Pies are smallish flattened cylinders consisiting of a short-crust pastry case embracing a
wholesome meaty filling. Pies without a meat filling are not pies; such travesties are called quiches
and should be spurned for the evil they are. Pies can be served warm or cold (or somewhere in
between according to taste). All that is required is that the meat within is cooked to prevent food
poisoning and unpleasantness of the bowels. Pies are an inexpensive and fun way to eat, providing
energy and protein for growth and a range of physical activities. Many pies contain a nourishing and
sensuous fatty jelly between the filling and crust, perfect for high northern and deep southern
latitudes where a good layer of fat is essential for protection from the cold.

Although a pie must
contain meat under international law (favourites include pork, steak, kidneys and mutton) many
contain herbs. Although herbs are really a type of plant and are technically inedible, herbs forsake
an interesting appearance in favour of a beguiling scent or appealing flavour. Advanced pies may
contain vegetables to provide 'dietary' fibre for the more 'health'-conscious consumer; this is
acceptable providing the flavour of the meat is uncompromised.

Many pie-selling establishments
choose to enhance the meat by soaking or cooking it in ale or wine. Whilst clearly a fine idea, it is
essential that this is not the pie-eaters sole source of alcohol. Ale and wine must be consumed
seperately to achieve fulfilment - there is not enough in the pie alone. Pints make an excellent
accompaniment to pies, especially those served warm,

PIE FAQ:

Q: My pie contains something called 'mycoprotein' and is alleged to be 'vegetarian'. What's this all about?

A: Mycoprotein is an amorphous and unsavoury substance derived from the homogenisation of genetically modified fungal growths. Eating too much puts the consumer at risk of developing athlete's foot, eczema and other fungal diseases.

Q: I recently purchased a pie fashioned from the flesh of the creatures of the deep oceans blue. Will I go to hell?

A: Though technically fish are animals and their physical bodies thusly meat, fish is not red with living blood. Fish is rumoured to be good for body and mind and therefore subverts the true purpose of the pie. Repent by eating of the true pie hereon. A healthy brain is liable to wonder at the ineffable secrets of the pie, leading to damnation.

Q: I have been eating pies for many years and have noticed the gradual accumulation of a mass of wobbly tissue over my buttocks and abdomen. Is this normal?

A: You have been neglecting to use the energy provided by pies for physical activity. If energy is not expended it becomes mass at a rate equal to the reciprocal of the square of lightspeed in accordance with Einstein's theories. As long as an activity is pursued following consumption of one or more pies the formation of unseemly blubber should not occur. If you are warm enough in your home climate without this fine insulation, withdraw from it as you would withdraw money from a bank until you are ready to 'deposit' further money-fat by 'earning' additional pies.

Q: I once met a pieman going to the fair. Is there a simple answer?

A: Was it you or the pieman whose destination was the fairground? Selling pies at fairs is wasteful if the vigorous action of fairground rides causes vomiting of the unassimilated pie. Pies are eaten most safely in the secure and static enviornment of an armchair, positioned for preference before a television set.

Q: I once heard someone say "pies are squared". Wherefore did they speak of such things?

A: Mathematicians since the ancient greeks have preferred their pies to be square, eliminating intellectual considerations that get in the way of simple enjoyment. Pies with only two axes of rotational symmetry lack elegance; a circular pie is the same whichever way one looks upon it, a statement with great depth and beauty.

Q: I have forsaken pies these last four cycles and frequently experience a gnawing ache in my very guts. ¿Am I being punished?

A: You are piening for that which you have lost. A diet bereft of pies leads to empty longings in the soul of the intestines which can beget physical and mental distress and offensive behaviours. The porcupine is so called as it evolved from a species of rodent that became unable to catch and eat pies. (hence: pork-you-pine). This animal's spines are a physical manifestation of the spiritual pain the animal subsequently experienced. Humans who do not eat of the pie eventually become thin, almost gaunt, as a reflection of the stark emptiness within. Many become athletes, whose diet precludes pies but who are driven to great feats of speed and endurance in a metaphorical bid to hunt down and reclaim the lost spirit of pies.