Cat - a small, often furry, 4 legged animal that lacks the ability to talk in any human language and therefore cannot convey what their idea of the ideal toy is.

Many observations of a number of different cats of different breeds, ages, and sizes have brought about a number of conclusions on the characteristics a toy should have in a cats perspective. It is the combination of these characteristics that produce the forementioned, Ideal Toy.

Recommended Characteristics
• Cheap or Free- A cat, like a human is to a brand new car, is afraid to play with the toy for fear of damaging it if the toy is expensive. Also remember, cats don't earn money, because of this very small amounts of money may be seen as very large sums of money to cats.
• Small- If the object it too large the cat begins to feel the toy is playing with it instead of the customary it playing with the toy.
• Light- A light object possesses the ability to be thrown into the air with little to no effort on the tossers body. This makes for a much better toy than the "no matter how hard you push, no matter how long you push, it just won't budge" toy.
• Soft- A soft toy gives the oportunity for a cat to sink his claws in on the victimized toy and harrass it repeatedly with jaw-clenching bites. This action to a cat is like a light buzz is to a human. Thus, they always go back for more.
• Fuzzy- A fuzzy toy allows the toy to take on a new frame of mind, the fuzz often will get caught in the claws of a cat for a small period of time thus allowing the cat to make a life saving reaction and bash it away, then chase it down, and repeat the process, over, and over again.
• Crackles- Cats by nature are very afraid of noises, thus as a general rule, a toy that makes noises is not a toy at all. However, there is one exception to this rule, Crackling. Crackling arouses the cats senses and allows the cat to get a high off life.
• Hanging- Cats enjoy to stretch for the big blow, thus making hanging toys great. Just out of their immediate reach, only to be claimed by a successful leap into the air with outstretched claws. Toys hung on an elestic cord allow for some bounce and thus create a living twist on the toy.

Discouraged Characteristics
• Reflections- Reflections are one of the biggest fear factors of cats. Upon sight of their own reflections a cat may begin to run frantically around the house stirring up all the dogs which too begin to run around the house chasing the cat stirring up all the kids which too begin running around the house chasing the dogs which wakes the parents of the household which makes for an awful lot of explaining for an awful lot of noise that brought the elders out of their snooze.
• Noisy- Noise to a cat is like a car horn blaring in ones ear. They hate it, it annoys them, it turns them off, it irritates them, and it just may cause a few extra grey hairs. Because of these reasons, especially the last, cats despise noisy toys that click, squeek, squawk, croak, scream, and/or make any other noise. however there is one exception to this rule, crackling.
• Red- The perfect toy: free, small, soft, fuzzy, crackling, and hanging on an elastic cord, can be ruined by a splash of red placed in a sightly spot. Red, like yellow to us, strains the eyes of a cat. This reaction irritates the cats, tuckers out the cats, and sends the cats off in a new direction, which is more times than not your new tuxedo pants.

Now that one has the appropriate standards for the ideal cat toy, it is your job to go out, find the toy, bring it home, and surprise the dear family pet. Your rewards will be, but not limited to:

• Less trips to the laudromat to remove white cat hairs from your pants and/or shirt
• Less trips to the store to buy new pants and/or shirts after the cat releases his built up anger on the victimized leg or sleeve.
• Extra warmth from the cat on those nights that your wife refuses to let you sleep in the bed with her
• Less food being eaten out of uncovered dinner containers left unprotected on the counter tops
• And of course, a small, light, soft, and fuzzy toy with a mind of its own to release built up stress on!