The Adventures of Glenn Byres The Man Eating Vegie Part 1
Created | Updated Jun 21, 2003
That which follows was originally penned for a Highschool English Composition class. Regardless of the subject I would often incorporate it into a GBTMEV story. The real Glenn Byres was in the same year and was tied with the epithet 'Vegie' for doing silly things like banging his head against walls and stopping ceiling fans with the aforementioned anatomical landmark. He is now, as far as I'm aware, a journalist (Hmmm?). Anyway, this is part one (extensively revised with footnotes) of an existing 4 parts. I shall post another in a months time unless persuded to another course of action.
AND NOW, . . .
THE ADVENTURES OF GLENN BYRES THE MAN EATING VEGIE
One day, Glenn Byres The Man Eating Vegie sat banging his head against the wall of his high-rise subterranean, split-level drainpipe. Suddenly he became hungry and he said:
“Suddenly I’ve become hungry! I think I’ll go out and devastate the world!”
So he did and the world was devastated.
He went forth from his place of abode and stood blinking in the evening sun. The body a spindly affair rising from his potting mixéd pot; green with writhing vines that served most adequately as arms and hands. Atop was a noggin of wild construct, nettle-like with a gob full of sharp teeth fit for gnashing. Wide staring eyes searched the street for something to eat.
In his semi-detached Otto-Bin, Boltar Cunticarn –dwarf and professional Noipwrangler - sat reading an insidious women’s magazine. Suddenly he heard a noise outside. He said:
“Suddenly I hear a noise outside! I will investigate!”
So he jumped up and hit his head on the lid. He jumped up again, but this time used his initiative and lifted the lid, thus avoiding the noggin-denting conundrum. Instantly he found himself staring into the dark slavering knees of, . . .Glenn Byres The Man Eating Vegie [look, I’m going to get RSI typing Glenn Byres The Man Eating Vegie every few lines so I’ll shorten it to GBTMEV, alright? OK, on with the story]. Remembering his Noipwrangler training, he swung his magazine into the vegie’s dripping maw. GBTMEV took a bite -Boltar’s arm and all- and promptly got severe indigestion. Swiftly he whipped out his severe indigestion cure (with the pleasant effervescence) which afforded a cure for his severe indigestion. Boltar writhed in agony as blood spurted from the stump in thick, crimson gouts. His plight was soon over though, as with one mighty gulp, GBTMEV swallowed the hapless dwarf whole.
Hearing the kafuffle, Thorin Oakenshield, fellow dwarf and neighbour came out of his Otto-Bin. He recoiled in shock when he saw the gruesome sight. He exclaimed:
“Oh, what a gruesome sight!”
He stood staring into the V8 flowerpot that housed vegetation with big gnarly teeth. He attempted to run, but GBTMEV had parked on his foot. There was only one thing to do; he quickly whisked out a handy mask of, . . .Gasp! . . .Aarg! . . .Ooooh! . . .Horror, . . .[insert name of current figure of derision here]! The Vegie recoiled in abject terror allowing Thorin to extricate himself. Alas, in his haste, he dropped the mask. His puny legs were no match for the beefy V8 and with a casual lunge he was quickly dispatched.
GBTMEV went on in search of more nourishment, and was not long in finding it.
Rolf Rolf (ineffectual slacker) and Keeda Manticullis (sublime angel) were walking elegant hand in sweaty mitt along the moonlit beach. The Vegie’s mouth watered as he watched Rolf’s considerable bulk and Keeda’s feline-proud sway in that silvery light. From the occlusion of a stand of pines, he hesitated. Confusion seeped into his consciousness; a strange feeling gave him cause to frown. Rolf he saw as food but Keeda represented something altogether different. Determining to resolve that which he understood first, he dragged himself from the mire of indecision and pounced on the horrified Rolf, swallowing him whole.
Keeda was screaming, waving her arms as if to dispel the nightmarish vision, waiting for the darkness to engulf her, . . .Yet the suffocating thump never came. Mustering her courage, she stifled a scream and slowly opened her eyes. Before her, GBTMEV sat with his head bowed as if in supplication. Her heart fluttered and she gasped. At the sound, the Vegie raised his head. As their eyes met, they fell with a resounding thump in love*.
In a perverse cognitive leap, Keeda reasoned that she was planning to dump the repugnant Rolf anyway and GBTMEV saved her the trouble. She took his vine and together they walked back to the main street.
“Why do you eat people?” Keeda asked as they reached the darkened street.
“Because I’m hungry, and people, as my name would suggest, is what I eat.” He replied.
“If you promise not to eat any more people, I’ll cook you a large portion of cunjevoi-on-toast.” She offered.
“That would be most salubrious.”
Suddenly there was a loud ‘crack!’ and GBTMEV said:
“Hark! A loud crack!”
Instantly, a multitude of crack troops [tee-hee!] with anti-MEV guns streamed out from behind Otto-Bins and overcame the Vegie. Keeda cried:
“No! No!” but before you could say, “Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerycwerndropwllantysiliogogogoch” (If you were wont to say such things), they had beaten the Vegie back to his high-rise subterranean, split-level drainpipe and sealed the entrance with the conglomerated output of various american** franchises.
“He’ll never try to eat his way out of that lot.” One said.
Could this be the end of our story before it really begins?
Will Keeda be reunited with her love?
Will GBTMEV try to win through the ominous mass to seek revenge?
Why does thin and crispy pizza look like dried vomit on a Sao?
For the answers to this and other far more ridiculous questions, look out for part two of:
THE ADVENTURES OF GLENN BYRES THE MAN EATING VEGIE.
THE END, . . .for now.
*I could, dear reader, justify myself with case studies of hostages falling for their captors but that would disrupt the flow, . . .damn!
**The spelling is quite deliberate, I assure you.
AND NOW, . . .
THE ADVENTURES OF GLENN BYRES THE MAN EATING VEGIE
One day, Glenn Byres The Man Eating Vegie sat banging his head against the wall of his high-rise subterranean, split-level drainpipe. Suddenly he became hungry and he said:
“Suddenly I’ve become hungry! I think I’ll go out and devastate the world!”
So he did and the world was devastated.
He went forth from his place of abode and stood blinking in the evening sun. The body a spindly affair rising from his potting mixéd pot; green with writhing vines that served most adequately as arms and hands. Atop was a noggin of wild construct, nettle-like with a gob full of sharp teeth fit for gnashing. Wide staring eyes searched the street for something to eat.
In his semi-detached Otto-Bin, Boltar Cunticarn –dwarf and professional Noipwrangler - sat reading an insidious women’s magazine. Suddenly he heard a noise outside. He said:
“Suddenly I hear a noise outside! I will investigate!”
So he jumped up and hit his head on the lid. He jumped up again, but this time used his initiative and lifted the lid, thus avoiding the noggin-denting conundrum. Instantly he found himself staring into the dark slavering knees of, . . .Glenn Byres The Man Eating Vegie [look, I’m going to get RSI typing Glenn Byres The Man Eating Vegie every few lines so I’ll shorten it to GBTMEV, alright? OK, on with the story]. Remembering his Noipwrangler training, he swung his magazine into the vegie’s dripping maw. GBTMEV took a bite -Boltar’s arm and all- and promptly got severe indigestion. Swiftly he whipped out his severe indigestion cure (with the pleasant effervescence) which afforded a cure for his severe indigestion. Boltar writhed in agony as blood spurted from the stump in thick, crimson gouts. His plight was soon over though, as with one mighty gulp, GBTMEV swallowed the hapless dwarf whole.
Hearing the kafuffle, Thorin Oakenshield, fellow dwarf and neighbour came out of his Otto-Bin. He recoiled in shock when he saw the gruesome sight. He exclaimed:
“Oh, what a gruesome sight!”
He stood staring into the V8 flowerpot that housed vegetation with big gnarly teeth. He attempted to run, but GBTMEV had parked on his foot. There was only one thing to do; he quickly whisked out a handy mask of, . . .Gasp! . . .Aarg! . . .Ooooh! . . .Horror, . . .[insert name of current figure of derision here]! The Vegie recoiled in abject terror allowing Thorin to extricate himself. Alas, in his haste, he dropped the mask. His puny legs were no match for the beefy V8 and with a casual lunge he was quickly dispatched.
GBTMEV went on in search of more nourishment, and was not long in finding it.
Rolf Rolf (ineffectual slacker) and Keeda Manticullis (sublime angel) were walking elegant hand in sweaty mitt along the moonlit beach. The Vegie’s mouth watered as he watched Rolf’s considerable bulk and Keeda’s feline-proud sway in that silvery light. From the occlusion of a stand of pines, he hesitated. Confusion seeped into his consciousness; a strange feeling gave him cause to frown. Rolf he saw as food but Keeda represented something altogether different. Determining to resolve that which he understood first, he dragged himself from the mire of indecision and pounced on the horrified Rolf, swallowing him whole.
Keeda was screaming, waving her arms as if to dispel the nightmarish vision, waiting for the darkness to engulf her, . . .Yet the suffocating thump never came. Mustering her courage, she stifled a scream and slowly opened her eyes. Before her, GBTMEV sat with his head bowed as if in supplication. Her heart fluttered and she gasped. At the sound, the Vegie raised his head. As their eyes met, they fell with a resounding thump in love*.
In a perverse cognitive leap, Keeda reasoned that she was planning to dump the repugnant Rolf anyway and GBTMEV saved her the trouble. She took his vine and together they walked back to the main street.
“Why do you eat people?” Keeda asked as they reached the darkened street.
“Because I’m hungry, and people, as my name would suggest, is what I eat.” He replied.
“If you promise not to eat any more people, I’ll cook you a large portion of cunjevoi-on-toast.” She offered.
“That would be most salubrious.”
Suddenly there was a loud ‘crack!’ and GBTMEV said:
“Hark! A loud crack!”
Instantly, a multitude of crack troops [tee-hee!] with anti-MEV guns streamed out from behind Otto-Bins and overcame the Vegie. Keeda cried:
“No! No!” but before you could say, “Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerycwerndropwllantysiliogogogoch” (If you were wont to say such things), they had beaten the Vegie back to his high-rise subterranean, split-level drainpipe and sealed the entrance with the conglomerated output of various american** franchises.
“He’ll never try to eat his way out of that lot.” One said.
Could this be the end of our story before it really begins?
Will Keeda be reunited with her love?
Will GBTMEV try to win through the ominous mass to seek revenge?
Why does thin and crispy pizza look like dried vomit on a Sao?
For the answers to this and other far more ridiculous questions, look out for part two of:
THE ADVENTURES OF GLENN BYRES THE MAN EATING VEGIE.
THE END, . . .for now.
*I could, dear reader, justify myself with case studies of hostages falling for their captors but that would disrupt the flow, . . .damn!
**The spelling is quite deliberate, I assure you.
