h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Several years ago, my wife and I were dining in an Indian restaurant in Toronto, Akbar's Court by name. It was dimly lit; had Moghul pictures and brass all over the place, and sitar music at the edge of audibility. As we ate, conversing like the other patrons in hushed tones, it became obvious that there was a problem between a waitress, a tall white girl, and the serene manager and proprietor. It was also obvious that this problem (something about unpaid wages, it now appeared) was about to undergo a dramatic escalation. We waited, forks poised, with baited breath. Suddenly in a catharsis of righteous indignation, the waitress stormed through the dining room, hurling threats over her shoulder at the inscrutable owner. Timed perfectly to strike as she reached the door, he bellowed "Your face looks like a monkey's ass!" Then, with an apologetic smile at the gasping diners, returned to the kitchen.

What always amazes me in these places, and yes, I've been in quite a few is the way the manager manages to instantly switch from the sweetness and light manner in which he addresses his diners to spitting fire at his staff. I'm sure these insults lose a lot in the translation though, probably in a similar way to the menus.

The India Garden is a relatively new establishment and they're still trying very hard to impress. Two hard. You can easily find yourself with two waiters hovering around your table, asking your repeatedly what you think of the meal... and I don't know about you, but that makes me suspicious about what I'm eating...

We have excellent curry houses in gloucester - no other restaurants but excellent curry houses. I'm not quite sure why but I don't really care so long as they stay in business!

Do you take an active role in keeping them in business?

I do like a good curry. We used to have a curry club at work - very civilised. The first friday of every month we'd all pay 7 quid for a curry and a pint at lunchtime (which was VERY reasonable). The dishes were chosen by the chairman, and we would normally share two dishes (one strong and one mild) between two. You never knew what you'd get, and it was a great education! Especially when one of the new guys found out those "green beans" weren't beans!

Well, before this local curry house opened the take away in the next town sent us a Christmas card for the last two years!

I play a very active role in keeping them open especially the balti houses. For years all you got to choose from as a veggie was vegetable biriyani and vegetable curry with a choice of strength. But in the Balti houses there is as much to choose from as on the carnivore menu so a good vegetable dansak or a spinach & mushroon balti usually sees me right (if you know what I mean!)

Yeah, sounds rather good. For years the vegetable curry was just a side dish, and then they suddenly realised that there were some who didn't go for the meat dishes, even when they actually named the meat. So the choice is getting a little better now. I must admit I do like a nice dansak... cor, I've only just had my dinner and you've got my mouth watering already! The best thing about curry houses is the humourous spelling of the menu, and the fighting you can hear from the kitchens!

And the way they look at you as if you are mad if you try to book a table for Friday or Saturday night later than 10 pm because they know it'll be full of the local football/rugby teams who've been out on the razz.

i know, me best mate and I did this one night and it was a most unpleasant experience being the only women in there. The waiters were trying to get us to hurry so we could leave before the curry fights started.

I don't know how they put up with the stick from the after-pub crowd! Those guys must have the patience of a saint! If you know the right place though, you can get a table at that time. There's one place I went to, where they had two sections, one for the "8 pints and a curry" lot, and then a smaller section hidden away for regulars . I can understand why the waiters would have been concerned. Did you escape in time? I can imagine that you would get rather a lot of unwanted attention!

This curry house in Smallfield is a long walk from the only pub, so that's got to be a good point I guess.

Yeah we escaped but we don't have things that easy in Gloucester. All the curry houses are next to pubs and they're all small so there are no quite corners to hide in. I think in the end me and my mates have just decided to be brazen although we go in much larger groups nowadays!

So you play the part of the large rowdy drunken crowds eh . While you may have a problem finding a quiet curry house, at least you've got a choice!

Aren't you supposed to be updating this page? Nag nag nag