on simple logic.
It is well known that attack is the best form of defence. Therefore, the best way to defend yourself would be to attack someone before they attacked you, or even better, before the thought of doing so had even occured to them!
A mighty Llap-Goch leek-coloured-belt can render smeone unconscious before they are even aware of his existence!
No longer need you look pityful and spotty in front of your girlfriend! They will all certainly be very impressed, and you will be able to snog up to as many as you want in the time it takes you to realise that this sentence is meaningless as the phrase 'up to' clearly includes the number 'nought'.