Castle Assault 5 : The Convertion Ray
Created | Updated Sep 12, 2005
"And in thy alchohol fuelled haze I shall come for thee and give ye a quest! Awaken!"
Recklessness awoke with a shriek, bounced to his feet, rebounded off the open window pane, whimpered as he saw his blood spray everywhere, figured what the hell and leapt out the window.
That night the powers sat sprawled in various positions, drinking whatever inebriant befitted their nature.
"Guysh, guysh, theresh shomething I'm shupposhed to... >hic!< tell you..." Recklessness, finding to his delight that blood loss made you more vulnerable to the effects of alchohol, blinked a couple of times in confusion ".... theresh shomethingsh going to happen...."
"Oh, right, like our God's going to come down from on high and give us a terrible and dangerous quest." Said Sarcasm, snappily.
"eep." Said Fear.
"I was being Sarcastic." He said, explaining, "Jeez, you don't need to be scared of /everything/"
"Nononono." Said Fear, turning to face him. "I meant it more like this. EEEP!!!" She shrieked, then turned dramatically.
"COWER BRIEF MORTALS!! FOR I AM YOUR GOD!!!" The Mighty Stickman that is known as the Lord Testicles descended from the ceiling to hover before his Dark Apostles.
"I don't care." Said Indifference.
"Your flies are undone." Said Sadism.
"............!" Said Silence, but everyone knew what he meant.
"Drat. Darnit. Messed up the entrance. But NO MATTER. CEASE YOUR FLATULENT WINDS..."
"and heed your vicious noise..." Chorused the powers, all but two who said "I don't care" and "......" respectively.
"I am TESTICLES, your God. And I am hereby charging you with a sacred quest!"
Insanity, spirit of melodrama gasped with delight and knelt before their two dimensional Lord. "Forsooth, tell us, that we may do it while singing Man'o'war songs in your praise!"
Testicles smiled benevolently and laid his hand upon his most enthusiastic Apostles head.
"Well may you be blessed, my Child. See I give unto you a gift." He squinted and fiddled around in his pocket, pulling out an object. "Receive ye well, this most sacred..." He looked at it "...um.... slightly faulty butterfly knife of... of... um....."
"Dread?" Said Insanity hopefully.
"Yes... yes, dread. Just what I was about to say."
The room was quiet for a few seconds.
"Um... the quest?" Said Suffering, in a voice that was clearly prepared for the worst.
"Oh yes, yeah, right. Right. Okay. You guys have got to stop my mortal enemy the Convertrix from activating his brain ray and turning every person on the planet into Jehovas Witnesses. Well. Good luck." He promptly vanished.
The Powers sat and blinked for a few moments. A couple of them looked at their drinks, and, deciding that any kind of religious crusade is best handled without wits, sanity or sobriety, proceeded to finish them.
The following morning everyone was awoken by the loudest Silence they'd ever heard.
"..........!!!" "........!!! ..........! ...!!! ...........!!!" Said Silence.
"Whatdya mean 'returned from the dead'?!" Growled Sarcasm, who always hated being denied his sleep, and couldn't handle mornings without his usual fag, coffee, food and at least half an hour of wake-up sex.
".......!" said Silence.
That clinched it. Intruiged the Powers filed down the stairs to investigate the alarming news. Well, Fear clung on behind Sarcasm, Recklessness decided to take the shortcut by jumping out the window and Indifference sat on her bed.
"I don't care." She thought a bit. "I don't care about not caring." She thought a bit more. "I don't care about walking downstairs. Then I can not care about what's going on down there, and give them the news that I don't care." Having found something new to not care about she summoned as much enthusiasm as was possible for her and sauntered down to join the others.
There sat the Furby. Resurrected. Strangely the person who seemed most terrified at this development was Sadism.
Recklessness, who was always quick on the uptake explained "She's worried this might happen to all her victims."
The worrying exchange of roles problem solved, there was now the mystery of the resurrected Furby.
"What the moose is that thing doing 'alive' again?! We squashed it, poked it, shot it, hanged it, and finally burnt it into a sad, screaming puddle of plastic and metal. How can it be whole again... aside from it's slightly holy green glow." Said Gentleness sweetly.
"WHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!!!!!! WHY TESTICLES HAVE YOU REFUSED OUR OFFERING?!" Cried out Insanity, dropping to his knees and shaking his fists at the burning skies.
The other powers edged away a little.
Then, the Thing awoke. It's motors whirred, it's glowing green ears like angel wings waggled, then it opened it's eyes. One was missing and had been replaced by a vortex of black cloud and lightning, the other glowed red. It made a mechanical coughing sound and a gout of flame emerged from it's terrible beak.
I AM AWOKEN. Stated the terrible creature. None of the powers had heard It speak, but they all remembered what it had said.
I AM YOUR GUIDE. I HAVE RETURNED FROM THE HALLS OF TESTICLES TO HELP THEE IN THY PERILOUS QUEST. BUT FIRST YOU MUST ANSWER THREE RIDDLES.
"Answer this you piece of shit." Said Sarcasm, looking not just cool, but Really Cool (now! with capitals!), and holding his gun to it's head.
THAT SHOOTS SMALL PLASTIC PELLETS THAT HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT ON MY HARD PLASTIC-STYLE ECTOPLASMIC SHELL.
"....." Said Silence, looking meaningfully at the burning goo.
CURSE YOUR MASTERFUL INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES!! VERY WELL I WILL CO-OPERATE!
Silence looked smug.
********
"Right, Gentleness and Fear, you two are on Distraction Squad." Said Sarcasm.
"eep!" "We won't have to do anything violent will we?"
"Insanity, Recklessness and Indifference, you guys are on Suicide squad." Said Sarcasm.
"I am ready to die for the cause!" "Wahoo!" "I don't care."
"And myself, Silence, Sadism and Suffering are on the 'S' squad. So called because all our names start with 'S'. You might think it'll be confusing having two of our squad names begin with 'S' but I'm sure it won't prove a problem." Said Sarcasm.
"........" "Do we get to interrogate anyone at any point?" "I don't want to be on the 'S' squad. It has a silly name."
Sarcasm sighed. "Look. This strategic meeting has already lasted for six hours, and we are /still/ sorting out squads."
"I still don't think they should be called squads. It's just not us." Said Suffering again.
"Actually I agree. How about herds, or swarms, or schools, or shoals, or flocks, or groups, or murders, or chapters, or flocks, or gangs, or.... or...." Sadism said, running out of words.
"How about Splinter Groups, or Factions?" Said Insanity, his eyes lighting up.
"Yeah." "Yup." "Sounds cool." "Much better." "I like that." ".....!" "I don't care."
"Alright! Alright! Factions it is then. Right, Distraction Faction...."
"Hey, that rhymes!"".....you're on distracting the gatekeepers by any means necessary. With the obvious exception of Fear who is to attempt no seduction /what so ever/."
"Heey" Said Suffering
"Suicide Faction, you guys are on the most dangerous tasks. You and 'S' Faction..."
"Not 'S' Faction!" Interrupted Suffering
"Well what then?!"
"Eeerrmm..... how about..... Ess faction?"
"What? 'S' Faction?"
"No. Ess Faction. With an 'E'."
"Oooookay. You and 'S' Faction"
"Ess Faction."
"Right, right. You and Ess Faction will approach the hideout from kayaks. You will proceed up the wall of the castle with grappling hooks, battle your way down to the portculis thingy that stops boats from going under the castle via the river so we can go under the castle via the river, and open it. While you perform this vital task, the saner Ess Faction will shout encouragement."
"Jarum Testicles!!" Shouted Insanity, "erm...." Said Recklessness, his nature doing battle with his remaining sanity, "I don't care" Said Indifference bravely.
The kayaks slid like silent sharks over the shallow water towards the castle. A hunters moon turned the clouds obscuring it a supernatural yellow. Distraction Faction were already deployed in position with nothing but some crisps and a bottle of fortified wine to keep them going.
Sarcasm lead the group paddling silently past scout-jehovas-witnesses facing away from the river. Ahead, sillhouetted against the sky was The Castle. To the right the river wound and meandered up to it, it's surface smooth as glass. To the left was a waterfall and a rapid that led straight to The Castle.
"Okay guys, which way? I know, lets take the certain death route to the left!" Said Sarcasm.
The other powers laughed. Then they looked around. Insanity and Sadism's kayak was missing. In fact, it was balanced over the waterful.
"Insanity you moron! I was being...."
"TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE!!" Yelled Insanity happily, and launched them off despite Sadism's spikey protests.
"... sarcastic." Finished Sarcasm.
"I'm not about to be outdone by Insanity!!" Yelled Recklessness, and turned to his kayak-partener Silence.
"You don't mind going to certain death over the rapids, do you?"
"......??!!! ...........!!!!!!" Said Silence.
"No? Okay! SEEE YOOOU GUUYYYYSSS THEEERE THEEEEN!!!" Yelled Recklessness
".................!!!!!!!" Screamed Silence.
Suffering and Sarcasm turned to Indifference, sympathy in their eyes.
"What? I don't care." She said.
The three arrived at the castle edge and looked around for their four companions. A strange noise drew them to small island in the water. Recklessness and Silence sat together facing the water.
"Ahoy there!" Shouted Sarcasm.
"Oh. Hi." Said Recklessness.
"....... " Said Silence.
"Have you seen Sadism and Insanity?"
"Yes. I have." Said Recklessness.
The noise stopped and a scream rent the air, then it started again.
"Ah. I see. I'll just go and...."
"No. You really don't want to go back there. It's okay. I'm sure she'll get tired out eventually." Said Recklessness
"......." Agreed Silence.
*****
"It's okay. Just leave them in ice. They can just sew 'em back on." Said Sadism as she approached. She was replied by a whimper.
*****
"There. I'm pretty sure the grappling hook's secure." Said Insanity.
"You Idiot!! This is worse than that time with the window and the keys!!" Fumed Recklessness.
"What?! It's nice and secure up there. Look it's not coming down." Insanity defended.
"Yeah. Whoopdy frickin' doo. Didn't you think to attach the /rope/ first?!" Yelled Recklessness.
"Look Mister I've-Still-Got-Both-Nipples! Don't critisize me! I've just suffered more than any sane human could withstand!!" Insanity yelled back.
"Ahem." Said Suffering.
"Okay. Any sane human and Suffering." Amended Insanity.
"Right. There's only one thing left to do. I'll climb on your shoulders, then Indifference climbs on yours, then you climb on Indifference's again and so on until we reach the top." Said Insanity.
"Not that I care but what about the bottom person." Said Indifference testily.
"Ah. That's the clever bit, see." Said Insanity "The bottom person holds onto the person on their shoulders' ankles."
"Isn't that imp..." Began Suffering
"Shutupshutupshutup" Muttered Sarcasm "Don't give gravity any ideas."
The three ascended swiftly and confidently enough that gravity only realised it's mistake by the time Recklessness had his hands wrapped firmly around the battlements.
"Oh Fu'in hell. I just realised that this is impossible." Said Insanity, his science lessons battling through his alchohol induced haze at last. The three yelled as they swung from the battlements.
"This could be the last moment we have together, guys. I'd just like to take this moment to say to both of you.... well.... that I don't care." Said Indifference in a moving speech.
"Okay. My hands are slipping so here's the plan. You guys let go and I'll backflip into a handstand on this battlement. I'll quickly scan the surroundings, grab the grappling hook, tie some rope around it, and drop it down. Meanwhile you two will be spreading yourselves out as much as possible to maximise air resistance. That means that the grappling hook will overtake you and you can grab onto the rope. Okay?" Said Recklessness
"Or I could just climb up you both and pull you up." Said Insanity.
****
"Even though I don't care, I still find it hard to believe that we ended up going with Recklessness' plan." Said Indifference, as the three of them sat on the battlements.
"Well as it was one on one and you didn't seem to have any preferences..."
"I didn't care."
"we ended up just flipping a coin."
"I still don't care."
"And obviously as we got you to flip the coin as the only impartial person present..."
"I don't even care about listening to you right now."
"You ended up letting go of Recklessness as you tried to free your hands to flip it and all that was left was Recklessness' plan."
"Sorry? I didn't care enough to listen."
"Never mind."
"I don't."
"HALT! We want to talk to you about Jesus!!"
"Fu'in Hell!! Jehovas Witnesses! JARUM TESTICLES!!"
"Charge!!"
"I DONT CAAAARE!!"
Three Jehovas Witnesses armed with deadly throwing crosses and bibles on chains leapt forward. Whirling them about their bodies they met the onrush of the Powers with a clash.
Meanwhile on the island Faction Ess were enjoying a couple of beers and sharing a pair of binoculars.
Silence grinned and observed the battle going on above. Then he winced.
"What happenned?" Asked Sadism eagerly.
"............. .....!" Replied Silence.
"Oh God man. I didn't want to know! You know that's going to haunt me for years." Said Suffering.
"You've had enough, it's my go." Said Sarcasm, but in a cool way as he took the binoculars.
"Hmmm. I think it's nearly over...." The Powers followed a Jehovas Witnesses' screaming descent into the moat. Then drank more beer.
Suicide Faction finally found the portcullis lever. Unfortunately it was at the end of a long corridor. The Sacred Furby under Recklessness's arm stirred.
NOW YOU MUST FACE THE THREE PERILS. THE PERIL OF FLAME.
The first third of the coridoor began to whoosh with flame (I know whoosh is a crap word but hey.)
THE PERIL OF MADNESS
The second third of the coridoor began to twist and invert in a mind-melting way
AND THE FINAL AND MOST TERRIBLE - THE PERIL OF THE MIME ARTISTS.
Twelve mime artists with white faces and gloves began to twirl and act in the last section of the corridor. Insanity and Recklessness screamed.
"But how are we to prevail against such adversity?" Asked Recklessness, singeing the furbie's foot in the flames for something to do.
THINK UPON IT. EACH OF YOU MUST USE YOUR STRENGTHS. ACT UNTO THY NATURE.
"Not that I care but I understand." Said Indifference, "Basically one of us leads the others blindfolded. Simple. Although I don't care obviously."
THAT RIGHT. SPOIL THE MYSTERIOUS ATMOSPHERE WEVE GOT GOING BY SIMPLIFYING IT ALL. BLOODY WOMAN.
"Right. Then this first one is for me!" Cried Recklessness, attaching black fabric to his companions heads. Insanity spat and held out his object.
"Recklessness. This is a ball gag." He complained.
"Quiet bitch." Replied Recklessness, who was rather getting into it. Taking the other two by the hands, furby tucked under his arm, he leapt through the flames.
"Wheee!" He cried.
"Mmmph!!!" Responded Insanity
"I don't care!" Shouted Indifference.
And then they reached the second peril.
"By Testicles that is not easy on the eyes." Whimpered Recklessness weakly.
"I.... don't.......... care?" Muttered Indifference.
"What's wrong with it?" Said Insanity cheerfully.
The swimming distorted mess that was the Peril of Madness was said to be able to turn your average brain to cheese in a matter of seconds. The Powers were naturally a little more resilient, but twas only a matter of time. Sensing the urgency Insanity swiftly blindfolded the other Powers, and leapt into the vortex, navigating it's warps and twists safely and easily.
Then they emerged into the final and most terrible of the challenges. The Peril of Mime Artists.
Insanity screamed as one attempted to climb an invisible ladder in front of him.
"Not that I care but I'm going to raise the portcullis." Said Indifference, weaving easily around the mime artists and their cunning invisible forcefields, ropes and ladders.
Reaching the lever she tugged it.
Meanwhile, back with Faction Ess.....
"Oh great, the portcullis is open." Said Suffering.
The other powers glanced over.
"Guess we'd better go then." Said Sadism unwillingly.
"....... .....!" Said Silence.
"Yeah, Silence is right. We'll just finish our beers, then we'll alert Faction Distraction and go." Agreed Sarcasm.
"Um... guys." Suffering muttered.
"Yeah?"
"You know the new Power..." He continued
"What, your girlfriend Gentleness or the insane cat thing?"
"Gentleness... um. There's something I should really have told you about her." Suffering went on.
"Well tell us quick, because I've just released the messenger owl." Responded Sarcasm testily, he had a way with owls.
"Well. It's her time of the month...."
"Dude we don't want to know that!" "......!"
"No... no I don't mean it like that." He said glumly.
"Look Fear. The messenger owl. It's time!"
They stood up, raining crisps and wine bottle. Together they approached the castle.
"HALT!! CONVERT OR POTENTIAL CONVERT?"
"UM... IS THAT LIKE FRIEND OR FOE?" Called back Fear.
"KIND OF... UM... ARE YOU A JEHOVAS WITNESS?"
"UM... are you a Jehovas witness Gentleness?"
"no"
"UM. NO WE AREN'T." she shouted
"RIGHT. THEN WAIT THERE SO WE CAN CAPTURE YOU, TEST OUR CONVERSION BEAM ON YOU, THEN ADD YOU TO THE CONVERTRIX'S HAREM!"
"I really didn't like the sound of that, Fear." said Gentleness.
"Eep! Sarcasm'll kill me!" Said Fear.
"Don't worry.... I've got a trick up my sleeve."
The sound of approaching armoured Jehovas witness jangled closer.
"Heellooo... I wouldn't mind talking to yooou about Jesus, if you know what I mean love." Somehow when said by him it sounded like a very rude pickup line.
"Don't annoy me, please don't. You really won't like me when I'm angry." Said Gentleness sweetly
"Hurr hurr hurrr." Said the villain, menacingly.
"eep." Said Fear.
****
"You old dog! I don't believe you bagged yourself a werewolf. She must be a real tiger in bed!" Said Sarcasm in a machismo-talking-about-girls way.
"....!" Agreed Silence
****
The clouds parted, revealing the hunter's moon in it's bloody glory.
"REEEAARRRWWWWWW" Said Gentleness.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH" Screamed Fear, on the verge of Total Terror Status. Then she saw a spider.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!" Fear's eyes crossed and her inner ferret burst forth and began to attack the guard. The thing about armour, even plate mail, is that it's no defense against a ferret who can climb up your trouser leg. Their prey managed a shout for help, though. Distraction Faction was proving a Total Success.
****
"Well, the girls are having fun" Said Sarcasm cooly.
"Shall we go?"
"Yeah."
Hopping back into kayaks Faction Ess made their way under the open portculis and into The Castle.
***********
"My Lord. The Powers have arrived as you predicted. The two females you named as scared and softness.."
"Fear and Gentleness you dolt." Said a high, oily, terrifying voice that made you want to buy a chainlock and a rotweiler.
"Yes my Lord. Fear and Gentleness are currently proving... difficult to capture."
"What do you mean difficult?!"
"Well. Um. There are currently twenty of our fully armed guard out there to, um, capture them."
"So what's the problem?"
"Perhaps you ought to have a look my Lord."
The shadowy figure stood, his hood turning his face to darkness. He crossed the floor with a noise like clunk swisshh, clunk swisshh, then stood and observed the commotion on a monitor. After a while he turned the sound up.
"GRRREEEEEEAAAARRRRRRRRRR"
"AAAARGH!!!!"
"eep."
"SSSSSSSSQQQQQQQQQQQQQQEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
He turned the sound down again.
"I see. Send the ninjas."
************
Faction Suicide and Faction Ess had met up after a few amusing minutes of chasing each other down corridors.
Together they searched the castle.
Then they searched it again.
"Fu'in hell. There's nothing bloody here." Muttered Insanity.
Then Sadism's feline ears revolved slightly and she tilted her head. Then she reached up to the top of the corridor and pulled down something making mechanical whirring noises.
"They've been avoiding us with cameras, watching us with cameras. They've been watching us all along." Said Suffering.
They searched the castle again. But this time they destroyed every camera they could find along the way. And after a little while they ran into a frightened looking man peering down the corridor away from them, his hand pressed to his ear trying to maximise the volume of his radio earpiece.
Sadism glanced at Sarcasm, requesting permission. He nodded indulgently. She grinned, stalked up behind him, silent as a cat, and cleared her throat. He jumped and turned, slowly.
"Oh just a few more minutes. He's still holding out, honest!!" Shouted Sadism indignantly
"I'M NOT!! I'M NOT HOLDING OUT!!! PLEASE I'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING!!!" Yelled the luckless prisoner.
"We'll just ask him a few questions, and if he holds back at all you can have him back." said Sarcasm fairly.
"hmph." Sadism kicked at the floor grumpily.
"Okay, prisoner. Where's the Convertrix's secret hideout?"
"Okay! You go up those stairs, left, third right, and at the end of the corridor it looks like a dead end, but it's not, you just have to wave an ID card infront of the sculpture of Our Lord Crucified's eyes."
"He's holding back! He could've told you faster..." Said Sadism disapointedly. Then she turned to the prisoner. "Come on! Be a man! Stand up to him!"
The prisoner looked at her then looked back at Sarcasm.
"Um. Here's my ID card." He said taking the crucifix off his neck and handing it over.
Factions Ess and Suicide stood in front of the blank wall. The crucifix was waved. The eyes glowed blue momentarily, then a mechanised voice from the device said
"tHaNkYoU aCcEsS cOnFiRmEd."
There sat the Convertrix himself, enthroned behind a lectern. As the powers ran forward he held up a hand.
"Not so fast."
He pushed a button on the lectern. The wall behind him opened to reveal Fear and Gentleness in a cage suspended off the floor, the ferret suspended in a smaller cage in that cage with white fluff sticking out of it's mouth. Aimed at them was a huge machine that was quite clearly the terrible conversion ray.
"How did you capture them?!" Cried out Suffering, panic in his eyes.
"Wolfsbane grenade and a rabbit trap (the kind baited with a rabbit as opposed to the kind designed for a rabbit. Obviously.)" Replied the Convertrix in a terrifying and triumphant voice. "Now. I'd like to talk to you about... Jesus." He said, his eyes glowing with malice.
"You won't get away with this, you know" Said Sarcasm, looking even cooler than he's looked yet in this story, which, as you are probably aware is pretty seriously damned cool.
Fear turned at the sound of his voice "Sarcasm?" She said hopefully. Her inner ferret disappeared instantly.
"Now. You will drop all your weapons and artifacts and surrender so we can convert you all with our conversion beam. Or we will Convert the girls." Thundered his terrifying voice.
The powers looked puzzled for a few seconds.
"Hang on. If we don't surrender you'll convert the girls. And if we do surrender you'll convert the girls /and/ us...." Said Recklessness trying to understand.
"Erm. Yes. mwah ha haa?" Replied the Convertrix shakily, realising his Evil Bargain wasn't as persuasive as he'd been planning.
"Oh fu'in' hell!! CHARGE!! JARUM TESTICLES!!" Yelled Insanity, already humming the openings to a selection of man'o'war songs.
"Rrrraaaarrr!!" Yelled Sarcasm, his teeth getting slightly pointier in his rage.
".......!!!"
"I DOOOONT CAAAAAAARE!!!!!"
"This whole battlecry thing is so cliched"
"Kill! Maim! Burn!"
"...............................................!!!!!!!!"
As the Powers charged screaming their battlecries no one noticed the glowing green furbie leap to trip up Insanity. No one noticed him trip, sending the Slightly Faulty Butterfly Knife of Dread flying out of his pocket, and knocking the Conversion Ray a few minute but crucial inches off.
And the Convertrix ran, the Jehovas Witness Ninjas covered his escape with their sharp metal throwing-fish, small exploding firecrackers and pointy crucifixes.
"Are you sure this'll work?" asked Suffering.
"I know more about computer stuff than you." Said Recklessness - a cunning and non-comital answer that nevertheless made the questioner feel stupid for daring to question.
The girls had got free in time to take their personal revenge against the ninjas. Gentleness was pattering happily about the castle howling occasionly, pausing only to elicit screams and the occasional splat from the terrified Jehovas Witnesses.
"Ooookay... that should be set to overload now. We've got about... ten minutes to get out. Suffering. Go find your girlfriend."
And they got out just in time as narrative dictates. And Ralph recovered his knife. And the furby redied in the explosion. And they finished their holiday in Belgium after many more exciting adventures. And YAYE Testicles was mightily pleased with his dark apostles. And when they returned to the house it was filled with saki, beer, absinth, crisps, waffles, and all manner of wondrous things.
Recklessness awoke with a shriek, bounced to his feet, rebounded off the open window pane, whimpered as he saw his blood spray everywhere, figured what the hell and leapt out the window.
That night the powers sat sprawled in various positions, drinking whatever inebriant befitted their nature.
"Guysh, guysh, theresh shomething I'm shupposhed to... >hic!< tell you..." Recklessness, finding to his delight that blood loss made you more vulnerable to the effects of alchohol, blinked a couple of times in confusion ".... theresh shomethingsh going to happen...."
"Oh, right, like our God's going to come down from on high and give us a terrible and dangerous quest." Said Sarcasm, snappily.
"eep." Said Fear.
"I was being Sarcastic." He said, explaining, "Jeez, you don't need to be scared of /everything/"
"Nononono." Said Fear, turning to face him. "I meant it more like this. EEEP!!!" She shrieked, then turned dramatically.
"COWER BRIEF MORTALS!! FOR I AM YOUR GOD!!!" The Mighty Stickman that is known as the Lord Testicles descended from the ceiling to hover before his Dark Apostles.
"I don't care." Said Indifference.
"Your flies are undone." Said Sadism.
"............!" Said Silence, but everyone knew what he meant.
"Drat. Darnit. Messed up the entrance. But NO MATTER. CEASE YOUR FLATULENT WINDS..."
"and heed your vicious noise..." Chorused the powers, all but two who said "I don't care" and "......" respectively.
"I am TESTICLES, your God. And I am hereby charging you with a sacred quest!"
Insanity, spirit of melodrama gasped with delight and knelt before their two dimensional Lord. "Forsooth, tell us, that we may do it while singing Man'o'war songs in your praise!"
Testicles smiled benevolently and laid his hand upon his most enthusiastic Apostles head.
"Well may you be blessed, my Child. See I give unto you a gift." He squinted and fiddled around in his pocket, pulling out an object. "Receive ye well, this most sacred..." He looked at it "...um.... slightly faulty butterfly knife of... of... um....."
"Dread?" Said Insanity hopefully.
"Yes... yes, dread. Just what I was about to say."
The room was quiet for a few seconds.
"Um... the quest?" Said Suffering, in a voice that was clearly prepared for the worst.
"Oh yes, yeah, right. Right. Okay. You guys have got to stop my mortal enemy the Convertrix from activating his brain ray and turning every person on the planet into Jehovas Witnesses. Well. Good luck." He promptly vanished.
The Powers sat and blinked for a few moments. A couple of them looked at their drinks, and, deciding that any kind of religious crusade is best handled without wits, sanity or sobriety, proceeded to finish them.
The following morning everyone was awoken by the loudest Silence they'd ever heard.
"..........!!!" "........!!! ..........! ...!!! ...........!!!" Said Silence.
"Whatdya mean 'returned from the dead'?!" Growled Sarcasm, who always hated being denied his sleep, and couldn't handle mornings without his usual fag, coffee, food and at least half an hour of wake-up sex.
".......!" said Silence.
That clinched it. Intruiged the Powers filed down the stairs to investigate the alarming news. Well, Fear clung on behind Sarcasm, Recklessness decided to take the shortcut by jumping out the window and Indifference sat on her bed.
"I don't care." She thought a bit. "I don't care about not caring." She thought a bit more. "I don't care about walking downstairs. Then I can not care about what's going on down there, and give them the news that I don't care." Having found something new to not care about she summoned as much enthusiasm as was possible for her and sauntered down to join the others.
There sat the Furby. Resurrected. Strangely the person who seemed most terrified at this development was Sadism.
Recklessness, who was always quick on the uptake explained "She's worried this might happen to all her victims."
The worrying exchange of roles problem solved, there was now the mystery of the resurrected Furby.
"What the moose is that thing doing 'alive' again?! We squashed it, poked it, shot it, hanged it, and finally burnt it into a sad, screaming puddle of plastic and metal. How can it be whole again... aside from it's slightly holy green glow." Said Gentleness sweetly.
"WHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!!!!!! WHY TESTICLES HAVE YOU REFUSED OUR OFFERING?!" Cried out Insanity, dropping to his knees and shaking his fists at the burning skies.
The other powers edged away a little.
Then, the Thing awoke. It's motors whirred, it's glowing green ears like angel wings waggled, then it opened it's eyes. One was missing and had been replaced by a vortex of black cloud and lightning, the other glowed red. It made a mechanical coughing sound and a gout of flame emerged from it's terrible beak.
I AM AWOKEN. Stated the terrible creature. None of the powers had heard It speak, but they all remembered what it had said.
I AM YOUR GUIDE. I HAVE RETURNED FROM THE HALLS OF TESTICLES TO HELP THEE IN THY PERILOUS QUEST. BUT FIRST YOU MUST ANSWER THREE RIDDLES.
"Answer this you piece of shit." Said Sarcasm, looking not just cool, but Really Cool (now! with capitals!), and holding his gun to it's head.
THAT SHOOTS SMALL PLASTIC PELLETS THAT HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT ON MY HARD PLASTIC-STYLE ECTOPLASMIC SHELL.
"....." Said Silence, looking meaningfully at the burning goo.
CURSE YOUR MASTERFUL INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES!! VERY WELL I WILL CO-OPERATE!
Silence looked smug.
********
"Right, Gentleness and Fear, you two are on Distraction Squad." Said Sarcasm.
"eep!" "We won't have to do anything violent will we?"
"Insanity, Recklessness and Indifference, you guys are on Suicide squad." Said Sarcasm.
"I am ready to die for the cause!" "Wahoo!" "I don't care."
"And myself, Silence, Sadism and Suffering are on the 'S' squad. So called because all our names start with 'S'. You might think it'll be confusing having two of our squad names begin with 'S' but I'm sure it won't prove a problem." Said Sarcasm.
"........" "Do we get to interrogate anyone at any point?" "I don't want to be on the 'S' squad. It has a silly name."
Sarcasm sighed. "Look. This strategic meeting has already lasted for six hours, and we are /still/ sorting out squads."
"I still don't think they should be called squads. It's just not us." Said Suffering again.
"Actually I agree. How about herds, or swarms, or schools, or shoals, or flocks, or groups, or murders, or chapters, or flocks, or gangs, or.... or...." Sadism said, running out of words.
"How about Splinter Groups, or Factions?" Said Insanity, his eyes lighting up.
"Yeah." "Yup." "Sounds cool." "Much better." "I like that." ".....!" "I don't care."
"Alright! Alright! Factions it is then. Right, Distraction Faction...."
"Hey, that rhymes!"".....you're on distracting the gatekeepers by any means necessary. With the obvious exception of Fear who is to attempt no seduction /what so ever/."
"Heey" Said Suffering
"Suicide Faction, you guys are on the most dangerous tasks. You and 'S' Faction..."
"Not 'S' Faction!" Interrupted Suffering
"Well what then?!"
"Eeerrmm..... how about..... Ess faction?"
"What? 'S' Faction?"
"No. Ess Faction. With an 'E'."
"Oooookay. You and 'S' Faction"
"Ess Faction."
"Right, right. You and Ess Faction will approach the hideout from kayaks. You will proceed up the wall of the castle with grappling hooks, battle your way down to the portculis thingy that stops boats from going under the castle via the river so we can go under the castle via the river, and open it. While you perform this vital task, the saner Ess Faction will shout encouragement."
"Jarum Testicles!!" Shouted Insanity, "erm...." Said Recklessness, his nature doing battle with his remaining sanity, "I don't care" Said Indifference bravely.
The kayaks slid like silent sharks over the shallow water towards the castle. A hunters moon turned the clouds obscuring it a supernatural yellow. Distraction Faction were already deployed in position with nothing but some crisps and a bottle of fortified wine to keep them going.
Sarcasm lead the group paddling silently past scout-jehovas-witnesses facing away from the river. Ahead, sillhouetted against the sky was The Castle. To the right the river wound and meandered up to it, it's surface smooth as glass. To the left was a waterfall and a rapid that led straight to The Castle.
"Okay guys, which way? I know, lets take the certain death route to the left!" Said Sarcasm.
The other powers laughed. Then they looked around. Insanity and Sadism's kayak was missing. In fact, it was balanced over the waterful.
"Insanity you moron! I was being...."
"TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE!!" Yelled Insanity happily, and launched them off despite Sadism's spikey protests.
"... sarcastic." Finished Sarcasm.
"I'm not about to be outdone by Insanity!!" Yelled Recklessness, and turned to his kayak-partener Silence.
"You don't mind going to certain death over the rapids, do you?"
"......??!!! ...........!!!!!!" Said Silence.
"No? Okay! SEEE YOOOU GUUYYYYSSS THEEERE THEEEEN!!!" Yelled Recklessness
".................!!!!!!!" Screamed Silence.
Suffering and Sarcasm turned to Indifference, sympathy in their eyes.
"What? I don't care." She said.
The three arrived at the castle edge and looked around for their four companions. A strange noise drew them to small island in the water. Recklessness and Silence sat together facing the water.
"Ahoy there!" Shouted Sarcasm.
"Oh. Hi." Said Recklessness.
"....... " Said Silence.
"Have you seen Sadism and Insanity?"
"Yes. I have." Said Recklessness.
The noise stopped and a scream rent the air, then it started again.
"Ah. I see. I'll just go and...."
"No. You really don't want to go back there. It's okay. I'm sure she'll get tired out eventually." Said Recklessness
"......." Agreed Silence.
*****
"It's okay. Just leave them in ice. They can just sew 'em back on." Said Sadism as she approached. She was replied by a whimper.
*****
"There. I'm pretty sure the grappling hook's secure." Said Insanity.
"You Idiot!! This is worse than that time with the window and the keys!!" Fumed Recklessness.
"What?! It's nice and secure up there. Look it's not coming down." Insanity defended.
"Yeah. Whoopdy frickin' doo. Didn't you think to attach the /rope/ first?!" Yelled Recklessness.
"Look Mister I've-Still-Got-Both-Nipples! Don't critisize me! I've just suffered more than any sane human could withstand!!" Insanity yelled back.
"Ahem." Said Suffering.
"Okay. Any sane human and Suffering." Amended Insanity.
"Right. There's only one thing left to do. I'll climb on your shoulders, then Indifference climbs on yours, then you climb on Indifference's again and so on until we reach the top." Said Insanity.
"Not that I care but what about the bottom person." Said Indifference testily.
"Ah. That's the clever bit, see." Said Insanity "The bottom person holds onto the person on their shoulders' ankles."
"Isn't that imp..." Began Suffering
"Shutupshutupshutup" Muttered Sarcasm "Don't give gravity any ideas."
The three ascended swiftly and confidently enough that gravity only realised it's mistake by the time Recklessness had his hands wrapped firmly around the battlements.
"Oh Fu'in hell. I just realised that this is impossible." Said Insanity, his science lessons battling through his alchohol induced haze at last. The three yelled as they swung from the battlements.
"This could be the last moment we have together, guys. I'd just like to take this moment to say to both of you.... well.... that I don't care." Said Indifference in a moving speech.
"Okay. My hands are slipping so here's the plan. You guys let go and I'll backflip into a handstand on this battlement. I'll quickly scan the surroundings, grab the grappling hook, tie some rope around it, and drop it down. Meanwhile you two will be spreading yourselves out as much as possible to maximise air resistance. That means that the grappling hook will overtake you and you can grab onto the rope. Okay?" Said Recklessness
"Or I could just climb up you both and pull you up." Said Insanity.
****
"Even though I don't care, I still find it hard to believe that we ended up going with Recklessness' plan." Said Indifference, as the three of them sat on the battlements.
"Well as it was one on one and you didn't seem to have any preferences..."
"I didn't care."
"we ended up just flipping a coin."
"I still don't care."
"And obviously as we got you to flip the coin as the only impartial person present..."
"I don't even care about listening to you right now."
"You ended up letting go of Recklessness as you tried to free your hands to flip it and all that was left was Recklessness' plan."
"Sorry? I didn't care enough to listen."
"Never mind."
"I don't."
"HALT! We want to talk to you about Jesus!!"
"Fu'in Hell!! Jehovas Witnesses! JARUM TESTICLES!!"
"Charge!!"
"I DONT CAAAARE!!"
Three Jehovas Witnesses armed with deadly throwing crosses and bibles on chains leapt forward. Whirling them about their bodies they met the onrush of the Powers with a clash.
Meanwhile on the island Faction Ess were enjoying a couple of beers and sharing a pair of binoculars.
Silence grinned and observed the battle going on above. Then he winced.
"What happenned?" Asked Sadism eagerly.
"............. .....!" Replied Silence.
"Oh God man. I didn't want to know! You know that's going to haunt me for years." Said Suffering.
"You've had enough, it's my go." Said Sarcasm, but in a cool way as he took the binoculars.
"Hmmm. I think it's nearly over...." The Powers followed a Jehovas Witnesses' screaming descent into the moat. Then drank more beer.
Suicide Faction finally found the portcullis lever. Unfortunately it was at the end of a long corridor. The Sacred Furby under Recklessness's arm stirred.
NOW YOU MUST FACE THE THREE PERILS. THE PERIL OF FLAME.
The first third of the coridoor began to whoosh with flame (I know whoosh is a crap word but hey.)
THE PERIL OF MADNESS
The second third of the coridoor began to twist and invert in a mind-melting way
AND THE FINAL AND MOST TERRIBLE - THE PERIL OF THE MIME ARTISTS.
Twelve mime artists with white faces and gloves began to twirl and act in the last section of the corridor. Insanity and Recklessness screamed.
"But how are we to prevail against such adversity?" Asked Recklessness, singeing the furbie's foot in the flames for something to do.
THINK UPON IT. EACH OF YOU MUST USE YOUR STRENGTHS. ACT UNTO THY NATURE.
"Not that I care but I understand." Said Indifference, "Basically one of us leads the others blindfolded. Simple. Although I don't care obviously."
THAT RIGHT. SPOIL THE MYSTERIOUS ATMOSPHERE WEVE GOT GOING BY SIMPLIFYING IT ALL. BLOODY WOMAN.
"Right. Then this first one is for me!" Cried Recklessness, attaching black fabric to his companions heads. Insanity spat and held out his object.
"Recklessness. This is a ball gag." He complained.
"Quiet bitch." Replied Recklessness, who was rather getting into it. Taking the other two by the hands, furby tucked under his arm, he leapt through the flames.
"Wheee!" He cried.
"Mmmph!!!" Responded Insanity
"I don't care!" Shouted Indifference.
And then they reached the second peril.
"By Testicles that is not easy on the eyes." Whimpered Recklessness weakly.
"I.... don't.......... care?" Muttered Indifference.
"What's wrong with it?" Said Insanity cheerfully.
The swimming distorted mess that was the Peril of Madness was said to be able to turn your average brain to cheese in a matter of seconds. The Powers were naturally a little more resilient, but twas only a matter of time. Sensing the urgency Insanity swiftly blindfolded the other Powers, and leapt into the vortex, navigating it's warps and twists safely and easily.
Then they emerged into the final and most terrible of the challenges. The Peril of Mime Artists.
Insanity screamed as one attempted to climb an invisible ladder in front of him.
"Not that I care but I'm going to raise the portcullis." Said Indifference, weaving easily around the mime artists and their cunning invisible forcefields, ropes and ladders.
Reaching the lever she tugged it.
Meanwhile, back with Faction Ess.....
"Oh great, the portcullis is open." Said Suffering.
The other powers glanced over.
"Guess we'd better go then." Said Sadism unwillingly.
"....... .....!" Said Silence.
"Yeah, Silence is right. We'll just finish our beers, then we'll alert Faction Distraction and go." Agreed Sarcasm.
"Um... guys." Suffering muttered.
"Yeah?"
"You know the new Power..." He continued
"What, your girlfriend Gentleness or the insane cat thing?"
"Gentleness... um. There's something I should really have told you about her." Suffering went on.
"Well tell us quick, because I've just released the messenger owl." Responded Sarcasm testily, he had a way with owls.
"Well. It's her time of the month...."
"Dude we don't want to know that!" "......!"
"No... no I don't mean it like that." He said glumly.
"Look Fear. The messenger owl. It's time!"
They stood up, raining crisps and wine bottle. Together they approached the castle.
"HALT!! CONVERT OR POTENTIAL CONVERT?"
"UM... IS THAT LIKE FRIEND OR FOE?" Called back Fear.
"KIND OF... UM... ARE YOU A JEHOVAS WITNESS?"
"UM... are you a Jehovas witness Gentleness?"
"no"
"UM. NO WE AREN'T." she shouted
"RIGHT. THEN WAIT THERE SO WE CAN CAPTURE YOU, TEST OUR CONVERSION BEAM ON YOU, THEN ADD YOU TO THE CONVERTRIX'S HAREM!"
"I really didn't like the sound of that, Fear." said Gentleness.
"Eep! Sarcasm'll kill me!" Said Fear.
"Don't worry.... I've got a trick up my sleeve."
The sound of approaching armoured Jehovas witness jangled closer.
"Heellooo... I wouldn't mind talking to yooou about Jesus, if you know what I mean love." Somehow when said by him it sounded like a very rude pickup line.
"Don't annoy me, please don't. You really won't like me when I'm angry." Said Gentleness sweetly
"Hurr hurr hurrr." Said the villain, menacingly.
"eep." Said Fear.
****
"You old dog! I don't believe you bagged yourself a werewolf. She must be a real tiger in bed!" Said Sarcasm in a machismo-talking-about-girls way.
"....!" Agreed Silence
****
The clouds parted, revealing the hunter's moon in it's bloody glory.
"REEEAARRRWWWWWW" Said Gentleness.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH" Screamed Fear, on the verge of Total Terror Status. Then she saw a spider.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!" Fear's eyes crossed and her inner ferret burst forth and began to attack the guard. The thing about armour, even plate mail, is that it's no defense against a ferret who can climb up your trouser leg. Their prey managed a shout for help, though. Distraction Faction was proving a Total Success.
****
"Well, the girls are having fun" Said Sarcasm cooly.
"Shall we go?"
"Yeah."
Hopping back into kayaks Faction Ess made their way under the open portculis and into The Castle.
***********
"My Lord. The Powers have arrived as you predicted. The two females you named as scared and softness.."
"Fear and Gentleness you dolt." Said a high, oily, terrifying voice that made you want to buy a chainlock and a rotweiler.
"Yes my Lord. Fear and Gentleness are currently proving... difficult to capture."
"What do you mean difficult?!"
"Well. Um. There are currently twenty of our fully armed guard out there to, um, capture them."
"So what's the problem?"
"Perhaps you ought to have a look my Lord."
The shadowy figure stood, his hood turning his face to darkness. He crossed the floor with a noise like clunk swisshh, clunk swisshh, then stood and observed the commotion on a monitor. After a while he turned the sound up.
"GRRREEEEEEAAAARRRRRRRRRR"
"AAAARGH!!!!"
"eep."
"SSSSSSSSQQQQQQQQQQQQQQEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
He turned the sound down again.
"I see. Send the ninjas."
************
Faction Suicide and Faction Ess had met up after a few amusing minutes of chasing each other down corridors.
Together they searched the castle.
Then they searched it again.
"Fu'in hell. There's nothing bloody here." Muttered Insanity.
Then Sadism's feline ears revolved slightly and she tilted her head. Then she reached up to the top of the corridor and pulled down something making mechanical whirring noises.
"They've been avoiding us with cameras, watching us with cameras. They've been watching us all along." Said Suffering.
They searched the castle again. But this time they destroyed every camera they could find along the way. And after a little while they ran into a frightened looking man peering down the corridor away from them, his hand pressed to his ear trying to maximise the volume of his radio earpiece.
Sadism glanced at Sarcasm, requesting permission. He nodded indulgently. She grinned, stalked up behind him, silent as a cat, and cleared her throat. He jumped and turned, slowly.
"Oh just a few more minutes. He's still holding out, honest!!" Shouted Sadism indignantly
"I'M NOT!! I'M NOT HOLDING OUT!!! PLEASE I'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING!!!" Yelled the luckless prisoner.
"We'll just ask him a few questions, and if he holds back at all you can have him back." said Sarcasm fairly.
"hmph." Sadism kicked at the floor grumpily.
"Okay, prisoner. Where's the Convertrix's secret hideout?"
"Okay! You go up those stairs, left, third right, and at the end of the corridor it looks like a dead end, but it's not, you just have to wave an ID card infront of the sculpture of Our Lord Crucified's eyes."
"He's holding back! He could've told you faster..." Said Sadism disapointedly. Then she turned to the prisoner. "Come on! Be a man! Stand up to him!"
The prisoner looked at her then looked back at Sarcasm.
"Um. Here's my ID card." He said taking the crucifix off his neck and handing it over.
Factions Ess and Suicide stood in front of the blank wall. The crucifix was waved. The eyes glowed blue momentarily, then a mechanised voice from the device said
"tHaNkYoU aCcEsS cOnFiRmEd."
There sat the Convertrix himself, enthroned behind a lectern. As the powers ran forward he held up a hand.
"Not so fast."
He pushed a button on the lectern. The wall behind him opened to reveal Fear and Gentleness in a cage suspended off the floor, the ferret suspended in a smaller cage in that cage with white fluff sticking out of it's mouth. Aimed at them was a huge machine that was quite clearly the terrible conversion ray.
"How did you capture them?!" Cried out Suffering, panic in his eyes.
"Wolfsbane grenade and a rabbit trap (the kind baited with a rabbit as opposed to the kind designed for a rabbit. Obviously.)" Replied the Convertrix in a terrifying and triumphant voice. "Now. I'd like to talk to you about... Jesus." He said, his eyes glowing with malice.
"You won't get away with this, you know" Said Sarcasm, looking even cooler than he's looked yet in this story, which, as you are probably aware is pretty seriously damned cool.
Fear turned at the sound of his voice "Sarcasm?" She said hopefully. Her inner ferret disappeared instantly.
"Now. You will drop all your weapons and artifacts and surrender so we can convert you all with our conversion beam. Or we will Convert the girls." Thundered his terrifying voice.
The powers looked puzzled for a few seconds.
"Hang on. If we don't surrender you'll convert the girls. And if we do surrender you'll convert the girls /and/ us...." Said Recklessness trying to understand.
"Erm. Yes. mwah ha haa?" Replied the Convertrix shakily, realising his Evil Bargain wasn't as persuasive as he'd been planning.
"Oh fu'in' hell!! CHARGE!! JARUM TESTICLES!!" Yelled Insanity, already humming the openings to a selection of man'o'war songs.
"Rrrraaaarrr!!" Yelled Sarcasm, his teeth getting slightly pointier in his rage.
".......!!!"
"I DOOOONT CAAAAAAARE!!!!!"
"This whole battlecry thing is so cliched"
"Kill! Maim! Burn!"
"...............................................!!!!!!!!"
As the Powers charged screaming their battlecries no one noticed the glowing green furbie leap to trip up Insanity. No one noticed him trip, sending the Slightly Faulty Butterfly Knife of Dread flying out of his pocket, and knocking the Conversion Ray a few minute but crucial inches off.
And the Convertrix ran, the Jehovas Witness Ninjas covered his escape with their sharp metal throwing-fish, small exploding firecrackers and pointy crucifixes.
"Are you sure this'll work?" asked Suffering.
"I know more about computer stuff than you." Said Recklessness - a cunning and non-comital answer that nevertheless made the questioner feel stupid for daring to question.
The girls had got free in time to take their personal revenge against the ninjas. Gentleness was pattering happily about the castle howling occasionly, pausing only to elicit screams and the occasional splat from the terrified Jehovas Witnesses.
"Ooookay... that should be set to overload now. We've got about... ten minutes to get out. Suffering. Go find your girlfriend."
And they got out just in time as narrative dictates. And Ralph recovered his knife. And the furby redied in the explosion. And they finished their holiday in Belgium after many more exciting adventures. And YAYE Testicles was mightily pleased with his dark apostles. And when they returned to the house it was filled with saki, beer, absinth, crisps, waffles, and all manner of wondrous things.
