Actors

Appearance: Expensively maintained. Actors never get dirty or dishevelled or old. Not even if their part requires that they should.

Sex: Actors may be male or female.

Drink: Wine.
Expensive Wine.

Description:

Each Actor knows that they are the most important person in any production. They do not need to learn lines, blocking or cues since they know that it is enough for them to appear on stage and the production will be successful. This is regardless of the size or importance of their part. They will acknowledge that their presence at rehearsals is also necessary, if only to keep The Director quiet.

Actors seldom know the names of all of the rest of the cast, might recognise The SM and The Director and are not even aware that either Techies or Producers exist.

Stage Managers

Appearance: SMs wear black, a lot.

Sex: Female. All SMs are female. Any male SMs you may meet are mythological and therefore not real.

Drink: Very rarely have time to drink.

Description:

SM's are normally stressed. This is because they are normally the only person on the production to realise that;

are required.

SM's also often design sets they have no time to build and list props they cannot find. Cunning SMs make friends with The Techie who will do anything for them, since all Techies are male (see Techies). The natural inertia of any Techie is compensated for by a desire to please the SM.

SM's suffer the indignity of being hugely underestimated by everyone else in the production, including the Techies.

Techies

Appearance: Wear black all the time.

Sex: Male. All Techies are male. Any female Techies you see are a product of your over-excited imagination.

Drink: 80/-

Description:

There are two sub-species of Techie. The sound boys and the lampies. Working in harmony, most of the time, whilst all Techies can rig lanterns and run sound desks only the sound boys can set levels correctly and only lampies can program lighting desks. Any Techie who can do both sound and lighting well is nearly a god.

All Techies are sworn enemies of Musos (see Musos). Contrary to poplar belief Techies are not sworn enemies of Actors, who are merely under-evolved life-forms not worthy of notice.

Techies are inherently lazy, yet fail to realise that they don't get jobs done on time, because they don't start the jobs until the deadline.

Techies are apt to confuse themselves with God and as such don't listen to anyone else involved with the production.

Producers

Appearance: Calm and Serene. Do not be fooled. This exterior conceals mounting hysteria and panic. They are liable to snap if pushed too far.

Sex: If they can get it.

Drink: Large amounts of sponsor's drink.

Description:

Producers are strange shady characters, sometimes only ever seen by The Director. They deal with funds and publicity and consequently you won't get re-imbursed for expenses until at least six months after the production, and that only if you're lucky. Also posters will only go up the day before the show and programmes appear five minutes before the show goes up.

What Producers do in the rest of the time before a production is completed is a complete mystery. Whatever it is they get very stressed about it.

Musos

Appearance: "Artistic"

Sex: Difficult to tell.

Drinks: First to the bar after the interval and the show (they even get there before The Audience). If you can't find the Musos five minutes before the show goes up, look in the bar.

Description:

As stated before (see Techies), Musos and Techies are mortal enemies, largely due to differences over sound equipment.

Every Muso knows that Techies know nothing about sound and therefore the Musos should be allowed to set up the sound desk without interference from The Techies.The Techies should make sure that the Musos have light.

Every Techie knows that Musos know nothing about sound and as such should not be allowed near the sound desk and should know their music by heart so that they can play in a blackout.

These differences will never be resolved.

Directors

Appearance: Depends on which species the Director is descended from. (see Description)

Sex: Indeterminate.

Drinks: (see Appearance) Large quantities of preferred drink.

Description:

Directors evolve, or possibly devolve, from other theatre species. Hence there are Actor-Directors, SM-Directors, Techie-Directors, Producer-Directors and so on. Essentially they are all the same, they just look different.

Directors believe that they are in charge of the production. They are wrong. Everyone else knows that they just get in the way. They distract actors by telling them where to be; they annoy SM's by changing the blocking and the set every five minutes; they offend Techies by telling them what to do and expecting it done on time; they hinder Producers by designing the poster themselves but not distributing it.

In summary, Directors are there to prevent everyone else doing their job properly.

Mook

A term used for both derogatory and complementary purposes. As in "This show was powered by Mooks" implying the correct amount of awe and admiration. Unlike "My Actors are a bunch of Mooks" which suggests the reverse.

A Mook is competent, efficient, organised and works hard. A Mook may be found in any theatre species:-

Mook Actors remember their lines (in the right order), their cues and their blocking.

Mook SM's build set well and on time.

Mook Techies are not surly and also rig and focus in time for the tech run.

Mook Producers you never see these, but you do see posters appear a week before the show and you get to proof read the programme.

Mook Musos stay sober and in tune. Can play in the dark.

Mook Directors don't get in anybody's way, respect all members of the production and generally look after people.

Mooks never get stressed as they know that they'll get their job done in time.

Mooks even drink in an efficient, organised and workmanlike fashion.

Masters

As in "Mook of all trades and Master of none."

Appearance: Ready for all occasions.

Sex: Male or Female.

Drink: Masters are unique in that they actually buy drinks for others.

Description:

Displaying all the best qualities of Mooks(see Mook), Masters are even more useful by being able to do any species job competently.

You can tell a Mook exactly what to do and it will be done, well and on time. A Master will do the job before you've asked and go on to do several you'd forgotten about before you even needed the first to be ready.

Masters, whilst being heroic in a classical sense, are quiet, unassuming, modest types. They are a pleasure to get drunk with and will carry you home afterwards.

Writers

Appearance: Agonised

Sex: Who knows? Who cares? After all they all use pseudonyms.

Drinks: Lots.

Description:

The very best kind of Writer is a Dead Writer. Preferably one that has been dead for over seventy-five years. That way not only can they not complain when you improve on their crummy little play by cutting, rearranging and rewriting it, but you don’t have to pay them for the privilege.

The very worst type of Writer is a Writer-Director (see Directors). Avoid them at all costs. If you do end up working with one, never criticise them or offer suggestions. It is just not worth the artistic tantrum that will ensue.

Writer’s live in perpetual fear of being misinterpreted, however they long to be misunderstood and complex. This paradox goes along way to explaining their fragile egos and tendency to sulk.

Comedians

Appearance: Smaller than they appear on stage.

Sex: Most Comedians are male.

Drinks: Vast quantities of vodka

Description:

Comedians are a highly evolved form of Actor (see Actors). As such they have even bigger egos and even less respect for anyone that isn’t them. In fact Comedians are often not aware of other people at all, except as Audience.

Like Actors and dogs, Comedians need frequent praise and constant attention. Under no circumstances can they cope if anyone else gets more attention than themselves. The easiest way to annoy or upset a Comedian is to ignore him.

Comedians never, ever stop performing. This means that they are amusing to drink with. However do not expect a conversation. You will be able to listen and be appreciative. You will not be able to get a word in edgeways.

Critics

Appearance: They'd like to think they are unobtrusive.

Sex: Male - morally justified and absolutely right.
Female - morally justified and bitchy.

Drinks: Never bother to buy a drink for a critic. It won't work. They still won't write a nice review.

Description:

Critics have a reputation to live up to, so it should surprise no-one that they do. Nobody likes a Critic because they are arrogant, bitchy, noisy, personally insulting know-alls who've seen it all before and who never buy you drinks.

Critics always sit in the middle of the front row and the noise of their scribbling can be heard clearly anywhere in the auditorium.

Critics may be discerned from Audience (see Audience) by their inability to ever enjoy a show.

Any Critic who gives a favourable review is not a Critic at all, but a brown-nosing guttersnipe who is clearly after something.

Audience

Appearance: Motley and disreputable.

Sex: Hermaphrodite.

Drinks: Generously. Before, after and during the show.

Description:

Audiences have two possible reactions to the show. They either:-

a) Loved it.

b) Hated it.

It will either be the best or the worst show they have ever seen.

Audience are distinguishable from Critics (see Critics) as they have no critical faculties.

Nobody respects the Audience because if they give reaction
a) they are unintelligent, uncultured and couldn't possibly have understood the deeper meanings of the piece. If they give reaction b) then they are uncivilised, uncultured and didn't understand the deeper meanings of the piece.
In addition to this the Audience will talk constantly, laugh in all the wrong places and chew sweets noisily.

The Audience should be respected because they do at least pay to see the show. Also if properly charmed afterwards they can be a good source of free alcohol.