Prepare To Be Boarded! is a game of message board combat. All you need is one opponent, an online message board that automatically displays the date and time of each posting, some unsuspecting rubes, and the desire to destroy your opponent. Players "wound" each other by:

* writing longer and longer posts

* clumsily manipulating the non-players who join your discussion, or

* exchanging broadsides.

WARNING: Keep away from any message boards where this kind of thing might be prohibited or viewed as unforgivably anti-social. And don't say I didn't warn you!


Although the game seems to encourage trolling, it can and should be played without intentionally angering others. Similarly, combatants must refrain from ad hominem attacks. A proper session of this game should read like a reasoned debate between two or more people. Anything less would be unworthy of associating with the name Prepare To Be Boarded!

Yet another euphemism for the same old Stat you've always used

Each player begins with a set amount of "Take My Ball And Go Home" points. Like wound points or good ol' Hit points, TMB&GH points represent the the number of hits a message board combatant can endure before she must exit the game, in this case, retreating. This involves the loser taking a parting shot, making up some lame excuse that allows her to retreat in honor. Example: "Well, if you're going to make wild statements like 'Capitalism is the fairest and most efficient system available,' then obviously there's no appealing to reason. Anyone who would say that is beyond my reach. It's like butting your head against the wall trying to convince you of anything." Et cetera.


{I'm guessing that 40 TMB&GH pts for each player would be right for an average game, but this might change after further playtesting.}

Pre-game negotiation.

Terms of the game or house rules should be established via email or some other contact outside of the message board where the game is to be played. In fact, you might use a totally separate message board to communicate details outside the game. (But trying to play PTBB in both message boards at the same time would be ill-advised.) Combatants should agree on how many TMB&GH points each player begins the game with, time limitations (if you don't want it to drag out more than two weeks), etc.


Decide on a specific topic for debate at this point, taking into consideration topics that you'd like to argue as well as topics that are more likely to draw an equal number of followers to either side. A person who chose to argue against the need for a Terror War in Afghanistan might be disadvantaged on a VFW message board, for example, where it would be difficult to find many who would agree. Topics could range from politics to religion to game design to knitting needles. Choose a populated message board where people feel free to join conversations uninvited. If you suspect that you won't be able to agree on all details of the game, it might help to decide on an independent judge.


Finally, decide who will post the first message. For those too obstinate to agree, it is customary for the guest to take the opening move (the combatant who was invited into battle).


Here's a sample agreement you might fill in before play begins:


Topic of debate (be specific): ____________________________

First post will be by: ____________________________

Beginning TMB&GH Pts: ____________________________

Time Limitation: ____________________________

Judge whose decisions we'll respect: ____________________________

House Rules or notes: ____________________________

Firing Across the Bow.

The first player creates a new topic of discussion or a new discussion thread. Never begin your game on an existing thread. It wouldn't be cricket. This first post should be a simple declaration of your position in the debate, with a few reasons why you feel that way.


The first reply should advance the opposing viewpoint, with a few statements to support this belief, or rebuttals to the guest's opening shots.

Numerological Reduction instead of Dice

The randomizing mechanic of this game is taken from a numerological reduction of the date and time stamps that so many message boards automatically append to posts. First convert the date and time of your post to a string of numbers. "Posted May 28, 2002 03:34 PM" would become 05-28-2002 03:34. The order of the numbers does not matter. Time and date can be switched, year could be two or four digits long, months and days could be in American (05-28-2002) or European (28-05-2002) order.


Make them into one long number and add all the digits.


052820020334

0 + 5 + 2 + 8 + 2 + 0 + 0 + 2 + 0 + 3 + 3 + 4 = 29


If the sum has more than one digit, then you must "reduce" this number again. In the example above, 29 still has two digits, so we have to reduce it further by adding those digits.


29

2 + 9 = 11


11

1 + 1 = 2


Among numerologists, this is called "reduction" or "theosophical addition." You can find somebody else to explain that junk. All that interests me is that us normal humans usually can't add fast enough to see what a long string of numbers will reduce to. Unless you're mathematically gifted like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, you probably need a minute or two to figure it. So the day and time of your posting converts into a number ranging from one through nine that is, for all practical purposes, random. It works even better if you use a message board system that automatically attaches a bunch of other numbers you can't control or guess.


For example, the system used by Delphi Forums automatically shows the day, month and time of your posting, plus a big arbitrary number like 15319.1, and "4 of 32" (meaning the 4th post out of 32 total posts in this thread).


Note that only stable numbers associated with a post should be used. For example "posting 1 of 16" looks suitable, but when the next post is added, this one will be "1 of 17". The "1" won't change, but the other number should be ignored. Another example of numbers to ignore would be the voting system on Delphi, whereby readers can rate each message with 1 through 5 stars. [Is it just me, or does that sound childish as all Hell? Please rate this message with 5 stars if you agree.] Since this number can be manipulated by users after the post is finished, it must not be used toward your Reduction scores.

Used in Three Ways

This effectively randomizing element, which can be exploited on most message boards, can be used in three ways:


1. Straight damage to opponent.

2. Expand your crew.

3. Sink an enemy skiff.


1. Straight damage to opponent. Your resulting number is subtracted from your opponent's TMB&GH points. [If both players have the same number, this is their only option.]


2. Expand your crew. If your Reduction number is higher than your opponent's, you can enlist the help of a Crew member, one of the non-players who has joined the discussion and explicity agreed with you or disagreed with your opponent. Announce to your opponent via email (or whatever outside communication you've chosen) which of your followers has been armed and made a member of your Crew. Beginning with this Crew member's next post, s/he will inflict one point of damage per turn in which s/he posts. ("Turn" meaning one exchange between the two main players, not each new posting by the Crew member. If the Crew member fired five postings in a row, it would only count as one point until the next posting by a player. If the Crew member fails to post before the next turn, s/he does no damage.) No need for Reduction of the Crew member's numbers, it's just an automatic one point.


3. Sink an enemy skiff. If your Reduction number is higher than your opponent's, you may fire on one of your enemy's Crew. This requires a new posting "aimed" at the chosen Crew person, comparing the Reduction number from this new post to the target's next post. If your Reduced number is higher, the Crew can no longer do any damage, and has no further impact on the game, including special damage like Alliterative Attacks or any others. The blasted Crew member will probably continue posting messages, but for game purposes, he's sunk. Note that if the Crew member wins in this comparison of Reduction numbers, then you take two points damage and the Crew member continues unharmed.


Be aware of the difference between your "followers" and your "crew." Followers are non-players who agree with your side of the debate, but can't do damage automatically. When you spend your winning Reduction number comparison to arm one of them, only then does the follower become a member of your "crew," able to inflict one point of damage each turn.

Increasingly Silly Extra Attacks.

The way to inflict extra damage on your opponent involves gently manipulating the other participants on the message thread who don't realize you're playing a game. Although you're trying to influence them, I don't consider this "trolling" exactly, because the intent is not as nasty. It's like the difference between being duped into talking to a flower on Candid Camera (light-hearted anti-social behavior like this game) versus a woman paid by a tabloid to hide cameras in the room where she allegedly commits adultery with a sports announcer (mean-spirited anti-social behavior).


+1. "Follower." Your enemy takes one point of damage if a non-player states that s/he agrees with you, specifically using your name somewhere in the post. In order to count as a hit, the statement has to be fairly straightforward: "Joe, you're right." Or "I agree with Joe." If there's any quibbling, or if the non-player lamely attempts to partially agree with both of you (as if every damned debate had a happy medium that easily solved the problem), then no damage is done.


+1. "Maximum Verbosity." Beginning with the second turn, your enemy takes one point of damage if your post has a word count of more than double the longest previous post. This tactic can get unwieldy, but it's the easiest way to start doing extra damage early in the game. In order to qualify, you may not use quotes from anyone on the message board or from websites. It should be original material, even if you have to ramble to reach your target word count. And you can't repeat the same line over and over or it doesn't count! And you can't repeat the same line over and over or it doesn't count!


+1. "Authorities Agree." Your enemy takes one point of damage if you can create a plausible but fictional quote attributed to a real person, and one of your followers mentions the name as if it proved your point. Speaking before the U.S. Senate in 1961, J. Edgar Hoover said, "This attack will not cause any damage if the follower questions the fictional name or quote." He also said that the word "gullible" ain't in the Merriam-Webster New Collegiate dictionary.


+2. "Alliterative Attack." Your enemy takes two points of damage if you can get a follower to repeat an alliterative phrase of three words or more. Extra point if the repeated alliterative phrase is five words long. In this case, it doesn't count if it appears in quotation marks, and should not be directly coaxed or requested from the combatant. Combatants constantly coaching comrades cannot count, because that would be too easy. ("Alliterative" means the repetition of usually initial consonant sounds in two or more neighboring words or syllables [example: wonderfully watery or thrilling throngs].)


+2. "Grapeshot." Your enemy takes two points of damage if your follower quotes fifty or more of your words in one post. The quotation does not have to be fifty words in a row, just a total of fifty words quoted somewhere in a single post.


+3. "Troll Penalty." BOTH players take three points of damage if any non-players respond with flames (name-calling or angry or mean-spirited posts). A judge may be needed to rule on what constitutes "flaming" behavior. The non-player who flamed will have no effect for the rest of the game, neither as a follower or crew. Any further points they might have contributed to their captain are unattainable now. If it's any consolation, the flamer can't cause further flame damage after burning itself out.


Yes, it's possible that a non-player may burst into flames without any help from the players. Seems unfair to penalize both players if they didn't intentionally provoke the flamer. Consider this like random damage, ships battered by a storm as they exchange broadsides. Or as my grandfather says, "The good have to suffer with the bad."

[This "Troll Penalty" bit was edited after input from a certain independent gaming forum. This new rule creates an incentive for players to maintain a rational, even-tempered debate, never intentionally provoking emotional responses from non-players.]


+1. "Undead Followers." It would be anti-social and unsporting to actively hound anyone off the board. You earn no points for scaring or chasing away non-players. However, if an enemy follower states that he is "dropping out," "unsubscribing" or otherwise says he will post no further messages (taking his ball and going home), and if that same person returns to post more later, then you get one bonus point of damage against your enemy.

Parting Shot