The Curious Adventures of Mr Foil
Created | Updated Oct 9, 2005
SCOTT
Some of what you will hear in the next half a hour I have made up for purely comic reason's and some of it is true. It's is up to you decide between truth and untruth. For those of you in relationships with women or men of loose virtues it may be a valid exercise.
Let me tell you a little about myself, My name is Scott and up until this moment in time I have lived in various places around the world including Wales, England , South Africa and for one memorable year the remote country of Bhutan. As you may appreciate this lead to a varied and colorful upbringing. But because during the next half a hour you will be hearing a lot of my voice, I will let my friends describe me for you.
FEMALE 1
Scott is a six foot sex god with the sexual appetite of a squadron of army recruits.
SCOTT
As you can imagine this was an extremely proud weekend's work for me, a performance I have seldom surpassed, although I try and get as much practice at it I can.
JOHN
[ MUTED CONVERSATION IN THE BACKGROUND ]
Well it's quite difficult to describe Scott without breaking a number of decency laws, but the closest I can get to is that he is a drug crazed German dwarf with nazi tendencies. Although he is a very TALL dwarf.
SCOTT
With friends like these.......well I have certain information about John and If he doesn't behave himself the I'll be washing his dirty laundry in public. Revenge is often sweet.
CHRIS
Enough with the descriptions get on with it.
SCOTT
O.K. take it easy tiger. Because this is my story and not yours I will not be approaching this in a purely chronological manner, but this is your problem and not mine. Try and pay attention. One of my earliest memories was of Africa, my family had emigrated to a small town quite near Johannesburg called Secunda. My father worked in the oil refinery there, it was an ideal place to grow up, with the rolling veldts and the seemingly endless skies. We frequently went out of day trips around the local area, this day trip however would remain permanently etched into my mind. A nearby town had as it’s only attraction a collection of warm outdoor springs, the town was unimaginatively called Warm Springs, after a day of splashing around in it's pleasantly warm but pungent waters we started our journey home. Now my younger brother was a very active and vocal child and on the way back to our car he spotted a large toy shop, and as I suspect that children are programmed to act he demanded the my parents immediately take us in and buy us half the contents of the shop.
[ SOUND OF YOUNG CHILD SCREAMING AND THROWING A TANTRUM]
Now my parents are no fools and said the we could each by one toy each. Thus my brothers consumerist urges had been sated, we carried on our journey home. It was a pretty uneventful journey until about twenty minutes from home when a car full of young lads began to tale gate us, driving extremely close to us and sounding their horn continuously. The cars occupants were making hand signals that no child should ever see. My father is the type of man that takes no slight on his families honor and was not amused by this, but as a man of infinite resource immediately knew how to extract his revenge. After winding down the car window, he lent back as asked my brother for the toy that he had, unfortunately for the pursuing car occupants, Glenn my brother had with what now seem amazing prescience chosen a very life like looking toy gun. The toy gun which was no pointing out of my fathers window.
The reaction that this provoked was some short of a miracle, being something of a curious child I watched the occupants of the following car, all the passengers began to slap and hit the driver of the now rapidly decelerating car.
[SOUND OF SCREECHING BRAKES]
The car swerved violently across are mercifully empty road and continued it's erratic journey until it's progress was halted by a telegraph pole
[SOUND OF CRASH ]
The cars occupants spilled out of the smash and scurried up the roadside verge, still hitting and kicking the driver. Unfortunately for my mother she had chosen moments before this to eat a boiled sweet which for the next minutes or two choked rather nosily on.
SCOTT
We didn't stay that long in Africa for a variety of reasons and soon returned back to our homeland of Wales. There is something about Wales that makes people return to it, no matter how far or for how long you are away from it. The Welsh are a nation that really knows how to enjoy themselves. Throughout my life I have always spent time in pubs and particularly enjoyed drinking.
CHRIS
You must excuse my friend's slight understatement, he is famed throughout the land as Oliver Reed drinking stunt double.
SCOTT
Yes, quite. Is not untrue that I have drunk my fair share. I have only ever drunk one drink, but unfortunately it has come in hundreds if not thousands of different glasses.
this next episode from my past illustrates what could be seen as one of the more negative side effects of large quantities of alcohol. You will have to excuse my bad manners in not introducing my friends Chris and John but as they often show me signs of unforgivable importance they do not deserve such a honor. Surfice it to say they have know me for a number of years, something for which they deserve some kind of recognition. The boys are in a band. That may strike terror into some of the listeners hearts, but ye of little faith, they are not a fourth rate covers band but actually a first rate original band and are destined to go far. One night I accompanied them to one of their performances in a small town in West Wales. It was on the journey down that I began to suspect the night would not pass without event, and I was right.
JOHN
After you know Scott for a while you begin to recognize the signs of some unusual about to happen. After much humping of equipment we set of to the gig. Chris and Scott sat in the back of the van as there was no room up front. As there was no music or any other forms of diversion, Chris and Scott took along the liquid variety of entertainment, two bottles of vodka, and a couple of cans of a well know energy giving drink which is currently popular amongst the young people, because I was driving I didn't have the opportunity to enjoy such frivolities.
SCOTT
Thank you John, but I will take it from here. I feel that you don't have the necessary flair to continue. You must excuse John, but I suspect playing excessively loud music has addled his brain. We continued westward but our progress was halted by the police, the van pulled dutifully over to the side of the road and awaited the bad news from the policeman, we suspected the John had not being paying the correct attention to his driving. But this was not the case, it was just a routine stop and check, but I suspect there is no such thing. Chris and I sat the back of the van and awaited our fate, the boys up in front carried on as though we didn't exist and sometimes I have my doubts as well. When calamity struck when I saw the half drunk bottles of vodka, I was quite sure that the police would not take to kind a view to this. I'm used to staring danger in the face but Chris.... well I was not to sure how he would cope with the pressure. There was only one thing to do. Drink the evidence, luckily for us the journey down was as boring as being stranded in Milton Keyenes for a weekend, and there was not to much left to drink. I had just finished the last couple of drops and lent back against the door to regain my composure when the policeman open the bloody door. It's is a very difficult thing to try and maintain one's dignity when you are sprawled on the road staring up at an astonished constable. But this policeman must have been made of stern stuff because he barely batted an eyelid, he just said
[SOUNDS OF SIRENS IN THE BACKGROUND]
POLICEMAN
You dirty little tinker
SCOTT
He then searched as all, perhaps believing in the myth that all rock and roll stars must consume vast amount of drugs on a daily basis. But I was in for special treatment, and was made to remove my shoe and socks. What a sight we must has looked for the passing motorists I can only imagine. We got off lightly, with only a verbal dressing down for my drunkenness and a stern talking to Chris
POLICEMAN
Not seriously going to wear that on the stage are you boy? I might just run you in for that, you look bloody ridiculous.
[SOUNDS OF LAUGHTER IN THE BACKGROUND ]
SCOTT
I think a little explanation is required, Chris was wearing a white suit, also a large pith helmet that he had painstakingly painted gold. He alone was enough the stop the passing traffic, the others, well they just looked like an explosion in an abattoir. I course looked immaculate, and would have stopped traffic, BUT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.
FEMALE 1
Ever since that weekend Scott has never been quite himself, I think I may have broken him, he certainly never walked the same way again.
SCOTT
Thank you for that untimely interruption. So our journey continued. In a matter of minutes just as we were entering the town we the boys were playing we were stopped again by the police. No matter what others say about our hard working police force, they do have a sense of humor. I think this is why we were stopped again, today's communications systems make the spread of information almost instant and enabled the first policeman to tell all his mates in the locality to stop our van. Policemen like a laugh like anybody else. So we were subjected to a thinly disguised stop and search again. The signs we readily apparent, barely suppressed similes and uncalled for giggling were rife. I was beginning to think that we would never reach the gig, but eventually we did.
Chris and I were in advanced stages of refreshment and moved the equipment of out of the van with unaccustomed speed. We settled down at the bar to keep up of blood alcohol levels in cased they dropped.
CHRIS
This is where Scott's downfall came, he turned to me and idly asked where he could get a large roll of foil from. When you have known Scott is long as long as I have you, learn not to ask the question WHY?. Due to my own drunkenness I asked around the club where we could get some from., much to the bemusement of everyone.
SCOTT
Perhaps this bemusement was understandable, but annoying all the same. The reason that I wanted the foil was not even clear to me, but I have learnt to follow my instincts and they seldom let me down. We asked everyone in the bar, but to no avail .Chris finally in desperation asked their manager who disappeared promptly. The time for the boys to go on stage was rapidly approaching and we all went in to the dressing rooms, the boys to get ready, and myself to find a chair that didn't wobble to much. Although I did not seem that steady, I was made even unsteadier when the boys manager came into the dressing room. He was carrying a large roll of tin foil.
MARK
Here you go boys, just dont tell me what you want it for.
SCOTT
I was now in a difficult position, what to do?. I couldn't just let him turn up with this and do nothing, I have to be a real ass hole to do that.
SCOTT TO MARK
You can bloody well keep your poxy foil
SCOTT
This did not amuse. For it turns out that Mark had asked the club's manager if they had any foil. They did not , but as the people of west Wales are a helpful lot the managers wife had driven five miles to the nearest supermarket and bought some. You I had to do something with the accursed stuff. I racked my mind [ This hurt ] and came up with the idea of, putting the foil to a use that it wasn't designed for. Namely wearing it, first of all I thought that I could cover my entire body, including my face thus escaping later identification. But alas there was not enough to cover my more than ample frame. So it was time for plan B. Plan B required nerves of steel and not one ounce of shame, but as a man of action I immediately put it into action.
CHRIS
Right Scott, we have to arrange a signal for you to come on stage. When I shout MR. FOIL, MR. FOIL. You come on stage.
SCOTT
Having checked the mercifully short distance from the dressing room to the stage, I began to make my preparations. Just as I finished the shout came. Those of you with a weak stomach and a nervous disposition should alternatively occupy themselves for the next couples of moments burst onto the stage to an incredible reaction. Now the band are the quietest band around and the where in full flow, but still the reaction was audible even over the industrial strength noises that they were producing.
[SOUNDS OF SCREAMING AND LAUGHTER]
The crowds reaction was because, Plan B was an abysmal failure. I had intended to make some foil trousers, but again my large frame thwarted such a thing, and I was reduced to an attempt of making a mini skirt made of foil. It was not to be my lucky night. There was not enough foil to cover my backside, and because of a accident that I had a couple of years ago, I refused to wear undergarments of any kind. But this left me with a delicate situation, how to cover my modest modesty.
FEMALE 1
You never called IT that when you was with me that weekend.
SCOTT
Enough woman. As a man of many resources I removed one of my socks and secured it carefully with an elastic band, and taking one of my shoelaces out tied it round the skirt to ensure that I had at least something on and it wouldn't fall down. I did not envy the crowd that night, no one likes to see a half naked man dancing round a stage wearing half a foil mini skirt. But it was not over yet, although I already wished that it was. I soon run out of ideas what to do and sat down at the base of the stage. Because I am, disregarding what others might say, not accustomed to wearing skirts, I opened my legs. I thought that the crowd had reacted before, but what happened next surpassed even that. The mostly female members of the crowd rushed to the front and began to look up my alleged skirt. Even the bar which had all night been crowded emptied in an effort to catch an glimpse. Thankfully I had agreed to be one stage for one song, and it was a short one. I left the stage and changed into a more becoming set of clothes. After the boy's set had finished we returned to the van to talk about my antics, when there was a loud hammering on the van, cautiously I stuck my head around the door. The sight that greeted me was amazing, the were a large group of girls all shouting.
GIRLS
MR. FOIL MR. FOIL, WE WANT MR. FOIL.
SCOTT
Such was the volume of the shouting that I feared for my safety and refused to leave the van. But my friends were brave enough to go out.
CHRIS
The things that they offered to do to Mr. Foil, were imaginative as well as possibly illegal, that they were students from a convent were a testament to Scott's abilities.
SCOTT
This was not My first experience of crowds, but it was the first time that people had reacted in a positive manner. As a youth I was often in trouble, in the small village that I had previously lived I had a repatriation a bad one. It was during in the eighties when that execrable Australian export Neighbours was enjoying it's hey day. Now for various reasons, including the shocking hair, cardboard sets and non existing acting, I detested this program and sought to express my anger in a way that told one and all exactly how I felt. On this particular day Jason and Kylie were getting married. The villagers television was thoughtfully supplied by cable at the time, and the signal junction box was located in a fairly central position in the village. Again I started to make plans. After forcing myself to watch the daytime episode, I calculated the exact time to strike. The time was soon upon me and I had little time for mistakes. Moments before the big scene it removed the cover of the signal box and disconnected as many of the cable that I could. Even though I was outside the sound of people shouting at fury at their television was audible, birds took to the skies for miles around and startled wildlife could be seen running for cove. Because I was still merely a child I had not thought my plan through and was observed in my dastardly deed. The shout went up and people were soon made aware that it was I that had perpetrated this hideous crime. The villagers swarmed out of their houses and began to chase me through the streets, shouting in the most unseemly fashion. But as any adult chasing a child with a good three yard start nearly woodland will know, capture is normally very difficult and I evade them with ease. Although I was identified and remained and outcast for the remaining of my time in that village.
SCOTT
Now throughout my life there has been occasions where crowds of people have been in a position to see me behave in the most extravagant fashion. This next part involves the largest crowd that I have ever encountered. I have being going to Glastonbury festival for a couple of years now, and the sadist part of me goes back just to experience the nasal riot that is the toilets in 25 degrees heat. The smell that still haunts my dreams, occasionally waking me from my uneasy sleep, usually screaming in terror.
[SOUNDS OF SCREAMING ]
Our normal trip involves no planning what so ever, it is a miracle that we ever get there some years. After that fateful evening when a monster had being created, I was determined to make this year that I would not forget. This was easier said than done, because it is almost obligatory to not be ABLE to remember large parts of Glastonbury a tradition kept alive by myself and my friends. After my original plan had failed in West Wales, I had given the matter much consideration and spent a couple of hours experimenting with combinations of foil and cling film. After arriving at a durable but striking outfit we left for Glastonbury. We arrived on the Wednesday and spent a couple of days acclimatizing, subjecting our bodies to a strict diet of alcohol and donuts. Not the most healthy diets but one which prepared us for the rigorous of a successful festival. Although a large group of us went up on the Wednesday, some were not due to arrive until the Saturday. There were no excuses for this and a heavy penalty was levied on the late comers. I will leave Chris to explain this shocking lapse in festival manners.
CHRIS
Myself and John had prior commitments.
SCOTT
I had always considered Chris's commitment to the niceties of festival etiquette to be a little lax and now I needed no further proof. We had arranged a meeting place and Chris had at least the decency to arrive on time. After Chris and others had completed their fine, which consisted of consuming large quantities of alcohol and begging my forgiveness, we settled down and watched some of the more unusual behavior of the festival crowd. Throughout my life unusual things happened to me, in what I thought to be an uncalled for regularity. As nothing had happened to me for at least four hours I was due for one at any moment. Fate did not let me down. I was approached by a stranger, but a stranger bearing gifts which in my experience is the best type. He handed me a foot long sheet of foil, with what I thought to be remarkable restraint I asked him why he chose to give me such an unusual gift.
STRANGER
Just trust me you'll need it later.
SCOTT
I listened to his accent just in case, by some staggering coincidence he may have been in the audience in west Wales. He wasn't. Unless Scotsmen frequently make trips to remote villages in Wales regularly. I never underestimate fate and safely pocketed the foil and promptly forgot about it, as I am used to this kind of thing happening to me. The rest of the day passed without incident, if that is possible in a festival in full swing. The hour was soon approaching, the hour when I would make my next attempt at infamy. Before departing for Glastonbury I had carefully packed two rolls of foil and a roll of cling film, suspecting that such items may be hard to come by on our arrival. I have found, like a boy scout it's always best to be prepared. We returned to our tents to make preparations. We had amongst our group a guy who took great care over anything that he turned his hand too. It was too him the dubious honor of dressing me went, starting from my ankles up he began to slowly and with great care covered my body with the foil. Because I am not a fool I had waited until the heat had gone out of the day until attempting this next feat of endurance, I did not fancy baking my self alive like some absurd six foot potato.
RICHARD
It took me about thirty minutes to nearly cover Scott's body, with only his head remaining uncovered by the foil. Unfortunately I had neglected to leave a gap which through Scott could relieve himself . So I tore a little hole in the foil suit, before covering the foil in the cling film. I must admit I was impressed by how much Scott had thought this through.
SCOTT
You where surprised Richard? shame on you. After the near disastrous consequences of ill planning I made sure this time. It was as Richard near completion that it became evident that calamity might strike, we did not have enough foil!. Leaving a gap from my elbow down, my plan had failed!. But no, my brain kick started into life accessing hazy memories from earlier in the day. The gift bearing Stranger. Not for the first time in my life I wondered what kind of games fate was playing with me, if it was not for some chance encounter my plans would have failed.
STRANGER
Just trust me you'll need it later
SCOTT
Now due to the thankful intervention of a complete stranger, I was nearly ready for my appointment with destiny. In case of any unwanted publicity or reprisals I had also brought along a mask and a pair of surgical gloves.
JOHN
I asked Scott where he had got the gloves and mask from and his answer, well, his answer was evasive at best. But as Scott is a man of many resources I did not question him too much, fearing his reply.
SCOTT
Let me give you a brief description of the mask. It was a full face mask of that much maligned despot Saddam Hussein. I had chosen this mask not for any political or religious reasons, but had chosen it because it was the only one I could find to suit my purposes. It completely covered my head and joined seamlessly with my suit of foil. The gloves I selected because their were white and added to the overall effect. It was during getting dressed I began to notice peoples reactions, people had began to approach me even when I was not fully dressed. Several people were sitting round watching, loudly discussing how ineffective the Mental Health act was, some of the more careless ones venturing photographs. And we hadn't even left our tents yet!. Soon the moment to leave the sanctuary of our tents came upon us, taking a heafty swig of brandy, purly for medicinal purposes. I put on my mask and, with a satisfying thwack the gloves. I readied myself to walk amongst the heaving multitudes not totally sure of their reaction.
CHRIS
It was all right for Scott but we had to walk with the bloody idiot!, at least he couldn't be identified, I expected to get about a hundred yards before he was torn to pieces, with a small amount of trepidation we set off.
SCOTT
We began walking down towards the main stage, well already it was an incredible experiences. It established a precedence for the rest of the night. Because of the mask I had only limited vision, perhaps for the best. I could only see directly in front of me. A pattern began to emerge, one person would spot me, although I was hardly inconspicuous, and that person would alert others to my presence. What resulted was a form of Browning motion. People began to address me.
CROWD [SHOUTING AND LAUGHING ]
SADDAM, SADDAM
SCOTT
Oh how I wished that I had chosen a more likeable person as a mask. I am still recovering from the experience of thousands of people calling me Saddam Husien!, if I had been a weaker man it may have broken my mind but as it was already broken at a young age I did not suffer too much. Soon I got to the edges of the crowd watching the bands, here the reaction was even stronger. People fell over backwards in astonishment and I was asked repeatedly to pose for photo's. That night I was more photographed than Sam Fox's amble chest. I am accustomed to people watching my progress down a street smiling as I make my way. I suspect that my outlandish clothes that I habitually wear may be responsible for this, but this mass hilarity was something totally new to me. A band that I liked came on to the stage and I paused a while to watch. A young lady approached me and began to talk to me.
FEMALE 2
Dance Monkey boy Dance
SCOTT
It is always food for thought when you approached and asked to dance form them. I have always had a soft spot for ladies that ask me to dance for them and not wishing to offend her, I began my passable impersonation of an epileptic donkey. If I had not drunk insensible amount of drink I would have started to use my not inconsiderable amount of charm on her, but I was merely reduced to grunting and offering her my hand. This produced the most unexpected results, because a foil suit is be it's very nature one that produces a lot of heat I had began to sweat quite a bit and consequently the gloves that I was wearing became very slimy to the touch.
[SOUND OF GIRL SCREAMING]
SCOTT
I think she found this rather objectionable. She ran into the crowd shouting that I was disgusting which u thought was truely unnecessary. How quickly amiability turns into disgust. Although this was a regrettably common occurrence in my life, women running screaming, I did not let it worry me unduly. I have always promoted strong reactions in others.
John
Being run out of a village, where it was considered a polite way to greet someone, is to knock them unconscious and steal their gold fillings. And whose habitants still pointed in the sky and shouted.
VILLAGERS
What's that ball of fire in the sky, IT BURNS
JOHN
Now that's a strong reaction, but being chased, did do some good for Scott has he now has an amazingly fleet turn of foot and can now outwit the most determined of pursuers.
SCOTT
It's true that I have prompted a strong reactions in the past, but unfortunately it is frequently a negative one. I apologize for my slight dissgression, an attention span is something that hampers me. Now some of you may think my behavior as purely attention seeking. My standard reply to such baseless accusations is what would I want with YOUR attention, I can find the most diverting things to do without you observing my every move.
I now found myself in a delicate position, I became aware that my conversation were becoming noticeably one sided. I had been deserted by my so called friends. Damn their eyes. It was not as if they owed me money. But in the true British sprit I carried on regardless. I wondered aimlessly through the crowd, and saw many strange things, but not many stranger than myself. It seemed to me that on that night I received a better reaction than many of the bands that played that year. People came up to me and congratulated me on my fine costume. Eventually I found my friends again, and they helped me to my tent, as I was very tired and emotional. It is a worrying thing when you wake up in the morning dressed in foil, and for a couple of panicky moments wondered what had happened to me, then the full extent of what had happen came back to me.
CHRIS
Scott staggered out of his tent which we had named THE PIT, which he alone slept in and which became a canvas youth club. But a youth club for degenerates. We helped him remove the remainders of the foil suit, some of which had stuck stubbornly to his skin, the sweat acting better than many adhesives.
SCOTT
Now some of the more observant of you may have noticed a theme through my little story, but my life does not revolve around alcohol, but it merely adds to it. Life is varied and interesting enough without having to recourse to alcohol as a means of escape. But it is something of a hobby for me, and if I spent as much time on another hobby as I do going out and enjoying myself then the only other hobby would be train spotting, whose enthusiasts travel hundreds of miles to see a large engine pulling a metal shed. The choice between drinking or train spotting is, there could be no choice. As I can be shy, it has allowed me to meet many wonderful people, who have made my life richer in ways that cannot be measured. For this I am eternally grateful, and if it wasn't for them I would not be the person that I am today. So you can blame them and not me.
Some of what you will hear in the next half a hour I have made up for purely comic reason's and some of it is true. It's is up to you decide between truth and untruth. For those of you in relationships with women or men of loose virtues it may be a valid exercise.
Let me tell you a little about myself, My name is Scott and up until this moment in time I have lived in various places around the world including Wales, England , South Africa and for one memorable year the remote country of Bhutan. As you may appreciate this lead to a varied and colorful upbringing. But because during the next half a hour you will be hearing a lot of my voice, I will let my friends describe me for you.
FEMALE 1
Scott is a six foot sex god with the sexual appetite of a squadron of army recruits.
SCOTT
As you can imagine this was an extremely proud weekend's work for me, a performance I have seldom surpassed, although I try and get as much practice at it I can.
JOHN
[ MUTED CONVERSATION IN THE BACKGROUND ]
Well it's quite difficult to describe Scott without breaking a number of decency laws, but the closest I can get to is that he is a drug crazed German dwarf with nazi tendencies. Although he is a very TALL dwarf.
SCOTT
With friends like these.......well I have certain information about John and If he doesn't behave himself the I'll be washing his dirty laundry in public. Revenge is often sweet.
CHRIS
Enough with the descriptions get on with it.
SCOTT
O.K. take it easy tiger. Because this is my story and not yours I will not be approaching this in a purely chronological manner, but this is your problem and not mine. Try and pay attention. One of my earliest memories was of Africa, my family had emigrated to a small town quite near Johannesburg called Secunda. My father worked in the oil refinery there, it was an ideal place to grow up, with the rolling veldts and the seemingly endless skies. We frequently went out of day trips around the local area, this day trip however would remain permanently etched into my mind. A nearby town had as it’s only attraction a collection of warm outdoor springs, the town was unimaginatively called Warm Springs, after a day of splashing around in it's pleasantly warm but pungent waters we started our journey home. Now my younger brother was a very active and vocal child and on the way back to our car he spotted a large toy shop, and as I suspect that children are programmed to act he demanded the my parents immediately take us in and buy us half the contents of the shop.
[ SOUND OF YOUNG CHILD SCREAMING AND THROWING A TANTRUM]
Now my parents are no fools and said the we could each by one toy each. Thus my brothers consumerist urges had been sated, we carried on our journey home. It was a pretty uneventful journey until about twenty minutes from home when a car full of young lads began to tale gate us, driving extremely close to us and sounding their horn continuously. The cars occupants were making hand signals that no child should ever see. My father is the type of man that takes no slight on his families honor and was not amused by this, but as a man of infinite resource immediately knew how to extract his revenge. After winding down the car window, he lent back as asked my brother for the toy that he had, unfortunately for the pursuing car occupants, Glenn my brother had with what now seem amazing prescience chosen a very life like looking toy gun. The toy gun which was no pointing out of my fathers window.
The reaction that this provoked was some short of a miracle, being something of a curious child I watched the occupants of the following car, all the passengers began to slap and hit the driver of the now rapidly decelerating car.
[SOUND OF SCREECHING BRAKES]
The car swerved violently across are mercifully empty road and continued it's erratic journey until it's progress was halted by a telegraph pole
[SOUND OF CRASH ]
The cars occupants spilled out of the smash and scurried up the roadside verge, still hitting and kicking the driver. Unfortunately for my mother she had chosen moments before this to eat a boiled sweet which for the next minutes or two choked rather nosily on.
SCOTT
We didn't stay that long in Africa for a variety of reasons and soon returned back to our homeland of Wales. There is something about Wales that makes people return to it, no matter how far or for how long you are away from it. The Welsh are a nation that really knows how to enjoy themselves. Throughout my life I have always spent time in pubs and particularly enjoyed drinking.
CHRIS
You must excuse my friend's slight understatement, he is famed throughout the land as Oliver Reed drinking stunt double.
SCOTT
Yes, quite. Is not untrue that I have drunk my fair share. I have only ever drunk one drink, but unfortunately it has come in hundreds if not thousands of different glasses.
this next episode from my past illustrates what could be seen as one of the more negative side effects of large quantities of alcohol. You will have to excuse my bad manners in not introducing my friends Chris and John but as they often show me signs of unforgivable importance they do not deserve such a honor. Surfice it to say they have know me for a number of years, something for which they deserve some kind of recognition. The boys are in a band. That may strike terror into some of the listeners hearts, but ye of little faith, they are not a fourth rate covers band but actually a first rate original band and are destined to go far. One night I accompanied them to one of their performances in a small town in West Wales. It was on the journey down that I began to suspect the night would not pass without event, and I was right.
JOHN
After you know Scott for a while you begin to recognize the signs of some unusual about to happen. After much humping of equipment we set of to the gig. Chris and Scott sat in the back of the van as there was no room up front. As there was no music or any other forms of diversion, Chris and Scott took along the liquid variety of entertainment, two bottles of vodka, and a couple of cans of a well know energy giving drink which is currently popular amongst the young people, because I was driving I didn't have the opportunity to enjoy such frivolities.
SCOTT
Thank you John, but I will take it from here. I feel that you don't have the necessary flair to continue. You must excuse John, but I suspect playing excessively loud music has addled his brain. We continued westward but our progress was halted by the police, the van pulled dutifully over to the side of the road and awaited the bad news from the policeman, we suspected the John had not being paying the correct attention to his driving. But this was not the case, it was just a routine stop and check, but I suspect there is no such thing. Chris and I sat the back of the van and awaited our fate, the boys up in front carried on as though we didn't exist and sometimes I have my doubts as well. When calamity struck when I saw the half drunk bottles of vodka, I was quite sure that the police would not take to kind a view to this. I'm used to staring danger in the face but Chris.... well I was not to sure how he would cope with the pressure. There was only one thing to do. Drink the evidence, luckily for us the journey down was as boring as being stranded in Milton Keyenes for a weekend, and there was not to much left to drink. I had just finished the last couple of drops and lent back against the door to regain my composure when the policeman open the bloody door. It's is a very difficult thing to try and maintain one's dignity when you are sprawled on the road staring up at an astonished constable. But this policeman must have been made of stern stuff because he barely batted an eyelid, he just said
[SOUNDS OF SIRENS IN THE BACKGROUND]
POLICEMAN
You dirty little tinker
SCOTT
He then searched as all, perhaps believing in the myth that all rock and roll stars must consume vast amount of drugs on a daily basis. But I was in for special treatment, and was made to remove my shoe and socks. What a sight we must has looked for the passing motorists I can only imagine. We got off lightly, with only a verbal dressing down for my drunkenness and a stern talking to Chris
POLICEMAN
Not seriously going to wear that on the stage are you boy? I might just run you in for that, you look bloody ridiculous.
[SOUNDS OF LAUGHTER IN THE BACKGROUND ]
SCOTT
I think a little explanation is required, Chris was wearing a white suit, also a large pith helmet that he had painstakingly painted gold. He alone was enough the stop the passing traffic, the others, well they just looked like an explosion in an abattoir. I course looked immaculate, and would have stopped traffic, BUT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.
FEMALE 1
Ever since that weekend Scott has never been quite himself, I think I may have broken him, he certainly never walked the same way again.
SCOTT
Thank you for that untimely interruption. So our journey continued. In a matter of minutes just as we were entering the town we the boys were playing we were stopped again by the police. No matter what others say about our hard working police force, they do have a sense of humor. I think this is why we were stopped again, today's communications systems make the spread of information almost instant and enabled the first policeman to tell all his mates in the locality to stop our van. Policemen like a laugh like anybody else. So we were subjected to a thinly disguised stop and search again. The signs we readily apparent, barely suppressed similes and uncalled for giggling were rife. I was beginning to think that we would never reach the gig, but eventually we did.
Chris and I were in advanced stages of refreshment and moved the equipment of out of the van with unaccustomed speed. We settled down at the bar to keep up of blood alcohol levels in cased they dropped.
CHRIS
This is where Scott's downfall came, he turned to me and idly asked where he could get a large roll of foil from. When you have known Scott is long as long as I have you, learn not to ask the question WHY?. Due to my own drunkenness I asked around the club where we could get some from., much to the bemusement of everyone.
SCOTT
Perhaps this bemusement was understandable, but annoying all the same. The reason that I wanted the foil was not even clear to me, but I have learnt to follow my instincts and they seldom let me down. We asked everyone in the bar, but to no avail .Chris finally in desperation asked their manager who disappeared promptly. The time for the boys to go on stage was rapidly approaching and we all went in to the dressing rooms, the boys to get ready, and myself to find a chair that didn't wobble to much. Although I did not seem that steady, I was made even unsteadier when the boys manager came into the dressing room. He was carrying a large roll of tin foil.
MARK
Here you go boys, just dont tell me what you want it for.
SCOTT
I was now in a difficult position, what to do?. I couldn't just let him turn up with this and do nothing, I have to be a real ass hole to do that.
SCOTT TO MARK
You can bloody well keep your poxy foil
SCOTT
This did not amuse. For it turns out that Mark had asked the club's manager if they had any foil. They did not , but as the people of west Wales are a helpful lot the managers wife had driven five miles to the nearest supermarket and bought some. You I had to do something with the accursed stuff. I racked my mind [ This hurt ] and came up with the idea of, putting the foil to a use that it wasn't designed for. Namely wearing it, first of all I thought that I could cover my entire body, including my face thus escaping later identification. But alas there was not enough to cover my more than ample frame. So it was time for plan B. Plan B required nerves of steel and not one ounce of shame, but as a man of action I immediately put it into action.
CHRIS
Right Scott, we have to arrange a signal for you to come on stage. When I shout MR. FOIL, MR. FOIL. You come on stage.
SCOTT
Having checked the mercifully short distance from the dressing room to the stage, I began to make my preparations. Just as I finished the shout came. Those of you with a weak stomach and a nervous disposition should alternatively occupy themselves for the next couples of moments burst onto the stage to an incredible reaction. Now the band are the quietest band around and the where in full flow, but still the reaction was audible even over the industrial strength noises that they were producing.
[SOUNDS OF SCREAMING AND LAUGHTER]
The crowds reaction was because, Plan B was an abysmal failure. I had intended to make some foil trousers, but again my large frame thwarted such a thing, and I was reduced to an attempt of making a mini skirt made of foil. It was not to be my lucky night. There was not enough foil to cover my backside, and because of a accident that I had a couple of years ago, I refused to wear undergarments of any kind. But this left me with a delicate situation, how to cover my modest modesty.
FEMALE 1
You never called IT that when you was with me that weekend.
SCOTT
Enough woman. As a man of many resources I removed one of my socks and secured it carefully with an elastic band, and taking one of my shoelaces out tied it round the skirt to ensure that I had at least something on and it wouldn't fall down. I did not envy the crowd that night, no one likes to see a half naked man dancing round a stage wearing half a foil mini skirt. But it was not over yet, although I already wished that it was. I soon run out of ideas what to do and sat down at the base of the stage. Because I am, disregarding what others might say, not accustomed to wearing skirts, I opened my legs. I thought that the crowd had reacted before, but what happened next surpassed even that. The mostly female members of the crowd rushed to the front and began to look up my alleged skirt. Even the bar which had all night been crowded emptied in an effort to catch an glimpse. Thankfully I had agreed to be one stage for one song, and it was a short one. I left the stage and changed into a more becoming set of clothes. After the boy's set had finished we returned to the van to talk about my antics, when there was a loud hammering on the van, cautiously I stuck my head around the door. The sight that greeted me was amazing, the were a large group of girls all shouting.
GIRLS
MR. FOIL MR. FOIL, WE WANT MR. FOIL.
SCOTT
Such was the volume of the shouting that I feared for my safety and refused to leave the van. But my friends were brave enough to go out.
CHRIS
The things that they offered to do to Mr. Foil, were imaginative as well as possibly illegal, that they were students from a convent were a testament to Scott's abilities.
SCOTT
This was not My first experience of crowds, but it was the first time that people had reacted in a positive manner. As a youth I was often in trouble, in the small village that I had previously lived I had a repatriation a bad one. It was during in the eighties when that execrable Australian export Neighbours was enjoying it's hey day. Now for various reasons, including the shocking hair, cardboard sets and non existing acting, I detested this program and sought to express my anger in a way that told one and all exactly how I felt. On this particular day Jason and Kylie were getting married. The villagers television was thoughtfully supplied by cable at the time, and the signal junction box was located in a fairly central position in the village. Again I started to make plans. After forcing myself to watch the daytime episode, I calculated the exact time to strike. The time was soon upon me and I had little time for mistakes. Moments before the big scene it removed the cover of the signal box and disconnected as many of the cable that I could. Even though I was outside the sound of people shouting at fury at their television was audible, birds took to the skies for miles around and startled wildlife could be seen running for cove. Because I was still merely a child I had not thought my plan through and was observed in my dastardly deed. The shout went up and people were soon made aware that it was I that had perpetrated this hideous crime. The villagers swarmed out of their houses and began to chase me through the streets, shouting in the most unseemly fashion. But as any adult chasing a child with a good three yard start nearly woodland will know, capture is normally very difficult and I evade them with ease. Although I was identified and remained and outcast for the remaining of my time in that village.
SCOTT
Now throughout my life there has been occasions where crowds of people have been in a position to see me behave in the most extravagant fashion. This next part involves the largest crowd that I have ever encountered. I have being going to Glastonbury festival for a couple of years now, and the sadist part of me goes back just to experience the nasal riot that is the toilets in 25 degrees heat. The smell that still haunts my dreams, occasionally waking me from my uneasy sleep, usually screaming in terror.
[SOUNDS OF SCREAMING ]
Our normal trip involves no planning what so ever, it is a miracle that we ever get there some years. After that fateful evening when a monster had being created, I was determined to make this year that I would not forget. This was easier said than done, because it is almost obligatory to not be ABLE to remember large parts of Glastonbury a tradition kept alive by myself and my friends. After my original plan had failed in West Wales, I had given the matter much consideration and spent a couple of hours experimenting with combinations of foil and cling film. After arriving at a durable but striking outfit we left for Glastonbury. We arrived on the Wednesday and spent a couple of days acclimatizing, subjecting our bodies to a strict diet of alcohol and donuts. Not the most healthy diets but one which prepared us for the rigorous of a successful festival. Although a large group of us went up on the Wednesday, some were not due to arrive until the Saturday. There were no excuses for this and a heavy penalty was levied on the late comers. I will leave Chris to explain this shocking lapse in festival manners.
CHRIS
Myself and John had prior commitments.
SCOTT
I had always considered Chris's commitment to the niceties of festival etiquette to be a little lax and now I needed no further proof. We had arranged a meeting place and Chris had at least the decency to arrive on time. After Chris and others had completed their fine, which consisted of consuming large quantities of alcohol and begging my forgiveness, we settled down and watched some of the more unusual behavior of the festival crowd. Throughout my life unusual things happened to me, in what I thought to be an uncalled for regularity. As nothing had happened to me for at least four hours I was due for one at any moment. Fate did not let me down. I was approached by a stranger, but a stranger bearing gifts which in my experience is the best type. He handed me a foot long sheet of foil, with what I thought to be remarkable restraint I asked him why he chose to give me such an unusual gift.
STRANGER
Just trust me you'll need it later.
SCOTT
I listened to his accent just in case, by some staggering coincidence he may have been in the audience in west Wales. He wasn't. Unless Scotsmen frequently make trips to remote villages in Wales regularly. I never underestimate fate and safely pocketed the foil and promptly forgot about it, as I am used to this kind of thing happening to me. The rest of the day passed without incident, if that is possible in a festival in full swing. The hour was soon approaching, the hour when I would make my next attempt at infamy. Before departing for Glastonbury I had carefully packed two rolls of foil and a roll of cling film, suspecting that such items may be hard to come by on our arrival. I have found, like a boy scout it's always best to be prepared. We returned to our tents to make preparations. We had amongst our group a guy who took great care over anything that he turned his hand too. It was too him the dubious honor of dressing me went, starting from my ankles up he began to slowly and with great care covered my body with the foil. Because I am not a fool I had waited until the heat had gone out of the day until attempting this next feat of endurance, I did not fancy baking my self alive like some absurd six foot potato.
RICHARD
It took me about thirty minutes to nearly cover Scott's body, with only his head remaining uncovered by the foil. Unfortunately I had neglected to leave a gap which through Scott could relieve himself . So I tore a little hole in the foil suit, before covering the foil in the cling film. I must admit I was impressed by how much Scott had thought this through.
SCOTT
You where surprised Richard? shame on you. After the near disastrous consequences of ill planning I made sure this time. It was as Richard near completion that it became evident that calamity might strike, we did not have enough foil!. Leaving a gap from my elbow down, my plan had failed!. But no, my brain kick started into life accessing hazy memories from earlier in the day. The gift bearing Stranger. Not for the first time in my life I wondered what kind of games fate was playing with me, if it was not for some chance encounter my plans would have failed.
STRANGER
Just trust me you'll need it later
SCOTT
Now due to the thankful intervention of a complete stranger, I was nearly ready for my appointment with destiny. In case of any unwanted publicity or reprisals I had also brought along a mask and a pair of surgical gloves.
JOHN
I asked Scott where he had got the gloves and mask from and his answer, well, his answer was evasive at best. But as Scott is a man of many resources I did not question him too much, fearing his reply.
SCOTT
Let me give you a brief description of the mask. It was a full face mask of that much maligned despot Saddam Hussein. I had chosen this mask not for any political or religious reasons, but had chosen it because it was the only one I could find to suit my purposes. It completely covered my head and joined seamlessly with my suit of foil. The gloves I selected because their were white and added to the overall effect. It was during getting dressed I began to notice peoples reactions, people had began to approach me even when I was not fully dressed. Several people were sitting round watching, loudly discussing how ineffective the Mental Health act was, some of the more careless ones venturing photographs. And we hadn't even left our tents yet!. Soon the moment to leave the sanctuary of our tents came upon us, taking a heafty swig of brandy, purly for medicinal purposes. I put on my mask and, with a satisfying thwack the gloves. I readied myself to walk amongst the heaving multitudes not totally sure of their reaction.
CHRIS
It was all right for Scott but we had to walk with the bloody idiot!, at least he couldn't be identified, I expected to get about a hundred yards before he was torn to pieces, with a small amount of trepidation we set off.
SCOTT
We began walking down towards the main stage, well already it was an incredible experiences. It established a precedence for the rest of the night. Because of the mask I had only limited vision, perhaps for the best. I could only see directly in front of me. A pattern began to emerge, one person would spot me, although I was hardly inconspicuous, and that person would alert others to my presence. What resulted was a form of Browning motion. People began to address me.
CROWD [SHOUTING AND LAUGHING ]
SADDAM, SADDAM
SCOTT
Oh how I wished that I had chosen a more likeable person as a mask. I am still recovering from the experience of thousands of people calling me Saddam Husien!, if I had been a weaker man it may have broken my mind but as it was already broken at a young age I did not suffer too much. Soon I got to the edges of the crowd watching the bands, here the reaction was even stronger. People fell over backwards in astonishment and I was asked repeatedly to pose for photo's. That night I was more photographed than Sam Fox's amble chest. I am accustomed to people watching my progress down a street smiling as I make my way. I suspect that my outlandish clothes that I habitually wear may be responsible for this, but this mass hilarity was something totally new to me. A band that I liked came on to the stage and I paused a while to watch. A young lady approached me and began to talk to me.
FEMALE 2
Dance Monkey boy Dance
SCOTT
It is always food for thought when you approached and asked to dance form them. I have always had a soft spot for ladies that ask me to dance for them and not wishing to offend her, I began my passable impersonation of an epileptic donkey. If I had not drunk insensible amount of drink I would have started to use my not inconsiderable amount of charm on her, but I was merely reduced to grunting and offering her my hand. This produced the most unexpected results, because a foil suit is be it's very nature one that produces a lot of heat I had began to sweat quite a bit and consequently the gloves that I was wearing became very slimy to the touch.
[SOUND OF GIRL SCREAMING]
SCOTT
I think she found this rather objectionable. She ran into the crowd shouting that I was disgusting which u thought was truely unnecessary. How quickly amiability turns into disgust. Although this was a regrettably common occurrence in my life, women running screaming, I did not let it worry me unduly. I have always promoted strong reactions in others.
John
Being run out of a village, where it was considered a polite way to greet someone, is to knock them unconscious and steal their gold fillings. And whose habitants still pointed in the sky and shouted.
VILLAGERS
What's that ball of fire in the sky, IT BURNS
JOHN
Now that's a strong reaction, but being chased, did do some good for Scott has he now has an amazingly fleet turn of foot and can now outwit the most determined of pursuers.
SCOTT
It's true that I have prompted a strong reactions in the past, but unfortunately it is frequently a negative one. I apologize for my slight dissgression, an attention span is something that hampers me. Now some of you may think my behavior as purely attention seeking. My standard reply to such baseless accusations is what would I want with YOUR attention, I can find the most diverting things to do without you observing my every move.
I now found myself in a delicate position, I became aware that my conversation were becoming noticeably one sided. I had been deserted by my so called friends. Damn their eyes. It was not as if they owed me money. But in the true British sprit I carried on regardless. I wondered aimlessly through the crowd, and saw many strange things, but not many stranger than myself. It seemed to me that on that night I received a better reaction than many of the bands that played that year. People came up to me and congratulated me on my fine costume. Eventually I found my friends again, and they helped me to my tent, as I was very tired and emotional. It is a worrying thing when you wake up in the morning dressed in foil, and for a couple of panicky moments wondered what had happened to me, then the full extent of what had happen came back to me.
CHRIS
Scott staggered out of his tent which we had named THE PIT, which he alone slept in and which became a canvas youth club. But a youth club for degenerates. We helped him remove the remainders of the foil suit, some of which had stuck stubbornly to his skin, the sweat acting better than many adhesives.
SCOTT
Now some of the more observant of you may have noticed a theme through my little story, but my life does not revolve around alcohol, but it merely adds to it. Life is varied and interesting enough without having to recourse to alcohol as a means of escape. But it is something of a hobby for me, and if I spent as much time on another hobby as I do going out and enjoying myself then the only other hobby would be train spotting, whose enthusiasts travel hundreds of miles to see a large engine pulling a metal shed. The choice between drinking or train spotting is, there could be no choice. As I can be shy, it has allowed me to meet many wonderful people, who have made my life richer in ways that cannot be measured. For this I am eternally grateful, and if it wasn't for them I would not be the person that I am today. So you can blame them and not me.
