Beautifully pointless little introductory section, for your reading pleasure

Once finished, this will be nothing more than a glorified character list - woohoo! I could do this sort of pointless listing to my heart's content. True, anyone who cares enough to read this will doubtless know all of the characters already...um...so...ah, well - I'm sure Mickey would agree that if you stopped to think about everything you did, you'd never get anything done. So I'd better stop whining and get listing. From memory. And this, my friends, is only the beginning....*Maniacal, thoroughly evil laughter*

Oh - and I feel it only fair to warn you that I make much mention here of events of series 3. If you ain't seen it in full, don't read this. Or at least not the Papa Lazarou entry. Because he came back. Rats, didn't mean to tell you that. Or that he was in disguise, and took more wives, and put them into *stifles own mouth*...just don't read it.

The League of Gentlemen Characters - currently in a random order. Cope with it.

Lone characters

• Hilary Briss - aka The Demon Butcher of Vasey. Briss was the proprietor of Royston Vasey's only butchers' shop, and as such could be said to have wielded a great deal of power - he had access to everyone in the town, including the police and local council. For a while, everything ran smoothly. His illicit trading of a meat known to his few chosen customers as the "Special stuff" went unnoticed for many months, until an epidemic hit the town - the Vaseyites began to suffer from mysterious nosebleeds, which nearly always proved fatal. Hilary's two closest customers (I don't think he ever made any real friends), Maurice Evans and Samuel .....(I'll write in his name when I remember it!) became increasingly panicky, certain that Hilary's meat was behind the deadly disease - until one day, Maurice discovered that his wife Eunice had been cutting the Special Stuff with the paste she used to make her very popular burgers...Hilary fled the country (cue a suspicious bout of nosebleeds in Jamaica), Eunice was locked up in the Clitclink (a female prison, of course) and whether Sam and Maurice survived or not has never been disclosed.
  
  Of course, none of this gives any idea as to what the Special Stuff actually was. Many theories have been offered - "It was beef infected with BSE", "It's human flesh", "It was Hilary's son!" (his shop sign reads "Briss and son", yet his only marriage was to an unnamed cow, and there's been no indication that they ever bred successfully). Since such a cult (practically) has grown up around the mystery, it seems a shame to disperse it, so I'll say only this - on the series 1 DVD (yes, I hear you sighing, I am indeed a geek and sometime fanatic), go into the Special Stuff and look through the images of posters, scraps of notes, etc - there's a list of their original character ideas. It contains their first explanation of what the Special Stuff is.
  Quote: "Fear is the best insurance that money can buy."

• Pauline Campbell-Jones - a restart officer whose enthusiasm was matched only by her cruelty (and her love of pens). The term "worthless dole scum" was her favourite way of addressing the poor blokes on her restart course. When crossed, she tended to become quite violent (shrieking "Eat your words, Ross!" while taking the paper he'd been writing on and forcing it down his throat). Unfortunately for Pauline, Ross turned out to be employed already - by the same company as her. He'd been an undercover agent, as it were, watching her every move and marking down everything she'd done wrong. Which came to quite a long list.
  
  Pauline returned for another restart course the next year, under the misapprehension that she'd be taking the class...Alas, not so. She'd been replaced with thick-spectacled, blood-red lipsticked Cathy Carter-Smith. CC had no sympathy whatsoever, was shocked when Pauline responded to a question on computers by saying that they didn't need them - "They've got pens!". Pauline left her restart course after one session, and was unemployed for a while (lying in bed 'til noon, then getting up and crawling over to the sofa with the sole purpose of flicking herself off to Trisha....nice....) before going to work at the Burger Me restaurant (from which she was fired when she and Mickey, who'd joined her out of sheer loyalty, replaced the mayonnaise on Ross' burger with similarly viscous bodily fluids). The end result was that Pauline took Ross hostage in the job centre, hoping to get her job back (as well as a huuuuge box of pens) as a ransom. This plan failed miserably, and she ended up being sent to the Clitclink (an all-female prison).
  
  Everyone's expectations of both Pauline and Ross were torn asunder when he got her released from prison - on the condition that she dig up the dirt on Mickey (as Ross was convinced that he was nothing more than cheating dole sc.....yes, Ross turned to the dark side. See below for Mickey Michael's entry). After much befriending and betrayal, Pauline married Mickey and Ross came to the wedding. Yes, much of the story has been glossed over here - frankly, it's disturbing. The happy ending is enough. Be satisfied with it (believe you me, when you've seen the first episode of series three, your ideas of what consitutes bad taste will be radically altered).
  Quote: "I'm not talking about the report! I wouldn't wipe my big fat arse on it!"

• Dr/Mr Matthew Chinnery - there appears to be a slight ambiguity about the title of this poor chap. He is indeed a doctor, though of the veterinary sciences. Unfortunately, despite displaying a detailed knowledge of the theory behind it all, he seems unable to go within a hundred yards of an animal without its dying in some horrific manner. This has more recently been put down to a family curse handed down from his great-grandfather Edmund. Luckily, no-one seems to notice his lack of competence, and he is repeatedly asked to treat pets, farm animals, strays...his tears are sincere and frequent, as he is doomed never to escape this terrible cycle.
  
  The fatalities attributed to the gentle doctor include Monica the cow (whose digestive organs he mistakenly removed), a tortoise (who exploded from his shell when Chinnery was over-zealous with an applied stream of oxygen inside its shell), Whisky the dog (a case of mistaken identity - it was Farmer Tinsel's other dog he was supposed to be putting to sleep), two drayman's horses (during his unsuccessful stint in a pub in an attempt to avoid animals), Harvey Denton's pet toad Lady, and a canary with an ulcerated supercilium.
  Quote: "I wonder if you'd take a seat, Mr Tinsel? I have some rather upsetting news..."

• Barbara Dixon - owner of Babs' Cabs, Royston Vasey's taxi service. She's quite easy to spot - her car is bright pink, and she's the only woman in town with a voice deeper than the 'Vasey caverns. Poor Barbara (formerly Bob) has been trying for some time to fulfil her dream of becoming a real woman. She has endured much in the way of bullet-hard nipples, waking up once a month to find her bed like a butcher's slab, and the like...but the final, crucial operation was not a complete success. Dr Mikos, the specialist who was meant to oversee Babs' operation, was involved in a skiing accident and so a last-minute replacement was brought in. Try as he might, Dr Chinnery's attempt with the garden shears was not as successful as it might have been, and left Barbara confused as to what s/he was, anatomically speaking.
  
  Barbara's problems all seemed to be over when, having been abducted by the Tattsyrups (see their entry, below - gosh, Herr Lipp couldn't come up with anything better!), she was persuaded to marry their son, David. But, oh unhappy woman, after one night of bliss, her husband was cruelly stolen away from her when the Local Shop was raized to the ground by angry locals. But it would seem that the night of stolen lust with David was...productive....well, what kind of contraception would YOU use after an unsuccessful operation like that? Somewhat miraculously, Barbara had an uncomplicated pregnancy (punctuated by binges of coal with custard), and gave birth to twins. Awww.
  Quote: "I couldn't go into Dorothy Perkins once me bust started showin'...."

• Pamela Doove - who says she cannot reach for the stars? This young hopeful has long dreamed of becoming an actress. Unfortunately, she has a peculiar mannerism which has always prevented her from attaining her much longed-for success...
  
  Let me put it this way. She once applied to feature in an advert for Greenwoods orange juice. She would play "GIRL OF SHOP" - she would walk into a shop, look around, and ask "Excuse me, has anybody got a bottle of orange juice?" It was part of a montage thing. When auditioning, she persistently walked towards the camera shrieking "HAF ANGYBODDY GODANGY BOKKLE OWANJ DOOVE?". A rather shocked advert producer asked her to speak more clearly, lighten it up - but Pam couldn't see what she was doing wrong. Her rendition of a speech from The Tempest was a spectacle indeed.
  
  Her story ends quite happily, though - she went on to become a much-loved character actress in the juice advert (distinctive for its bemusing lead) and to act as a stand in for the Nazi soldier in the Royston Players' production of The Diary of Anne Frank.
  Quote: (What else?) HAF ANGYBODDY GODANGY BOKKLE OWANJ DOOVE?"

• Papa Lazarou - fans' favourite since February 2002. Where to begin? He's the ringleader in a circus, owner of the eponymous Pandemonium Carnival. He has three diminutive helpers, called Simba, Pebbil and Tiktik. Though he appears to be blacked-up, with white rings around the eyes, this is in fact his real skin tone - he has to apply make-up to attain an appearance of normality. He collects wives, often by pretending to be a humble peg-seller then breaking into their homes and talking gibberish at them until they hand over their wedding ring. Which works surprisingly often.
  
  He is an enigma, basically. He has a book of wives - all of whom he calls "Dave" - some of which have been photographed on polaroid, but some of which must have lived over a century ago...
  
  Upon his first visit to Royston Vasey, he collected some wives, performed his show, then moved on when the audiences noses started bleeding simultaneously. When he returned, it was in the guise of a Mr Keith Drop, a very camp actor. He used the makeup tips he had gleaned from his wives to effect a very convincing transformation. As Keith, he got a volunteer's job at the charity shop. This led to his discovery when the real husband of one of his wives found some of her jewellery among Keith's donations. Lazarou evaded capture, however, and simply imprisoned all of his wives (and anyone who tried to follow him) in his circus animals. Which looked very silly, and was not a very convincing ending for the last series. But what the hey - it was good for a laugh. Almost.
  Quote: "Otum, sprou. Kana, tik bana. Otum no sera smee?"

• Mickey Michaels - the dimmest job-seeker on Pauline's restart course. Poor Mickey always dreamed of being a fireman, and managed to get an interview - but they hadn't covered interview technique yet, so Pauline forbade him to go to his interview and his hopes were crushed. Pauline spent a lot of time drilling it into Mickey's head that he was very, very stupid (a reasonable enough assumption, considering that when spelling "JOB" he could only get as far as the second letter), but later came to rely on him as the only person who liked her. Bless him. Incredibly dim, very scruffy, but awfully sweet-natured.
  Quote:Pauline: "Mickey, what's the capital of France?"
  Mickey "Wine!"

• Les Mcqueen - formerly Les McQueen. He evidently felt that this new name said "star" - which is more than anyone else has. For some years, a young Les McQueen was the number one fan (number one in that there were no others to compete with) of Tony Cluedo's variously named bands. When he agreed to let them play in his garage, it was the least they could do to let him join the troupe. As the years went by and the newly named Creme Brulee failed to hit the bigtime (though they nearly signed to Pickwick in '73, and were in the Eurovision heats the year Bucks Fizz won), the group dissipated and only Les continued to dream of the fame which had so far eluded him. He thought his ship had come in when he found the other members doing a gig in Royston Vasey some years later (they had been unable to find his new address, though he hadn't moved), and was told that with the right funding, the band could reform. Shortly after providing the funding required from his redundancy fee, Les was distressed to find that Cluedo had hopped it with his money. Learning from this bitter experience, he went on to produce his first solo album, "Moods", and to this day hopes that someone will recognise it for the work of artistic genius that it is.
  Quote: "It's a s**t business."

The Dentons

• Harvey Denton - keeper of toads, and guardian of his family home against the humble microbe. Something of a witch¹, his knowledge of toads and toad species extends almost into the maniacal. His household rules are tantamount to divine law - put a shoe out of place in his lobby, and you will be looked upon as scum for the remainder of your stay. He and his wife Val scripted various poems and a song in order that his guests would never find themselves wondering when to wash their hands, or just which coloured towel with which to dry their feet after showering. He also has an unshakeable faith in the powers of aqua vita first thing on a morning - not so much mineral water, as a recycled version of what you had to drink last thing yesterday.
  
  The consistant breaking of his carefully set-out rules has led Harvey to be distrustful of the world at large - particularly the young. He felt compelled to remind his nephew Benjamin every few minutes to restrain himself from indulging in "the pleasures of the palm", resulting in a varied selection of euphemisms for this pastime. These include "shaking hands with the governor of love", "pumping your fist", "shaking hot white coconuts from the veiny love tree", and more, too numerous to expound here.
  
  These peculiar eccentricities can be traced back to when Harvey was a young boy, taunted because of his facial warts - people would point and cry "Here comes Harvey toad-face", or "Quick, hide! Toad-face Denton is coming!" And as Val sadly points out, that was just his own mother and father. He came to feel drawn to that with which he was compared - he has kept toads to this day, and attempts to exert power over all around him. He'll never be mocked again, you mark my words.
  Quote: "If only life were so simple! I would've wished for a self-lowering lavatory seat a long, long time ago..."

• Val Denton - this timid creature tends to follow where her domineering husband leads. Whenever faced with trouble, she looks anxiously to Harvey for guidance, turning her wedding ring nervously as she does so. It is little wonder, really, that she is so tense - while Harvey is arguably quite tyrannical, the twins are even worse...but we'll investigate them in a moment.
  
  This lack of security in her own home led Val to cherish the presence of her nephew Benjamin, who provided a breath of fresh air in the stale household. Although she hardly realised it at first, a while after his leaving, Benjamin's absence became unbearable. Though she didn't know to where he'd gone, she wished upon one of Harvey's latest protrachean acquisitions² for his return - and yea, he did return, albeit rather flustered...
  
  However, Val is not only present as a panic-stricken victim, crying in vain at the futility of her housebound existence - oh, no. She infrequently chairs a "help group" known as Solutions. The next step up from marital guidance, this group of ladies help spurned wives get their revenge by use of a voodoo-style of witchcraft - sometimes with undesirably deadly consequences.
  Quote: I'll put one in when I think of an interesting one....mostly she just shrieks "Harvey!" at any given opportunity...

• Chloë and Radclyffe Denton - the epitomy of terrible twosomes, the twins occasionally strike fear even in the heart of their own mother (whose ability to walk away from you one moment and then turn up behind you the next, they appear to have inherited). In Royston Vasey, they are so alike that it is difficult to tell between them. In Spent, however, Radclyffe was of such strangeness that she was confined to the darkness of her own chamber...
  
  This precocious pair are often to be found blackmailing (telling Benjamin that if he won't play with them, they'll tell their daddy that they found him in his chair, doing something naughty), grassing (stating aloud, in front of their mother and father, that "You wish Daddy had given you a son....as well as daughters," after asking why Val still missed cousin Benjamin), torturing (knowingly leaving Mr. Ward dressed as a scarecrow in Farmer Tinsel's field) and killing (Harvey's poor toads, Sonny and Cher, didn't stand a chance). When questioned by an adult, they simply laugh sweetly and skip away...
  
  When Benjamin laid a trap for the two elder Dentons in order that he might effect an escape, Chloë and Radclyffe somehow took possession of a double-barrelled gun. Though they let Benjamin leave of his own free will, they kept their parents locked in their own amphibarium. What they will do with their new-found freedom remains to be seen...
  Quote: "Mummy, why were you thinking about cousin Benjamin?...you wish Daddy had given you a son. *Pause* As well as daughters."

• Benjamin Denton - Nephew to Harvey and Val (by the name, presumiably the son of Harvey's brother) and cousin to the twins. A media student from London, Benjamin first came to Royston Vasey to meet his friend Martin for a hiking holiday - alas, these plans were shortlived since Martin never showed up (he was, unknown to Benjamin, prevented from entering the town by a pair of local shopkeepers...see the entries for Tubbs and Edward Tattsyrup, below). As a result, Benjamin ended up staying with the family for longer than he'd anticipated. Fervent attempts to leave (or escape) were thwarted with plans such as "Everyone must babysit at least once on their visit!" and punishment for the death of Harvey's two prize toads. Eventually, the pressure of living in this perfectly ordered yet oddly maniacal household caused Benjamin to put his foot down - upon some freshly laundered towels - and leave.
  
  Alas, this did not mark the end of Benjamin's stay in 'Vasey. Owing to a misunderstanding with the local taxi-driver, Barbara (who had taken Benjamin's request for her to "take him to London" a little too...er...sexually) he was abandoned on the outskirts of the town - near a small local shop. In Spent, he simply returned to the Denton household with a severe cold, but in Royston Vasey he was taken prisoner and forced to wear a grass skirt and coconuts for the entertainment of the Tattsyrups' son, David. However, as a result of Val's wishing upon a magical toad, he returned to Toad Hall (the Denton residence) in a state of some disarray. After many more weeks and the discovery of Harvey's plot to keep him in his amphibarium as some sort of pet, Benjamin fled - we can only hope for good...
  Quote: "I'm sorry Barbara. You're a lovely....uh....."

The Hulls

• Charlie Hull - Always wears the same old football shirt and jeans, has a tatty black moustache and a tattoo of a swallow on his neck. He's a long-suffering chap, most of which suffering is caused by his wife Stella, whose constant cracks about Charlie's sexual inadequacy frequently drove him to threaten divorce. Charlie took up linedancing for a while, hoping that a common interest would bridge their broken marriage, but while he adored it, Stella was only bored. For a while Charlie had a recurring nightmare in which Stella took her revenge by having an occult group perform a voodoo-based spell on him during the linedancing final, causing him to lose. He confessed this to Rev. Bernice Woodhall, who told him it was probably the result of a cheese-dream (a dream brought about by eating cheese). But when she asked him if, deep down, he really loved his wife, Charlie thought for a moment before coldly replying "No".
  
  Their arguments often led to tears, but for all that they apparently loathed one another, they never got to the point of actually separating. That is, they didn't for a long time...
  
  Charlie put up with a lot from Stella, including her wasteful gambling addiction and numerous affaires. Eventually, however, he found a form of temporary escape by way of a job at Royston Vasey's new massage parlour, working for Judee Levinson (see above, when I've written her entry). The arrangement was that Charlie would massage the blokes who came to the salon, while Judee's voice would play on a cassette - the men would think it was Judee giving the massages, while she was actually in another room toying with the till. This all led to a bit of a to-do. Judee had a crush on Charlie, but he insisted that he was married and would have nothing to do with her beyond work. One day, however, Tony (Stella's favourite toyboy) came in for a massage. Upon the request of various customers, Charlie had become accustomed to providing various "extra services" for his rather excited clients (for the sake of disgression, I shall simply say that he was often called upon to place his hands below the towel). While Charlie was hesitant at first, he was quite impressed by Tony's...manly qualities...and found himself in the uncomfortable situation of fancying the man with whom his wife was having an affaire. Tony, meanwhile, enjoyed the massages so much that he came to fancy Judee (whose delicate hands he thought he'd been enjoying all this time).
  
  The thing came to a head when the three went out for dinner at Luigi's (not insignificantly, the restaurant where Charlie and Judee were wont to dine), and Charlie got upset and made a pass at Tony. Tony threw Charlie, now sobbing, to the floor, and Judee made an unpleasant remark about his sexuality before kicking him and storming out. Stella turned up, proclaiming that she'd won the jackpot and was moving abroad - alone. Charlie's fate was an unfortunate one, compounded by his later abduction by Papa Lazarou (above).
  Quote: (To Stella) "Shut up, you b*st*rd!"

The Tattsyrups

• Edward Tattsyrup - Tail³. Proprietor of the Local Shop on the outskirts of Royston Vasey. Situated besides a dirt track (the only route into the town other than rail), the shop sees few customers enter its door - and even fewer leave. Edward is in no small way responsible for this. His belief that a "local shop" should sell only "local" things to "local" people has resulted in the demise of many an unsuspecting outsider who dared to touch the precious things of the shop (thus named by Tubbs (below), the Precious Things would appear to be a cluster of snowdomes kept on the counter).
  
  Some construction workers once tried to build a road across the land where the shop was situated but a few ritual burnings soon put paid to that idea. So Edward thought...(See David Tattsyrup (below))
  
  Yet it would appear that there are things about Edward which have been kept hidden even from us, the omnipresent viewer. For it would seem that Edward, despite his fervour for killing off non-locals, is himself not local⁴. So what's going on? Is Edward a vile pretender to his title of "Local" Shop Owner? Was it his shame at his own unlocalness which turned him into the maniacal serial killer we know and love? Or has some higher authority deemed him unlocal, disgusted by his lack of tolerance towards those from the outside? Will we ever know? Were we meant to know? Who knows. I don't. Do you?
  Quote: "You cannot trust this boy! His mind has been warped by colours, sounds and shapes!"

• Tulip "Tubbs" Tattsyrup - Wife (and sister) of Edward (yes, eurgh), mother of the once estranged David, Tubbs has a far sweeter temperament than her fellow shop owner. Though this may somehow be linked with her having a far lower IQ, bless her. When she runs out of numbers she always resorts to "twelvety" - meaning that when it comes to stocktaking, they appear never to have sold a thing.
  
  For many years, Tubbs lived in fear of strangers and believed what Edward told her of the outside world - that there wasn't one. When a stranger came to the shop one day bearing a map, Tubbs accosted Edward with it shrieking "You lied to me! There is a Swansea!". Edward retorted that he had only been protecting her, keeping her mind good and pure and local. For some time following this, Tubbs rejected Edward's ideas and decided to move to Lun-dun (another exciting new place on the map) with David. But this plan was ill-fated, and she eventually decided to remain true to her roots and remain in Royston Vasey with her husband and son. As David was by now a young man...if man is the word (see below)...she and Edward set about finding him a bride. Alas, on their very wedding night the Local Shop was burnt to the ground with its three unhappy inhabitants still inside (David's new wife escaped - see Barbara Dixon's entry, above).
  
  Much to the relief of the League's fans, Tubbs and Edward made a Lazarus-like return at the start of the third season. A hand rose from the rubble clutching one of their precious things....the pair set off for Lun-dun, gleaning directions from a souvenir snowglobe. Unfortunately, since Tubbs was not too well acquainted with transport systems, she failed to realise that the road they were following, which was marked with lines and lines and lines, was in fact a railway line, and that there was a train fast approaching from behind...their long-awaited return lasted under a minute. Poor things.
  Quote: (To a construction worker coming in to tell them about the New Road) "Is that a crown you wear?"

• David Tattsyrup - As the product of an incestuous marriage, one might expect David to be...not quite normal. Bit of an understatement. When he first returned to 'Vasey from London, his mother failed to recognise him. When confronted with the difficult truth, her face lit up as she opened her blouse to reveal a T-shirt bearing the legend "My son went to London, and all I got was this T-shirt!". Edward was less delighted than she. He was even less pleased when David revealed that he had become a construction worker involved in road-building...He claimed that he was trying to get closer to his parents by demolishing the shop to build a road, but as Edward was unsympathetic to this idea, decided to leave Royston Vasey and take Tubbs with him back to London (where she hoped to shop in Harvey Nicks and see Les Mis). After a short word in his ear, though, Edward managed to persuade David to stay "local". While Tubbs and Edward's "localness" seems to manifest itself as an upward tilt in the nose, David became (as Mark Gatiss, the tall Gentleman, put it) the Sugarpuff monster. Tubbs was upset at first, but soon got used to the idea and had lots of fun trying to find a suitable no-tail for David to wed. Though an unconventional bride, Barbara was quite happy with her new husband until he was trapped inside the burning local shop as a confused lynch-mob set fire to what they thought was the source of an odd nose-bleed epidemic (see Hilary Briss, above).
  Quote: *Animalistic roar*