Avoiding Gravity - Tips for beginners
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
Your first experiences in throwing yourself out of a first floor window in the expectation that you will instantly succeed in repeating Arthur's experiences in Islington and hence impress the girl you are desparate to ... (well, we'll not go into that shall we), may not have been as successful as you had hoped. Don't dispare! As soon as your superficial wounds (cuts, large black bruises, ego deflation) have healed, and the leg plasters have come off of course, get right back on the balacony and try again using the following useful tips to hasten you admission to the ranks of our exclusive Frequent Flyers club for Newtonian-Avoidance Travellers (NATS to you).
1. Have a friend place a particularly embarrassing reminder of a past drinking exercise in a tree branch you will pass on your way down. Typical examples are the Traffic Cone you suggested to the policeman would look much more with it than the hat he was wearing, the lavatory seat you mistook for a life belt which you threw to him after the unfortunate scuffle by the Seprentine, or the Judges Wig you absconded with as you leapt through the court window.
As your mind relives the experience you may find that gravity is so completely disgusted by your adolescent behaviour that it refused to associate with you until you grow up.
2. Time your jump to coincide with a tea party in the garden below where you Mother has just started to show your girl friend those delightful photographs of you potty training as a baby.
Gravity may take pity on you and quietly look away as you slink behind a nearby cloud.
3. Have your bank manager ring you on your amazing new internet-ready mobile phone with 9999 memory address book at the moment of jumping to discuss the small discrepency between your current earnings and the similarity of your most recent drinks bill to the gross national earnings of a successful industrial world power (aka the USA).
The amount of brain power you will consume in coming up with a plausible reason on why he should extend you overdraft to cover a liability not disimiliar to the budget for a successful Hollywood megaflop will completely distract you from the issue of hitting the ground. Be careful however to ensure that your bank manager will not actually agree to forfeiting the bank profits for the next 20 years on you behalf - the elation you will feel is likely to make it impossible for you to land in time for opening hours.
Further reading ...
- 101 ways to heal broken bones with toothpicks
So long Douglas - I look forward to reading your next book in a future afterlife.
1. Have a friend place a particularly embarrassing reminder of a past drinking exercise in a tree branch you will pass on your way down. Typical examples are the Traffic Cone you suggested to the policeman would look much more with it than the hat he was wearing, the lavatory seat you mistook for a life belt which you threw to him after the unfortunate scuffle by the Seprentine, or the Judges Wig you absconded with as you leapt through the court window.
As your mind relives the experience you may find that gravity is so completely disgusted by your adolescent behaviour that it refused to associate with you until you grow up.
2. Time your jump to coincide with a tea party in the garden below where you Mother has just started to show your girl friend those delightful photographs of you potty training as a baby.
Gravity may take pity on you and quietly look away as you slink behind a nearby cloud.
3. Have your bank manager ring you on your amazing new internet-ready mobile phone with 9999 memory address book at the moment of jumping to discuss the small discrepency between your current earnings and the similarity of your most recent drinks bill to the gross national earnings of a successful industrial world power (aka the USA).
The amount of brain power you will consume in coming up with a plausible reason on why he should extend you overdraft to cover a liability not disimiliar to the budget for a successful Hollywood megaflop will completely distract you from the issue of hitting the ground. Be careful however to ensure that your bank manager will not actually agree to forfeiting the bank profits for the next 20 years on you behalf - the elation you will feel is likely to make it impossible for you to land in time for opening hours.
Further reading ...
- 101 ways to heal broken bones with toothpicks
So long Douglas - I look forward to reading your next book in a future afterlife.
