Getting A Record Contract
Created | Updated Jun 6, 2003
Getting a record contract is a very difficult thing to do unless you are a) the son/daughter of Mick Jagger, b) live next door to Dave Gilmore from Pink Floyd (see Kate Bush), c) are going out with the head of Sony Music's daughter, d) are the daughter of the head of Sony Music.
If you do not fall under the four categories above then you're going to find things a lot harder than if you were. I can only offer the following help.
Step 1.
Learn to play an instrument, and learn to play it really well. This could be any of a large number of instruments (thought I suggest it isn't the Theramin) but you're best placed if it's a contemporary one, e.g. the guitar, drums, keyboards. I mean really, Rick Astley didn't reach his dizzy heights of fame by playing the Cello did he? So ignore whatever your mother and grandmother say about the Violin. If however, you are fantastically good looking, and your voice sounds reasonable when you're singing in the shower, then you may skip Step 1.
Step 2. Write a hit single. I cannot stress this enough. Most people think that they can get into the industry any way they can and then have hit singles written for them. Unless you are fantastically good-looking, this is not true.
Your second option here, if you are having trouble writing a hit single (which most of us are) is to place an ad in the NME/Music Maker asking for collaborations with Singer/Songwriters, demo essential. Then simply steal anything that you think is worthwhile and label it as your own.
Step 3. Get hold of Pete Watermans telephone number. Probably the most important step of all. Try 192.com if you must, just get it. Then get a loan, rob a bank, do over a pensioner, whatever, just have enough money to be able to bribe him to produce your next demo. If you have any photo's of him cheating on his wife then so much the better.
If you are fantastically good-looking then get him drunk at a bar and give him one in the nearest alley, making sure you take the necessary pictures or home video with which to bribe him later, when on the way down from your rise to fame.
Step 4. Record your demo. Taking your newly found hit single and top-ten producer into a studio can be a very stressful business. You need to focus and work hard, but above all, remember this: If you're good-looking it doesen't matter how completely rubbish it sounds, it will sell to 13 year old girls - if you are aesthetically challenged, then spend as much time as possible getting things perfect, remix and then remix again, master and remaster, until it sounds better than the new William Orbit track.
Step 5. Give it to a record company. Care must be taken here. I offer two streams of advice, firstly for those who do not look like Natalie Appleton and wasn't born in the wings of a London stage school: Bribary, threats, drugs, prostitution and blackmail are all valid methods of attracting the A&R mans attention. You're going to have to be bloody lucky to get him to listen past the first 10 seconds anyway, so make sure that you have a sawn-off 12-bore loaded and in your overcoat ready for that rejection 'raising of the forehead.' Try approaching everyone you can possibly think of, by scouring the White Book and the Music Week directory. When you have failed inn all of these areas, take your band and start playing the London pub-circuit until you are 47 and have decided that you might need to get a job. Then go to H2G2 and write an entry about how bitter you are, and how sycophantic the music business is :o)
For those of you out there who are fantastically good looking, wear a very low-cut top and as much make up as you can trowel onto those high cheek-bones of yours. Blink you eyes in a seductive fashion and say that you are willing to do ANYTHING to get a break.
Roll-over and do anything he says to get a break. Record your single and play to 13 year old girls on CD:UK. These girls will buy your records and get you to a respectable 37 in the UK charts. Get caught by Charlie, the Suns sniffer dog, in the Red Cube in London doing Coke and then relax in your first two week holiday in the priory, battling your drug addiction, knowing that you were once short-listed to have your face appear on a Walkers crisp packet.
That's all there is to it folks. If I could have afforded the surgery, I would have already done so and you would know my name as the person who just loved the taste of new Smokey Bacon snacks.
See yuh.
If you do not fall under the four categories above then you're going to find things a lot harder than if you were. I can only offer the following help.
Step 1.
Learn to play an instrument, and learn to play it really well. This could be any of a large number of instruments (thought I suggest it isn't the Theramin) but you're best placed if it's a contemporary one, e.g. the guitar, drums, keyboards. I mean really, Rick Astley didn't reach his dizzy heights of fame by playing the Cello did he? So ignore whatever your mother and grandmother say about the Violin. If however, you are fantastically good looking, and your voice sounds reasonable when you're singing in the shower, then you may skip Step 1.
Step 2. Write a hit single. I cannot stress this enough. Most people think that they can get into the industry any way they can and then have hit singles written for them. Unless you are fantastically good-looking, this is not true.
Your second option here, if you are having trouble writing a hit single (which most of us are) is to place an ad in the NME/Music Maker asking for collaborations with Singer/Songwriters, demo essential. Then simply steal anything that you think is worthwhile and label it as your own.
Step 3. Get hold of Pete Watermans telephone number. Probably the most important step of all. Try 192.com if you must, just get it. Then get a loan, rob a bank, do over a pensioner, whatever, just have enough money to be able to bribe him to produce your next demo. If you have any photo's of him cheating on his wife then so much the better.
If you are fantastically good-looking then get him drunk at a bar and give him one in the nearest alley, making sure you take the necessary pictures or home video with which to bribe him later, when on the way down from your rise to fame.
Step 4. Record your demo. Taking your newly found hit single and top-ten producer into a studio can be a very stressful business. You need to focus and work hard, but above all, remember this: If you're good-looking it doesen't matter how completely rubbish it sounds, it will sell to 13 year old girls - if you are aesthetically challenged, then spend as much time as possible getting things perfect, remix and then remix again, master and remaster, until it sounds better than the new William Orbit track.
Step 5. Give it to a record company. Care must be taken here. I offer two streams of advice, firstly for those who do not look like Natalie Appleton and wasn't born in the wings of a London stage school: Bribary, threats, drugs, prostitution and blackmail are all valid methods of attracting the A&R mans attention. You're going to have to be bloody lucky to get him to listen past the first 10 seconds anyway, so make sure that you have a sawn-off 12-bore loaded and in your overcoat ready for that rejection 'raising of the forehead.' Try approaching everyone you can possibly think of, by scouring the White Book and the Music Week directory. When you have failed inn all of these areas, take your band and start playing the London pub-circuit until you are 47 and have decided that you might need to get a job. Then go to H2G2 and write an entry about how bitter you are, and how sycophantic the music business is :o)
For those of you out there who are fantastically good looking, wear a very low-cut top and as much make up as you can trowel onto those high cheek-bones of yours. Blink you eyes in a seductive fashion and say that you are willing to do ANYTHING to get a break.
Roll-over and do anything he says to get a break. Record your single and play to 13 year old girls on CD:UK. These girls will buy your records and get you to a respectable 37 in the UK charts. Get caught by Charlie, the Suns sniffer dog, in the Red Cube in London doing Coke and then relax in your first two week holiday in the priory, battling your drug addiction, knowing that you were once short-listed to have your face appear on a Walkers crisp packet.
That's all there is to it folks. If I could have afforded the surgery, I would have already done so and you would know my name as the person who just loved the taste of new Smokey Bacon snacks.
See yuh.
