Crisps: The Definitive Guide
Created | Updated Mar 26, 2004
The crisp 1, is arguably one of the world's greatest inventions. Since the dawn of time, man has hankered for a tasty, fulfilling yet light snack, and the crisp is an admirable candidate for the role.
Elegant in its simplicity, the crisp is just a very thin cross-section of a potato, roasted to crispness2 and then flavoured. It is then packaged with a number of its fellows in a nice foil packet, ready to be consumed.
These little treats come in many shapes and sizes, many sold shearly on the stength of a gimmick. There are so many styles and flavours that I could not possibly review them all. Instead, I will work my way through all the traditional flavours that are made by Walkers 3, and any personal favourites of mine which are not. First up are the big three: Salt and Vinegar, Cheese and Onion and Ready Salted.
Those Fulsome Flavours In, Ah, Full
Salt And Vinegar: A true masterpiece of flavouring. When made correctly, this subtle blend of synthetic chemical flavour enhancers is truly the king of flavours. Traditionally, salt and vinegar was sold in blue packets. Would someone please inform Walkers that green is for cheese and onion? 9.5/10
Cheese And Onion: I used really to despise this flavour, until I was one day hungry in a car, and decided that needs must. Happily, I had a flask of orange juice to hand, and the two subtle flavours matched each other perfectly. But enough of my culinary revelations. Alone, Cheese and Onion are a poor choice, but together with orange juice4 they make for a good snack. 7/10
Ready Salted: Unique in their beautiful simplicity, these are flavoured, as the name might suggest, merely with salt, the ready being an anachronism referring to the days when one was forced to salt one's own crisps. Sadly, these, too, are becomming anachronistic, outmoded and outclassed by younger, more exciting varieties. These have nothing to recommend themselves in their blandness, and moreover, the quantity of salt used is rapidly diminishing. 4/10
Chicken: Somewhat curiosly, chicken flavoured crisps taste nothing whatsoever like chicken. Yes, I'm as confused by this as you are. However, they are reasonably nice, though I couldn't eat more than one packet in a sitting, as they begin to get quite sickly. Still, they have much to recommend themsleves in their own special non-chicken-flavoured way. 7/10
(Smokey) Bacon: These are an enigma. Sometimes, They are very tasty, but sometimes they are revolting. A choice for the gamblers amongst you, and those who don't mind that they don't baear any resemblence to the taste of bacon that we all know and tolerate. 6/10
Prawn Cocktail: These are quite similar to Salt and Vinegar flavour, which makes up for the fact that they are quite some way away from prawn cocktail flavour. Despite this, they have deposed Cheese and Onion as the second choice after all the Salt and Vinegars have all been nabbed by my brother5 . 8/10
Cream Cheese and Chive: One should always be wary of things your parents endorse, and these are no exception. A strange flavour, as yet relatively uncommon, which doesn't sit well on the educated palatte. For some reason though my mother likes them6. Myself, I have yet to finnish eating a pack, as they just get too wierd. They taste just like the grren packs of Pringles though, which I can eat at a rate of notts. I reckon they put morphine in them actually. 4/10
Pickled Onion: What can I say? Sheer gorgeousness in crisp form. I like this chiefly because it tastes like salt and vinegar but with a kick. My mouth is watering already - a particularly strong packet can cause you to moan like halitosis sufferer drinking meths. Quite literally eye-watering. 9/10
Spring Onion: On viewing a conventional packet of these, the sickly green colouring is off-putting to say the least, but is strangely fitting with the sickly, washed-out flavour of the crisps themselves. Uninspiring, unpopular and untasty, give these a miss. Unless you like them, obviously. 3/10
Worcestorshire Sauce: You what? I challenge anyone actually to have ever seen one of these, let alone eaten one. Nice purple packet though. NA
Barbecue: You know how tic-tacs used to do a Rhumba on your toungue? Well these vomit down your aesophagus. Avoid, unless you like bile. 3/10
Misfits: Random Oddballs That You Will Like
Hot'n'Spicy Nik-Naks: More like cancerous lumps of toasted corn than crisps, these little beauties pack a punch. But I still want their babies7. In a word, lovely. Only eat more than one packet if you feel that tastebuds aren't worth the hastle. 8.5/10
Pickled Onion Monster Munch: If you haven't tried a pack of these before, stop reading this and go and buy one. Light corn snacks in the shape of a big four toed foot tasting of pickled onion. Sweeet. I still miss Roast Beef flavour. Possibly the nicest thing in existence ever8. 9.5/10
Pork Scratchings: Lumps of pure desicated pig fat, salted to excess. A concept so pure and so beautiful that it sometimes makes me wish I was a pig so I could donate my skin to the cause too. Eat with a pint of Carling Black Lable for best effect. Pant-creamingly gorgeous9. 9.5/10
Alright sunshine, you're banned!
Random types which I don't like.
Pringles: Here is a tip for all you Pringlites out there. The flavour is sprayed onto one side, the curving outwards side. I don't for a moment believe that these are actually more than 15% potato, even though they are incredibly moorish. No one flavour is outstanding - they all taste of chemical more than anything else, though avoid Paprika at all costs. Boring. 5/10
Kettle Chips: I have never understood people who buy Kettle Chips. You pay above the odds for very few supposedly quality10 crisps. Why? Why!?! The crisps are thicker and crunchier, and are given the air of authority by being given posh11 names. Thus salt and vinegar becomes 'balsamic vinegar and sea salt'. What do they take us for? The flavours are full and firm, if chemical, but for the price of a 50g pack you can buy abvout three 30g packs of others. 4/10
