So, you want to be a hockey fan? Maybe you read up the Guide entry on hockey and thought that it sounded nifty? Maybe you were flipping to a football game on the T.V. and hit the wrong channel? Maybe you heard a sport where players hit each other with sticks and black discs, and you figured that it must be good?

This Guide entry is not here to explain what hockey is. That has already been done in superior detail elsewhere. Its purpose right now, is to teach you how to become a hockey fan. It's a simple process, really.

Step 1) Like The Game

You can't be a hockey fan without liking the game. Duh. But what many casual viewers fail to realize is how much you have to like the game. If you pump your fist in victory when your team scores a goal, you're not a hockey fan, you're that dope who watches hockey. In order to be a hockey fan, when your team scores a goal/starts a fight/injures an opposing player, you need to leap out of your seat and yell your approval as loud as you possibly can, until you can feel your vocal chords shattering. Then you wash it down with beer/Sprite, to heal the damage. Really. It works.

You're not a hockey fan? Here's how to correct that problem.

Step 2) Go to the Game

You consider yourself a hockey fan? Nifty. It is then time for you to see the game in person. People go on about how realistic HDTV with Surround Sound is for sporting events. These people have never watched a hockey game.

Watching hockey on the television is like listening to baseball on the radio. It's good for learning what happens, but it just doesn't cut it for the real action. If you watch hockey in person, however, you know what's going on, even if you're sitting up in the nosebleeds*. You can hear the bones crunching as the forward is made part of the boards by a tough defenseman. You can hear the hundred-mile an hour slapshot as it flies off the player's stick and drills the goalie in the neck. If you sit near the front, you may get to experience the PlexiGlas shattering right in front of you, and a three-hundred pound hockey player in full equipment landing on top of you. This is truly a once in a lifetime experience. Cherish it.

Another benefit to seeing a hockey game in person is the food. In the National Hockey League, most of the rinks have really delightful food stands where you can shell out three bucks for a quarter of a large pizza. The food is expensive, but magnificent. The beer is expensive, but cold. The souvenir 'We're #1!' foam fingers are a cheap way to express your feelings for the team.

Still, there is one more magnificent up-side to viewing a hockey game in person. The washrooms. At no point during play or between periods will the washrooms not be packed with people. They are big, big, big washrooms, but somehow each stall will be occupied and have a lineup of at least two people. Avoid the urinals...the bad things that happens to hockey-game-urinal users could be in an Urban Legends movie.

Having gone to a hockey game, then go to a hockey game in a different city if you can. It's a whole new experience, especially when you try to find the washroom facilities.

Step 3) Pick A Team

You're not a hockey fan unless you have a team. This isn't just the team which you cheer for when you happen to see them play. This is the team for which you make an effort to see every game in some fashion. This is the team who's statistics you follow every morning in the Sports section. This is the team that you put yourself on when you're playing one of those computer hockey games.

Normally, the team you cheer for is your nearest NHL team. But if you don't live near any NHL teams, then you must pick one that you believe deserves your die-hard loyalty. Once you have a team, there is no going back.

If this were a list of all thirty NHL teams with data on each of them, it would take up an awful lot of space. So you just get a synopsis of a few select teams.

Anaheim Mighty Ducks - tempting to choose because A) they're first alphabetically, and B) they're named after a Disney movie. However, they recently got rid of their best player in exchange for a sack of pucks. Their second-best player is still very good, which is a pity because no-one else on that roster is.

Colorado Avalanche - defending Stanley Cup* champions as of this writing*. Loaded with good players, but they didn't really buy their team. Good club. Has some people who are just fun to cheer for. A good selection for a team.

Dallas Stars - getting a little old, but a good playoff team at any rate. They're a sure bet to get a long way into the playoffs for a few years, at which time all their players will retire and they will start to lose an awful lot.

Detroit Red Wings - packed with skilled Canadians that will soon qualify for their old-age pensions. A good tip for people who want their teams to win championships is to avoid a team made up of old guys. Like Detroit. They're one of those teams that you cheer when your own team isn't on.

Edmonton Oilers - awfully poor financially. Their goalies are good, but they simply cannot put the puck in the net. A lot of Europeans, which, as hockey character Don Cherry would tell you, is a very bad thing come playoff time. So far, Don's right. They haven't gotten past the first round in a long time.

New Jersey Devils - a very good team. A very, very boring team. Only this team has the ability to make a 3 - 2 overtime win look really boring. They are tremendously talented, though, so if you want your team to win, this is a good pick.

New York Rangers - they bought their team a la New York Yankees. However, they're unlike the Yankees in that they couldn't win a championship to save their souls. 90% of their players are over thirty. They have the highest payroll in the NHL, but they can't win. Period. End of argument.

New York Islanders - recently bought two solid players. But one of them is a whiner and the other one has never scored fifty goals. The remainder of the team is...how do you say...mediocre. The future is as bright as a twelve-watt light bulb. A great underdog.

St. Louis Blues - a great regular-season team. In the playoffs, they play like a minor-league team. They recently acquired Doug Weight and Freddie Braithwaite, though, which should help their chances.

Washington Capitals - the last team alphabetically. Capable of making the playoffs. Not capable of making it any further than the second round most years. Their goaltending is lackluster. Nice uniforms, though.

If you actually managed to read this whole thing, I salute you. Thank you and good night!

- Benjamin Massey

Guide Researcher