Annoying noises... and how to avoid them
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
The universe is filled top to crown with a vast array of annoying noises. Possibly the worst of all is the sound of the neighbour's car/burglar/rape alarm being sounded at a little after two in the morning.
This can of course be solved by a)waiting out the fifteen minutes before the alarm swithes itself off,
b) Constructing your own drum 'n' bass number centred on the throbbing bass of the said alarm,
or c) ensuring that it is you that sets the alarm off next time: you will still be able to hear the noise but it should only add to the thrill of the robbery. (Only recommended for psychopaths who wish to declare war on their neighbours).
Annoying noise #2
The disgusting snort of someone minus a tissue. If you are one of these infuriating bunch, you should be ashamed of yourself, as one of the few solutions to this noise is to:
a) Ask the sniffer/snorter politely to cease their snifflings, which can be embarrassing, especially if the sniffed at does not know the sniffee.
b) Insert two small ball bearings up the offender's nostrils.
Annoying noise #3
The sound of a wet fart. Only acceptable when performed by self; otherwise:
a) The cliched 'cork up the rectum'. Only viable in the harsh light of reality if you catch the offender whilst sleeping, and have a hardy disposition.
b) Exclaim wildly 'Oh My God That's The Vilest Thing Ever' and seek a new group of friends who do not have these vile tendencies. Alternatively, if you do not know the offender, c) give them a slap.
Annoying noise #4
Knuckles cracking
See #3, solution a). It does not directly stop the noise but should teach the offender a lesson.
Annoying noise #5
Nails down a blackboard
Do not be afeared: nobody ever does this in reality. If you have experienced this noise personally, be afraid: you are on a different plane of reality to the rest of us.
Any more annoying noises?
This can of course be solved by a)waiting out the fifteen minutes before the alarm swithes itself off,
b) Constructing your own drum 'n' bass number centred on the throbbing bass of the said alarm,
or c) ensuring that it is you that sets the alarm off next time: you will still be able to hear the noise but it should only add to the thrill of the robbery. (Only recommended for psychopaths who wish to declare war on their neighbours).
Annoying noise #2
The disgusting snort of someone minus a tissue. If you are one of these infuriating bunch, you should be ashamed of yourself, as one of the few solutions to this noise is to:
a) Ask the sniffer/snorter politely to cease their snifflings, which can be embarrassing, especially if the sniffed at does not know the sniffee.
b) Insert two small ball bearings up the offender's nostrils.
Annoying noise #3
The sound of a wet fart. Only acceptable when performed by self; otherwise:
a) The cliched 'cork up the rectum'. Only viable in the harsh light of reality if you catch the offender whilst sleeping, and have a hardy disposition.
b) Exclaim wildly 'Oh My God That's The Vilest Thing Ever' and seek a new group of friends who do not have these vile tendencies. Alternatively, if you do not know the offender, c) give them a slap.
Annoying noise #4
Knuckles cracking
See #3, solution a). It does not directly stop the noise but should teach the offender a lesson.
Annoying noise #5
Nails down a blackboard
Do not be afeared: nobody ever does this in reality. If you have experienced this noise personally, be afraid: you are on a different plane of reality to the rest of us.
Any more annoying noises?
