Changed around.
Created | Updated Mar 2, 2009
I have changed this around so let me know what you think
I looked over at my suitcase over flowing with clothes that I didn't really need, but packed just in case I needed spares. My black socks trying to escape from their small dark prison so they could roam free with my other socks who sat in their comfortable drawer which stood like a high stairway in the corner of my bedroom.
My room was small cave like, no colour in the room unless the sun shined through my small windows. My walls where covered in posters of my favourite bands and music. I also had photos on a pin board of all my friends and family who looked scared every time I took a photo. Looking at these made me smile always until now. Now that I have to leave them all behind. I said all my goodbyes already, so I didn't have to see them before I left otherwise I wouldn't go.
I thought I would cry knowing I was leaving Sandra and all my friends, but by my surprise I didn't shed a tear. Which was normal for me I never could show my emotions very well. My friends would sometime worry about me if something horrible happened to me. I wouldn't go into shock right away, or I would never go into shock at all. I needed to be the adult and not give into my tears or anger. Sandra of course was the opposite she didn't mind showing people her tears or rage. She mostly waited till I was out the way if she was angry because I would follow. When someone was angry or upset I would feel their pain or rage and I would become the same for some reason unknown. I guess this made me a freak, and I would always feel like and idiot if I was with people.
I didn't want to leave Sandra, my adopted mother but she requested I get out and find Caren my my biological mother so I could get the answers to my questions that caused me to much irritation.
Sandra always knew when I was thinking about Caren, my eyebrows would pull together and I would make fists from my hands and I would look angry as if I wanted to punch someone or something. I knew it was best for me not to think about her and why she did this to me but I couldn't stop myself. I would always become so angry that I would lose consciousness. When I came back round from my unconsciousness I would loose my anger but I would always get tingles in my fingers like pins and needles and if Sandra touched me she would get a shock as if I was electric. I never knew why this was and maybe I inherited it from Caren or my father who Sandra didn't know or wasn't tell me about. Sandra would leave the room after an episode she called them, until I calmed down and got back to normal not thinking about her. I always questioned why I had these episodes but Sandra just told me it is common and I shouldn't worry myself. She was always a bad liar, so I did my own investigation. I always came up empty so I knew it wasn't common and I was just a person with a freaky brain. Sandra loved me and that's all I needed to forget about this part of my brain.
“Knock Knock, can I come in?” Sandra always asked this question when she wanted to know what I was doing and when she wanted to enter my room. “Come in Sandra you don't need to ask,” I always replied getting a little more annoyed every time she did it but she would never notice. I had never called Sandra mom since she told me I was adopted. I had no reason to stop it was just an automatic thing now. She wasn't my birth mother she was my room mate, which sounded better and also Sandra didn't mind at all. I thought she liked it better she told me it sounds nice and not old.
“You packed yet?” Sandra's voice was always smooth with me sometimes I didn't deserve this hospitality from her at all. She also had sounded a little impatient with me as if I had to leave before something was going to happen. I was ready but I wanted to know the why the rush but I knew she wouldn't tell me. “Yeah” was the only replay I could get out without asking and making her mad at me. I didn't think of a good reason why she would be mad but I could see that she would be. This made me very frustrated with her because there was always a problem when she wouldn't look into my eyes and talk to my face.
I loved Sandra to bits as if she was my own mother, and we went through the maternal bond when I was born but she would keep things from me, and she knew it made me annoyed and normally I would bug her about it until she told me, but this time it was different,the look on her hart-shaped face that looked in pain told me to leave it. The first time I asked Sandra a question about her keeping things from me , her eyebrows pulled together and her hands balled into fists and she would growl at me. “Its nothing to do with you keep out of my business!”. I took her words in and knew it was something about me and she didn't want me to know or she thought it was better I didn't know. She left my room and looked in so much pain as if someone had just put a knife into her heart. I tried to tell myself it was just hard for her to let me go but I was only lying to myself on this matter and I didn't give a damn. I took one last look around my room. Sigh. “Goodbye room I don't know if I would be back”. I sounded pathetic but I also felt dread that I had to close my door not knowing if I could or would be able to come back. Maybe I wouldn't be welcome back?
Sandra kept shouting me to hurry, I could tell she was annoyed and been impatient with me, but she didn't understand how much this was hurting me. I walked as slow as humanly possible so I would be able to catch the scent of the house which always smelled like fresh pine on a summers day, it was warm and comforting for me always smelling the same every day. I wanted also to get the mental pictures of everything to take with me so I could never forget. The front room was my favourite place in the house. The smallish room bight in colour a small love seat in front of the wild fire place with a fire guard in place. There was no TV in the room Sandra thought TV was the devil it made your brain into mush. I like her theories even if they where crazy. We also had a joint kitchen which was never used by me I couldn't cook at all. I only made cereal. I couldn't make toast without setting the smoke alarm off, so Sandra always did the cooking which she loved to do. She owed her own business in cooking which she did from home so it always smelt good, and it was always mouth watering. I was going to miss this house, but I knew this was what Sandra wanted.
I turned to walk towards the door and the look on Sandra's heart shaped face was priceless. Her face was unique I had never seen that amount of beauty in anyone else. She was crying and her pale white face made it obvious to see. Her face always stood out from anyone else's even mine. Her beauty was one of a kind. Her big round eyes with an ocean blue iris's with long brown thick lashes to make them stand out from the rest of her face. Her nose was small like a button on her face, and her full heart shaped lips always pale pink and she never needed lip stick to show how full they where. Sandra never seen her beauty like everyone else did. Her face was always covered by her long thick bleach blond hair. People in town always said me and Sandra looked the same and we could pass as twins, instead of mother and daughter,but if they only knew what we really where. We never told anyone different and really why should we? She was all I needed in a mother and best friend. She has had me since I was just 3 months old and no one questioned why they never seen her pregnant. She told me I completed her even though her husband Frank disappeared when I turned 1 year old. I don't remember him at all, and I have never seen pictures of him in the house. I knew Sandra hated him for this because every picture that had his face on she ripped him out of it and it was just her alone.
I was just about to tell Sandra I was ready when I fell to the floor and lost consciousness. I was in a dark room which still felt like Sandra house. I could smell the pine of the hall way and I could fell Sandra shaking me and asking if I was all right. “Billie you need to hurry and get out of the house. You and Sandra are in Danger, Get out of there. GET OUT NOW!” The voice in my head was velvet and smooth but with rage also. I came back to the present with Sandra looking worried. I got on my feet and grabbed her hand and ran for the car. She was asking me why the rush now, but how could I tell her “ A voice in me head told me we where in danger,” there was no way I could say that without her admitting me to the hospital. Sandra was locking the door and I could feel myself looking around outside of the drive way checking no one was there, but I couldn't see much because of the fog. England was never happy with loads of sunshine it just liked to rain, blow gales or send down the fog. I was glad to be going to America just thinking of all the sun, but also scared because I would be alone until I found Caren. I was scared been in the drive was so I was trying to hurry Sandra but now she was taking her time and I guess I had to be patient like she was with me in the house.
I couldn't help but to think about the voice in my head and the words it told me get out now! It sounded like a wild beast trying to explode from my head. It was a caged prisoner that was not allowed to escape and I had to keep it locked up. I lied to Sandra when she asked me what the hurry was, I told her I didn't want to miss my flight. When I told her this I could fell her pain and see it in her ocean eyes. I tried not to look at her for the drive to the airport. I rolled into a ball with my knees to my chest and closed my eyes. I was a little tired but I was to scared to fall asleep. Sandra told me that Caren liked in a small town called Millerton N.Y but she didn't have an address, so she couldn't give me directions from the border of Millerton. She told me that if it was a small town someone would know Caren and give me directions to her home.
When Sandra drove me to the airport she was going very fast as if she needed to hurry because of my words on missing my flight. She never spoke to me but I could feel the questions burning a whole in her brain trying to move to her lips and intertwine with her voice to ask them. But she didn't open her mouth to ask, but only to give a lot of big sighs. I could tell her questions where about me falling to the floor and what had I heard for me to move so abrupt. I wanted to apologise to her for rushing her out with no explanation. It was wrong for me to do this so why couldn't I tell her the truth? “She couldn't handle the truth Billie you are right for lying to her. You can never tell anyone about your gifts.” The voice in my head was back this time soft and calm. Gifts? What gifts? I just sound crazy. Sigh.
“What's wrong?” Sandra asked me finally speaking to me. Her voice was full with worry, but again I couldn't tell her the truth. “Nothing just can't believe I'm going away without.” I wasn't lying but I also was not telling her the truth. I was sad to be leaving her, but this is what she wanted not me.
We arrived at the airport with a lot of time to spare. I got my bags out of the boot when Sandra brought over a bag trolley to help me, but her feeling where different. She was feeling pain and rejection. I tried to comfort her but she wouldn't come near me. I walked into the airport doors thinking Sandra was behind me to see me off, but when I came back from the check-in desk she was gone. The car was gone also. She had left me without seeing me off or saying bye to me. I was angry she left me but more I felt rejection, that she was happy I was gone, that she didn't want me around any more. The emotions came so abruptly I couldn't run and hide. I was crying in the middle of the airport for everyone to see, and stare at this weak pathetic human. How could she do this to me? I needed an answer and surely enough I got one. My angelic voice came back to give me her words of wisdom. “She loves you but she is finding this hard now. She understands all the signs I warned her about so she had to leave you, so she could deal with loss and pain.” Fine, was my only reply until she came back “find me Billie its almost time!” Almost time for what? I'm I going crazy? I was only looking for one person, so that meant the voice in my head could only be Caren...
The flight to Manhattan was very long, but I was to emotional to notice. I was so sleepy but my unconsciousness wouldn't find me. Everyone on the flight was sleeping, so I was able to think more clearly now. I thought of every single question I could come up with to ask Caren. The most important question I wanted to know was why and how? These where important to me, and maybe when I got any answer I could leave and go back to Sandra, if she would take me back. I looked out the window on the plane and thought to myself, just thinking about all of my friends I had to leave behind. Whilst all of them where going to college I took time for my 'trip'. I wanted to go to college but I had no idea what I would study. I seen myself as many things and none of them I could do. My grades where top of the class and I could do anything at college but I didn't feel like I could.
Hours past and I was still awake but needed sleep so I closed my eyes hoping sleep would find me soon. The flight attendant came over to me and asked if I needed a pillow and a blanket. “no thank you,” I couldn't speak without my voice been crocky so I decided I hate to do something to help me sleep. I got bag out of the cabin above my head. I pulled out my potable CD player and turn on my music to help the sleep find me,but when I looked in my bag I noticed to badly wrapped gifts in my bag. The colour on the paper was fading with age, so I had no idea how long I had these for but I know I didn't add these in my bag.
I looked over at my suitcase over flowing with clothes that I didn't really need, but packed just in case I needed spares. My black socks trying to escape from their small dark prison so they could roam free with my other socks who sat in their comfortable drawer which stood like a high stairway in the corner of my bedroom.
My room was small cave like, no colour in the room unless the sun shined through my small windows. My walls where covered in posters of my favourite bands and music. I also had photos on a pin board of all my friends and family who looked scared every time I took a photo. Looking at these made me smile always until now. Now that I have to leave them all behind. I said all my goodbyes already, so I didn't have to see them before I left otherwise I wouldn't go.
I thought I would cry knowing I was leaving Sandra and all my friends, but by my surprise I didn't shed a tear. Which was normal for me I never could show my emotions very well. My friends would sometime worry about me if something horrible happened to me. I wouldn't go into shock right away, or I would never go into shock at all. I needed to be the adult and not give into my tears or anger. Sandra of course was the opposite she didn't mind showing people her tears or rage. She mostly waited till I was out the way if she was angry because I would follow. When someone was angry or upset I would feel their pain or rage and I would become the same for some reason unknown. I guess this made me a freak, and I would always feel like and idiot if I was with people.
I didn't want to leave Sandra, my adopted mother but she requested I get out and find Caren my my biological mother so I could get the answers to my questions that caused me to much irritation.
Sandra always knew when I was thinking about Caren, my eyebrows would pull together and I would make fists from my hands and I would look angry as if I wanted to punch someone or something. I knew it was best for me not to think about her and why she did this to me but I couldn't stop myself. I would always become so angry that I would lose consciousness. When I came back round from my unconsciousness I would loose my anger but I would always get tingles in my fingers like pins and needles and if Sandra touched me she would get a shock as if I was electric. I never knew why this was and maybe I inherited it from Caren or my father who Sandra didn't know or wasn't tell me about. Sandra would leave the room after an episode she called them, until I calmed down and got back to normal not thinking about her. I always questioned why I had these episodes but Sandra just told me it is common and I shouldn't worry myself. She was always a bad liar, so I did my own investigation. I always came up empty so I knew it wasn't common and I was just a person with a freaky brain. Sandra loved me and that's all I needed to forget about this part of my brain.
“Knock Knock, can I come in?” Sandra always asked this question when she wanted to know what I was doing and when she wanted to enter my room. “Come in Sandra you don't need to ask,” I always replied getting a little more annoyed every time she did it but she would never notice. I had never called Sandra mom since she told me I was adopted. I had no reason to stop it was just an automatic thing now. She wasn't my birth mother she was my room mate, which sounded better and also Sandra didn't mind at all. I thought she liked it better she told me it sounds nice and not old.
“You packed yet?” Sandra's voice was always smooth with me sometimes I didn't deserve this hospitality from her at all. She also had sounded a little impatient with me as if I had to leave before something was going to happen. I was ready but I wanted to know the why the rush but I knew she wouldn't tell me. “Yeah” was the only replay I could get out without asking and making her mad at me. I didn't think of a good reason why she would be mad but I could see that she would be. This made me very frustrated with her because there was always a problem when she wouldn't look into my eyes and talk to my face.
I loved Sandra to bits as if she was my own mother, and we went through the maternal bond when I was born but she would keep things from me, and she knew it made me annoyed and normally I would bug her about it until she told me, but this time it was different,the look on her hart-shaped face that looked in pain told me to leave it. The first time I asked Sandra a question about her keeping things from me , her eyebrows pulled together and her hands balled into fists and she would growl at me. “Its nothing to do with you keep out of my business!”. I took her words in and knew it was something about me and she didn't want me to know or she thought it was better I didn't know. She left my room and looked in so much pain as if someone had just put a knife into her heart. I tried to tell myself it was just hard for her to let me go but I was only lying to myself on this matter and I didn't give a damn. I took one last look around my room. Sigh. “Goodbye room I don't know if I would be back”. I sounded pathetic but I also felt dread that I had to close my door not knowing if I could or would be able to come back. Maybe I wouldn't be welcome back?
Sandra kept shouting me to hurry, I could tell she was annoyed and been impatient with me, but she didn't understand how much this was hurting me. I walked as slow as humanly possible so I would be able to catch the scent of the house which always smelled like fresh pine on a summers day, it was warm and comforting for me always smelling the same every day. I wanted also to get the mental pictures of everything to take with me so I could never forget. The front room was my favourite place in the house. The smallish room bight in colour a small love seat in front of the wild fire place with a fire guard in place. There was no TV in the room Sandra thought TV was the devil it made your brain into mush. I like her theories even if they where crazy. We also had a joint kitchen which was never used by me I couldn't cook at all. I only made cereal. I couldn't make toast without setting the smoke alarm off, so Sandra always did the cooking which she loved to do. She owed her own business in cooking which she did from home so it always smelt good, and it was always mouth watering. I was going to miss this house, but I knew this was what Sandra wanted.
I turned to walk towards the door and the look on Sandra's heart shaped face was priceless. Her face was unique I had never seen that amount of beauty in anyone else. She was crying and her pale white face made it obvious to see. Her face always stood out from anyone else's even mine. Her beauty was one of a kind. Her big round eyes with an ocean blue iris's with long brown thick lashes to make them stand out from the rest of her face. Her nose was small like a button on her face, and her full heart shaped lips always pale pink and she never needed lip stick to show how full they where. Sandra never seen her beauty like everyone else did. Her face was always covered by her long thick bleach blond hair. People in town always said me and Sandra looked the same and we could pass as twins, instead of mother and daughter,but if they only knew what we really where. We never told anyone different and really why should we? She was all I needed in a mother and best friend. She has had me since I was just 3 months old and no one questioned why they never seen her pregnant. She told me I completed her even though her husband Frank disappeared when I turned 1 year old. I don't remember him at all, and I have never seen pictures of him in the house. I knew Sandra hated him for this because every picture that had his face on she ripped him out of it and it was just her alone.
I was just about to tell Sandra I was ready when I fell to the floor and lost consciousness. I was in a dark room which still felt like Sandra house. I could smell the pine of the hall way and I could fell Sandra shaking me and asking if I was all right. “Billie you need to hurry and get out of the house. You and Sandra are in Danger, Get out of there. GET OUT NOW!” The voice in my head was velvet and smooth but with rage also. I came back to the present with Sandra looking worried. I got on my feet and grabbed her hand and ran for the car. She was asking me why the rush now, but how could I tell her “ A voice in me head told me we where in danger,” there was no way I could say that without her admitting me to the hospital. Sandra was locking the door and I could feel myself looking around outside of the drive way checking no one was there, but I couldn't see much because of the fog. England was never happy with loads of sunshine it just liked to rain, blow gales or send down the fog. I was glad to be going to America just thinking of all the sun, but also scared because I would be alone until I found Caren. I was scared been in the drive was so I was trying to hurry Sandra but now she was taking her time and I guess I had to be patient like she was with me in the house.
I couldn't help but to think about the voice in my head and the words it told me get out now! It sounded like a wild beast trying to explode from my head. It was a caged prisoner that was not allowed to escape and I had to keep it locked up. I lied to Sandra when she asked me what the hurry was, I told her I didn't want to miss my flight. When I told her this I could fell her pain and see it in her ocean eyes. I tried not to look at her for the drive to the airport. I rolled into a ball with my knees to my chest and closed my eyes. I was a little tired but I was to scared to fall asleep. Sandra told me that Caren liked in a small town called Millerton N.Y but she didn't have an address, so she couldn't give me directions from the border of Millerton. She told me that if it was a small town someone would know Caren and give me directions to her home.
When Sandra drove me to the airport she was going very fast as if she needed to hurry because of my words on missing my flight. She never spoke to me but I could feel the questions burning a whole in her brain trying to move to her lips and intertwine with her voice to ask them. But she didn't open her mouth to ask, but only to give a lot of big sighs. I could tell her questions where about me falling to the floor and what had I heard for me to move so abrupt. I wanted to apologise to her for rushing her out with no explanation. It was wrong for me to do this so why couldn't I tell her the truth? “She couldn't handle the truth Billie you are right for lying to her. You can never tell anyone about your gifts.” The voice in my head was back this time soft and calm. Gifts? What gifts? I just sound crazy. Sigh.
“What's wrong?” Sandra asked me finally speaking to me. Her voice was full with worry, but again I couldn't tell her the truth. “Nothing just can't believe I'm going away without.” I wasn't lying but I also was not telling her the truth. I was sad to be leaving her, but this is what she wanted not me.
We arrived at the airport with a lot of time to spare. I got my bags out of the boot when Sandra brought over a bag trolley to help me, but her feeling where different. She was feeling pain and rejection. I tried to comfort her but she wouldn't come near me. I walked into the airport doors thinking Sandra was behind me to see me off, but when I came back from the check-in desk she was gone. The car was gone also. She had left me without seeing me off or saying bye to me. I was angry she left me but more I felt rejection, that she was happy I was gone, that she didn't want me around any more. The emotions came so abruptly I couldn't run and hide. I was crying in the middle of the airport for everyone to see, and stare at this weak pathetic human. How could she do this to me? I needed an answer and surely enough I got one. My angelic voice came back to give me her words of wisdom. “She loves you but she is finding this hard now. She understands all the signs I warned her about so she had to leave you, so she could deal with loss and pain.” Fine, was my only reply until she came back “find me Billie its almost time!” Almost time for what? I'm I going crazy? I was only looking for one person, so that meant the voice in my head could only be Caren...
The flight to Manhattan was very long, but I was to emotional to notice. I was so sleepy but my unconsciousness wouldn't find me. Everyone on the flight was sleeping, so I was able to think more clearly now. I thought of every single question I could come up with to ask Caren. The most important question I wanted to know was why and how? These where important to me, and maybe when I got any answer I could leave and go back to Sandra, if she would take me back. I looked out the window on the plane and thought to myself, just thinking about all of my friends I had to leave behind. Whilst all of them where going to college I took time for my 'trip'. I wanted to go to college but I had no idea what I would study. I seen myself as many things and none of them I could do. My grades where top of the class and I could do anything at college but I didn't feel like I could.
Hours past and I was still awake but needed sleep so I closed my eyes hoping sleep would find me soon. The flight attendant came over to me and asked if I needed a pillow and a blanket. “no thank you,” I couldn't speak without my voice been crocky so I decided I hate to do something to help me sleep. I got bag out of the cabin above my head. I pulled out my potable CD player and turn on my music to help the sleep find me,but when I looked in my bag I noticed to badly wrapped gifts in my bag. The colour on the paper was fading with age, so I had no idea how long I had these for but I know I didn't add these in my bag.
