h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Bob was so terrified that he wet the bed. The axe was unimpressed, and hissed at him menacingly. Bob leapt from between the covers and collapsed, quaking, in the corner of the room.

"Don't!" he screamed, "My mother used to hiss menacingly whenever I wet the bed, the evil old witch!"

The axe rose up from under the pillow and began to drift through the air towards him...

"Ah, yes, your dear, dear mother. Quite the tastiest little feast I ever had.." hissed the axe. "Twas she that gave life to me..."

"But, but, but..."

Bob blubberd,

"...my therapist says that 'zomtimes a cigar zis just a cigar' and that 'my mother was just zis guy you know'."

"He never said anything about an axe..."

Bob shot upright in bed, pouring sweat. "What's wrong with me", he thought. Checking under his pillow, there was the axe, snug and secure where it had always been. "Am I losing my mind?" he wondered, and went to the mirror to look at his own pale and terrified face. He turned on the radio, somewhat reluctantly and with a bit of a cringe. It was chattering on about the weather. His eyes kept shooting over to where the axe lay.....

...when he heard the radio reporting a live interview with Rick Moranis threatening copywrite infringement of the plot of "Little House of Horrors"...
Bob looked at the axe. The axe looked sheepishly at Bob. The axe started shrinking...
The radio continued "and 'Honey I shrunk the kids'"...
The axe froze, unsure of it's next move...it's so difficult to come up with original story lines these days. Bob sympathized by confessing that just last year he'd had to free the young girl he had stashed in his basement and burn the project he'd been working on with those nice fresh skins...

Just then, the doorbell rang...

HE walked to the door, trmbling all the way, and as he opened the door he heard a terrible rasping noise, he was almost scared to look. but look he did and it turned out to be Nora Batty!
"I herad you wanted to talk to me. What was it about"
jast as bob started to reply he heard a whooshing whirring noise. thwe axe was coming down the stairs it reached the door and started tolunge at Nora!
"Come on bob" it said
"you know that you want to help" bob grabbed the axe...

...and the next thing he knew, he was digging a shallow grave in the back yard. "Why am I digging with an axe?" he wondered. He finished burying the bits of Nora and went to scrub up....

...making sure that he cleaned under his fingernails...

...and behind his ears (just in case, mind)...