Compilation Tapes
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
First Principles:
A Compilation Tape, as you, Esteemed Reader, are no doubt well aware, is a collection of various songs by various artists, collected together and recorded by the "Compilation Taper" on one tape. Admittedly, this tape may well be a CD, or one of a plethora of other formats that are currently available, but the word tape will serve for our purpose, as lengthy appendices are often dull.
Also, it should be stated for legal reasons that the included compositions should be copies of music that you have already purchased,...(Does that Rottweiller* always grin like that, Mr Record Company Legal Department?), or indeed, non-copyrighted music, eg. Tuneless Shower Opera.
Oh, yeah, and...(digging out prepared record company statement)..'the copies supplied to the recipient of the Compilation Tape should be considered a loan, in order to recommend the purchase of the copyrighted material'. Phew!
Normally, the reason for making the Compilation Tape, is that you particularly like the songs in question, and can't be bothered to carry a big bag with your twenty favourite albums in it.
The 'compilation' of these well-loved pieces of music on one tape, offers the listener the benefits of variety, easy accessibility, and continued lumbar health.
Functionality:
Any amateur psychologist (or late-night pub bore) will tell you, quite rightly, that the music we listen to, reflects both our character and attitudes. This pearl of wisdom has led to a dramatic change in the function of compilation tapes. Far from being just a convenient way of avoiding crippling spinal injuries, for many they have taken on a deeper significance.
And thus, the birth of a phenomenon: The Compilation Tape as Secret Message
Compilation Tapes allow the Taper to say things to the recipient that would, if expressed face to face, certainly earn them:
a) disdainful mockery
b) a slap in the face
c) a day in court, or:
d) a particularly harrowing combination of all three.
The most common secret message type is, of course, the expression of undying love.
However, some other popular applications are:
Blackmail Tool : 'I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus' - The Jackson 5
Confession : 'Family affair' - Sly and The Family Stone
'Dear John' Letter ** : 'You can't always get what you want' - The Rolling Stones
Pay Attention, Here comes the Science:
The Taper chooses a collection of songs that accurately reflect or illustrate the burning sentiments to be expressed, and records them in the most appropriate running order.
He or she then delivers the tape to the intended recipient, whilst trying to sound casual about it, ie. not saying 'I spent hours on this, just for you, you will listen to them all, won't you? I hope you do......it's just that, well.......well, it's just important, that's all.'
The Recipient then goes off and listens to the tape, musing over the emerging pattern, until Eureka! Your message is delivered, evoking the appropriate inner rosy glow / vomiting (delete as applicable), and a prompt response should be forthcoming, whether it's a confirmation of mutual admiration, your P45***, a knock on the door by their burly spouse, or indeed, a letter from their solicitor.
The Compilation Tape as Love Letter:
In this age of emotional bluff and counter-bluff amongst the many protagonists of "The Dating (and indeed, Mating) Game", any clues as to how the unfathomable object of your desire / devotion / desperation actually feels about you, should be pounced upon hungrily.
And any opportunity to express your own deep-seated hankerings to your chosen target, whilst still avoiding the frankly foolhardy risk that wrapping your arms around their legs, and sobbing "But I love you!" entails, should also be most welcome to the meek and musical among us.
The choice of songs usually reflects a perceived musical and intellectual compatibility between the two of you, and implies that you think this compatibility may extend to other areas. This aspect can be highlighted if you include the song "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls on your tape.
Thus, the Compilation Tape allows a meeting of hearts and minds between two potential soul-mates without the agony of teary, vodka-fuelled karaoke renditions of The Carpenter's "Close to You".
Flaws of the Compilation Tape:
The Compilation Tape is not a dead cert. Common problems include the following:
A) Your intended recipient is exceedingly dim, and just thinks you like spreading the musical wealth.
B) Your intended recipient has had a series of horrible life experiences, which are, by a dastardly quirk of fate, irrevocably linked in their mind to the exact series of songs you have picked out for them.
C) Your intended recipient is deaf.
Whilst Compilation Tapes can reveal the sender as a thoughtful individual with hidden depths, it is probably only fair to mention that this description can often be subtly altered in the mind of the recipient to read "dangerous obsessive with worrying and possibly illegal intentions". In which case, you should be sure to have that copy of your "Plea Bargaining" Compilation Tape and your passport to hand.
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* A Rottweiller is a kind of dog that looks like it not only chases, but catches and eats buses. See 'The Omen' for details.
** A 'Dear John' letter is the one that starts..... 'Dear John, sorry I'm not home like I normally am when you return from work, but there's something I feel I have to tell you. Over the past few months, I have needed someone to talk to, and he was just there at the right (or wrong) time. Your brother Michael, that is......'
*** A P45 is the nice little piece of paper you get from an employer in the UK, when they become your former employer.
