Bizarroville - Real People from Real Towns
Created | Updated Sep 3, 2005
Throughout life, there is at least one unique person who you will meet and that you’ll never find anywhere else. Of course, it just so happens that all of those strange, odd, and “unique” people all happen to live in my neighborhood – Bizarroville. This is not the same Bizarroville that you might find in movies; it’s not so bizarre that the people are green with a million eyes and large tentacles. These people living in my neighborhood are human... physically, anyway. Judging by their strangeness, you have to wonder sometimes whether they are actually part of our society or not.
We’ll start with the common people first: the car people. These people love to sit in their cars doing most bizarre and sometimes scary things, and all you can do is wish that either their car would blow up with them inside, or wish they’d just drive away. While walking around with my aunt, a car suddenly pulls up along the side of the road. Apparently, according to the person inside the vehicle, my aunt was not properly dressed for the occasion. Officer, may I see your Fashion Police Badge? Is it really any of your business what people besides you are wearing?
Of course, sometimes when you are being watched by strange car people, you may be lucky enough to not have to listen to their senseless talk and instead be blessed with silence – though a death stare by some stranger in a car without any comments is just as disturbing. This brings me to two other car people, both of which were seen in the same area spotted within less than 5 minutes. Both were sitting in their cars, not really doing anything except watching everyone that walked by. Were they other members of the Fashion Police who were sitting on patrol, intent on stopping anyone who wasn’t wearing what they thought was appropriate for a walk around town? Whatever they were doing, they sat there... and sat... and sat...
Some people don’t just like to stare from inside their car, but stare at their car for 10 minutes. Yes, just recently I found another car person who found entertainment be staring at his car. It would be one thing if he was cleaning it or looking for dents or something, but this guy was really into that car. Maybe it was new? No, I’ve seen it before. Seeing as he was so interested in watching his car, I decided to try staring at the car too, in order to see how much fun it really was. Um, no, I don’t see the action-packed excitement of watching a parked car.
Some people may not only love their cars so much as to stare at it, but to create a catchy song about it too. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the result of car infatuations: the “A Honda!” song. Yes, once again I was walking with my aunt, in which we walked down the street of the staring car person, when suddenly another person was getting into his car, which was apparently “a Honda!” While he was getting into “a Honda,” he began repeating the phrase, “A Honda, a Honda! A Honda, a Honda!” over and over again with a most catchy tune. A real toe-tapper, if I say so myself!
Sometimes you’ll also see the porch people. The porch people, like the car people, enjoy selecting a certain spot – usually a porch, hence the name – to be bizarre on. Common porch people features are that they are usually girls with blonde hair and over-indulgence of pink. The first group of porch people that I have had reports of was a pair of two girls who were on their porch. Dancing. Badly. Dancing to the “A Honda!” song...? Now even though it was dark and at night, you could tell by watching the girls dance that they were white. This was a dance that would make Napoleon Dynamite look like the next Elvis Presley. I’d rather stare at some random guy’s car with a car person for 10 minutes than watch them!
Then again, some porch people are just really jealous. While my aunt and I were walking, we came across a porch person’s house. This porch person had her door wide open, staring at us like a car person. We figures she was jealous that she wasn’t as fashionable as my aunt was or something, but we never knew what was up with her. How bizarre! Eventually she went inside, but kept her door wide open so she could watch us still. All in all, stay away from porch people – or just porches in general.
Another group is the rare person. People who are in this category aren’t bizarre or strange, they’re just very rare to come by. While taking a walk recently, I came across a house where a person stood. A porch person? No, he was either a very young kid who was dressed like a very old man, or he was a midget. I’m sure it was a midget, seeing as very young kids do not usually wear black overcoats on a warm afternoon. Maybe there was a special occasion? I doubt it, seeing as the kids parents weren’t outside, and how many parents let their very well-dressed 7 year-olds outside in the very dirty and muddy yard? Not many.
Our last group is the spazzerolla group. These bizarre people are somehow more spazzed out than spazz’s having a spasm. Just recently, I was walking to a store alone when there was some random kid on the other side of the road. This kid obviously wanted to cross the street, so he looked both ways while steering clear of scary car people like every good kid should. No cars on the road. No cars in the area at all... you could sunbathe in the road without fear of getting squished. Nevertheless, this kid insists on running at full speed across the street... and what a terrible runner too! His arms were flailing all over the place as if he was trying to ward off a nasty swarm of wasps, legs kicking as if he was trying to escape from quicksand. He almost looked as bad as the dancing porch people, but not quite as bad. Eventually he made it to the other side of the road without getting squished. Good for him!
Our last bizarre spazzerolla is one of the most bizarre people in Bizarroville. While walking with my aunt, we came across an elderly man that was mowing his lawn. As we were walking, we were also talking to each other. For some reason, this old guy decided that he wanted to hear the conversation too, so he turned of the lawn mower.
“I just wanted to hear what you two were saying,” he said to us. When we asked why, he answered, “Well you two love birds are going to get married, aren’t you?” And that’s when we told him how we were already related to each other. “Well that’s not right for people already related to be married!” he answered. We never walk down that street anymore...
Speaking of creepy old people, there has been a recent report on the strange growling man. Any pedestrians pedestrianing near Philadelphia Race Track should be warned of a strange old man who feels the need to growl at complete strangers. While I was walking with one of my friends around the area, we were brought to the attention of the crazy man. With a head tilted back and one eye closed, he let a throaty wail/groan/growl at us. Creepy!
And there you have it. The strange town of Bizarroville! Now aren’t you glad that no matter how weird people you’ve met are, you always no that things could be worse – that there’s always someone even more bizarre and deranged out in the world than with you? Until the next bizarre report, see ya!
We’ll start with the common people first: the car people. These people love to sit in their cars doing most bizarre and sometimes scary things, and all you can do is wish that either their car would blow up with them inside, or wish they’d just drive away. While walking around with my aunt, a car suddenly pulls up along the side of the road. Apparently, according to the person inside the vehicle, my aunt was not properly dressed for the occasion. Officer, may I see your Fashion Police Badge? Is it really any of your business what people besides you are wearing?
Of course, sometimes when you are being watched by strange car people, you may be lucky enough to not have to listen to their senseless talk and instead be blessed with silence – though a death stare by some stranger in a car without any comments is just as disturbing. This brings me to two other car people, both of which were seen in the same area spotted within less than 5 minutes. Both were sitting in their cars, not really doing anything except watching everyone that walked by. Were they other members of the Fashion Police who were sitting on patrol, intent on stopping anyone who wasn’t wearing what they thought was appropriate for a walk around town? Whatever they were doing, they sat there... and sat... and sat...
Some people don’t just like to stare from inside their car, but stare at their car for 10 minutes. Yes, just recently I found another car person who found entertainment be staring at his car. It would be one thing if he was cleaning it or looking for dents or something, but this guy was really into that car. Maybe it was new? No, I’ve seen it before. Seeing as he was so interested in watching his car, I decided to try staring at the car too, in order to see how much fun it really was. Um, no, I don’t see the action-packed excitement of watching a parked car.
Some people may not only love their cars so much as to stare at it, but to create a catchy song about it too. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the result of car infatuations: the “A Honda!” song. Yes, once again I was walking with my aunt, in which we walked down the street of the staring car person, when suddenly another person was getting into his car, which was apparently “a Honda!” While he was getting into “a Honda,” he began repeating the phrase, “A Honda, a Honda! A Honda, a Honda!” over and over again with a most catchy tune. A real toe-tapper, if I say so myself!
Sometimes you’ll also see the porch people. The porch people, like the car people, enjoy selecting a certain spot – usually a porch, hence the name – to be bizarre on. Common porch people features are that they are usually girls with blonde hair and over-indulgence of pink. The first group of porch people that I have had reports of was a pair of two girls who were on their porch. Dancing. Badly. Dancing to the “A Honda!” song...? Now even though it was dark and at night, you could tell by watching the girls dance that they were white. This was a dance that would make Napoleon Dynamite look like the next Elvis Presley. I’d rather stare at some random guy’s car with a car person for 10 minutes than watch them!
Then again, some porch people are just really jealous. While my aunt and I were walking, we came across a porch person’s house. This porch person had her door wide open, staring at us like a car person. We figures she was jealous that she wasn’t as fashionable as my aunt was or something, but we never knew what was up with her. How bizarre! Eventually she went inside, but kept her door wide open so she could watch us still. All in all, stay away from porch people – or just porches in general.
Another group is the rare person. People who are in this category aren’t bizarre or strange, they’re just very rare to come by. While taking a walk recently, I came across a house where a person stood. A porch person? No, he was either a very young kid who was dressed like a very old man, or he was a midget. I’m sure it was a midget, seeing as very young kids do not usually wear black overcoats on a warm afternoon. Maybe there was a special occasion? I doubt it, seeing as the kids parents weren’t outside, and how many parents let their very well-dressed 7 year-olds outside in the very dirty and muddy yard? Not many.
Our last group is the spazzerolla group. These bizarre people are somehow more spazzed out than spazz’s having a spasm. Just recently, I was walking to a store alone when there was some random kid on the other side of the road. This kid obviously wanted to cross the street, so he looked both ways while steering clear of scary car people like every good kid should. No cars on the road. No cars in the area at all... you could sunbathe in the road without fear of getting squished. Nevertheless, this kid insists on running at full speed across the street... and what a terrible runner too! His arms were flailing all over the place as if he was trying to ward off a nasty swarm of wasps, legs kicking as if he was trying to escape from quicksand. He almost looked as bad as the dancing porch people, but not quite as bad. Eventually he made it to the other side of the road without getting squished. Good for him!
Our last bizarre spazzerolla is one of the most bizarre people in Bizarroville. While walking with my aunt, we came across an elderly man that was mowing his lawn. As we were walking, we were also talking to each other. For some reason, this old guy decided that he wanted to hear the conversation too, so he turned of the lawn mower.
“I just wanted to hear what you two were saying,” he said to us. When we asked why, he answered, “Well you two love birds are going to get married, aren’t you?” And that’s when we told him how we were already related to each other. “Well that’s not right for people already related to be married!” he answered. We never walk down that street anymore...
Speaking of creepy old people, there has been a recent report on the strange growling man. Any pedestrians pedestrianing near Philadelphia Race Track should be warned of a strange old man who feels the need to growl at complete strangers. While I was walking with one of my friends around the area, we were brought to the attention of the crazy man. With a head tilted back and one eye closed, he let a throaty wail/groan/growl at us. Creepy!
And there you have it. The strange town of Bizarroville! Now aren’t you glad that no matter how weird people you’ve met are, you always no that things could be worse – that there’s always someone even more bizarre and deranged out in the world than with you? Until the next bizarre report, see ya!
