So, anyway.

We'd spent the weekend camping in Northamptonshire. We hadn't eaten anything other than burgers and chips for 3 days, and most of us had avoided ... well, to put it bluntly ... having a dump all weekend.

On the way home we decided to kill two birds with one stone and stop off at McDonalds. That way we could have a decent meal of a quarter pounder and chips, and while we were there we'd use the lavatory facilities.

There were about 8 of us. We ordered our food, went and sat down to eat, then took it in turns going to the bog. I was the last to go. I got in the cubicle, and ... well, to put it bluntly ... did a humungous log. It was at that point that I realised...

... There was only one sheet of loo paper left. (This, as you may be aware, is worse than there being no loo paper left. If there is no loo paper, then you have no choice but to pull your trousers up, flush and go. Once out of the cubicle you can maybe find another cubicle which has an adequate bog roll supply, go back in and wipe your bum).

But no, there was only one sheet of loo paper left. (And only one cubicle anyway - this was McDonalds, don't forget). Nothing for it but to wipe. Then fold in half. Then wipe again. Then fold in half again. Then wipe again. Then fold in half again. Then wipe again. (At this point, let me remind you that this was three days worth of humungous turd). I was bordering on getting into the Guinness Book of Records for being the person to have folded a single piece of bog roll in half the most amount of times. It was like that episode of Record Breakers where Cheryl Baker and a load of cub-scouts spent half an hour in a field folding up a huge bit of parachute silk as many times as they could to prove that it would only fold 8 times - except without Cheryl Baker and the cub-scouts, and the field, and the huge piece of parachute silk. I would've paid anything for a huge piece of parachute silk at that point ... even if it did mean being watched by the 6th St Barnabus Cub Scout Division.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, by the time I was down to the 8th fold I had a bit of bog sheet that was approximately 9mm square (and about 9mm thick, come to think of it), by which point I was as satisfied as one can be on these occasions of having made a relatively successful job of ... well, to put it bluntly ... wiping my arse.

That was the last time I visited McDonalds in Northampton.