SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER! THESE ARE THE PAGES OF A MAD MAN WITH A PROLONGED GRUDGE TOWARDS SOCIETY, HIS CONTINUING MISSION TO EXPOSE STRANGE NEW PHENOMENA, SEEK OUT WEIRD LIVES AND PEOPLE. TO BOLDLY REVEAL WHAT NO ONE HAS REVEALED BEFORE

Blue monkeys are very mischievous, but purple spotted chimpanzees are sweet and caring. This is a step by step guide to why these two sorts of primates should act in these completely opposite ways.

Many studies have been made, the first hypothesis was formulated by Professor Frank Johnson and it stated that the monkeys were mischievous because their blue coat attracted the green-winged mosquito. So the only way they could get away from this pest was to run around like a crazed camel knocking over pots, pans and any valuable vases in their vicinity. (It is well known that cheap and badly made vases are safe from all kinds of mishaps.) This destructive nature that the monkeys have evolved to keep them from getting bitten causes them great embarrassment so they have learnt to disguise this by acting mischievous and pretending they meant to knock the £2,000,000 vase over.

However, the purple spotted chimps do not have to contend with this insect and so they don't cause any breakage's and so don't have to cover anything up.

This theory is total balls. The green-winged mosquito is a fake, a plastic flay on a string hung in front of a rather stupid professor who can't tell the difference between a monkey and a man in a suit. (He still insists that it was a monkey who told him this theory over a cup of PG Tips.)

The real reason for this difference in behaviour is still being sort after but a promising theory has come to light and it sounds a little something like this.

The Blue monkey is in fact a stupid creature who does not really understand much about the world. The purple spotted chimp, being an altogether more intelligent being, has realised that it can trick the monkey into standing by an expensive vase. The chimp will than walk over behind the sofa and, with a pea shooter, break the vase. This seems pointless in itself but then, of course, the owner of the vase returns, sees the (apparently) evil monkey near a broken vase and an (apparently) sweet chimp on the couch looking shocked and chewing it's feet.

This theory needs a little more thought so it can over come such problems as;

If all these questions are answered then this could well be a life saving theory and this problem will be solved.

HELPFUL HINT

If you want to meet a gorilla, wear an orange raincoat and giant galoshes over a Turkish carpet worn as a toga. This should attract angry males and females on heat. However, do not mate with the females as a nasty rash can develop. I have this on great authority from the king of monkeys himself, his Royal Highness the prince of Persia.

People have been naming cars since the dawn of time, or at least since they bought one. What I want to know is WHY? Cars don't have minds of their own. They will not start performing any better just because it was christened "Michel Jackson" or "Hot Rod-ney". I have, myself experienced this wired phenomenon, with cars such as "Sarah", "Indie" and "PIP". These last two are carefully thought out names, Indie was named as such because he was a "Ford Capri" (one with an abnormally large nose) and therefore quite an adventurous exploring type car. She was there for named after "Indiana Jones."

"PIP" was named simply because she had "SAE" as the last three letters of her number plate. "PIP" was chosen, therefore, because "SAE" being known in some circles to mean Stamped Addressed Envelope logically asked for the car to become "Postage Is Paid".

This doesn't solve the problem however of why these cars are named. However, my own theory does solve it. I believe that people name their cars because they want to feel something for it, as if it is part of the family. Why is this? you ask. It is because when they have an accident, there fault or otherwise, they will want to get really angry with the other driver for being so careless. And most people find it easier to get angry over things they love , such as a member of the family.

This of course is true because it is MY theory and I am always right. If anyone questions my theory I will ban them from telling people about it! HA!

HELPFUL HINT

If you want to get your car whiter than white, firstly your a loony and secondly use "DAZ" it gets your whites whiter, it does. If you don't believe me then try it yourself. Go on give it a bash.

This intreasting problem has caused much unrest in the world in genral, causing many people to have heart attack or atleast a rather painful stitch! The thing is that the deed is not the exciting phenomenen here it is its amazing ability to crop up everytime without exception. The thing is this... its everyones ability to forget something really important (this in itself is boring!) but then everyone will remember they do not have the item before they need it but when it is still to late to go back to collect it.

For example, if you are going to town on the bus, you are standing happily at the bus stop and just as you see the bus come down your road bout 30 seconds away, you remember you have not got your bus pass and have no change! or, an even more annoying and well documented account, when youa re driivng down to dover to egt the ferry, you get a little ova half way, possibly a bit behind time but aslong as you keep going you'll make it before the ferry leaves. Then guess what! you remember that your passport is sitting on your dresser wateing to be picked up... its too late to go back and get it... but you can't get on the ferry without it! what a mess!

Many scientists have wonder about this, and some in depth research into the workings of the mind and memory curcuits has been made yet to no avail. I will keep you informed on there progress, so watch this space!

HELPFUL HINT

To avoid this mess, simply make a list of all the things you need to take atleast 3 days before you go and tick off everything as you put it int he car and suicases etc. The main problems are either forgetting to put things on the list, which is why you should do it some time before you have to leave OR if you are a forgetful person... forgetting where you put the list.