Chapter 1

By Christ it's hot in here

Even by his own admission, Jesus was sweating more than usual. It wasn't as if he had even been running around all that much as playing in goal for the Martyr's second eleven was hardly a demanding role. No, the only possible explanation was that heaven was getting hotter. The problem, which everyone had noticed but that nobody seemed to be prepared to address, was that heaven was getting too full.

At the other end of the dressing room, St. Thomas Acquinas and Confucius were panting heavily just half a yard¹ apart."The thing..*pant*...is..." said Confucius,²"The thing is ..*pant*... as the only truely impartial judge, I have to referee every match. Every single ..*pant*.. flipping ..*pant*... match." Of course, Thomas was far too polite interrupt. He was too polite to do anything at all which is why he always ended up on the end of rants like this. "What is more it is definitely getting harder", Confucous continued, "I could hardly breathe out there. And the crowds - since when has a martyrs seconds match attracted a crowd? You know what it is, don't you?" and he paused for the perfect, taxi-driver special, length of time which is designed to allow you to realise that the questioner knows the answer but not long enough to let you start answering yourself. "It's
because the sports fields are the only place you can have a bit of space to yourself."

Overhearing this³, God was far from pleased. Clearly everyone was getting a bit tetchy, what with the crowding and heat. In fact, the idea of giving everyone an enormous harp and set of wings which had seemed quite amusing when space was not at a premium was beginning to look downright foolish. The early design had only called for heaven to be infinite in one dimension - time - and now that that design had been implemented it was not viable to alter it. What was more, the lawyers had him cornered with that rainbow contract thing so he couldn't make it more difficult for more people to enter just because there wasn't room for them⁴. No - this was a genuine crisis and like any crisis what it really needed to top it off was a commitee.