Night club etiquette in the UK outside of London
Created | Updated Nov 7, 2008
This is what I hope to be a humorous look at behaviour around UK town centres - please don't take it seriously!
First things first - yes, there are lots of fantastic nightclubs outside of London. There are funky clubs, original clubs, classy clubs, even dare I say it - Fashionable nightclubs. Of course though these are probably not the ones most people experience around the UK so whats the point in focusing on the nightclubs that only a select few, or those who can be bothered go to. The main topic here ladies and gentlemen, is the dark underbelly of Englands grey, faceless towns and cities - the nightlife where, as some newspapers would say, 'families and pensionsers stay away'.
Well firstly, this is not true. It is perfectly fine to go clubbing with your family. In fact, in one club in the west country, there is a gentlemen who is at least 70, who is the first one on the dancefloor, and is usually totally inebriated, every night. Words to him would be along the lines of 'fair play'. Of course though, this does not count as binge drinking, as he is a certain age, therefore it becomes 'social drinking'. You may not be aware of this, but only those in the age group of 18 - 30 can be guilty of binge drinking - just like any youth aged 10 - 20 wearing a hooded sweatshirt is a petty criminal.
The reason for it is because you don't have that pressure to be 'cool' in these sorts of nightclubs. 'Cool' means something completely different in these establishments - there are a whole new set of rules. If you want to go clubbing with great aunt Gertie, or wear a £5 plastic nurses dress, or even go out in what you wore to your shift at the local chippy - It's fine. Thats the point. No one gives a monkeys. However, there are still a number of tips on how to go clubbing in any English town. Here are a few handy hints -
1. Firstly, don't worry about blending in with the locals. Fashion is not specific to where you are geographically. For men, black loafers, or even trainers, coupled with ill fitting black trousers, and a crease effect white shirt will guarantee you will fit in. If it is a particularly chilly night, why not couple your outfit with a tracksuit top? Make sure the logo is clearly visible - you don't want any of the locals to think you are poor. A pierced ear here and highlights there for that David Beckham touch will really let you go unoticed.
Girls, well, this one is easy. Firstly, make sure you have roots. Natural hair colour, or even well kept dyed hair is just not the norm for clubbers here. Wear a tiny denim mini skirt and sparkly top, and make sure you have plenty of make up on. Wear with your stilettos for a truly stunning look. Don't worry - you won't stand out.
2. Make sure you drink before you go out. You don't want to wander around a dark town centre full of vomit, stale kebabs and crime sober do you? The key motto here is "If you can't beat them, join them" Theres no point looking at men urinating on walls or girls with their skirts around their ankles with a withering look, they won't notice. Instead, smash up a bus stop or throw your kebab around for instant brownie points with your peers.
3. There is only one way to dance in these nightclubs. It is relatively easy, and what you might call a mating ritual for the masses. Men, if you see a particularly attractive female, don't buy her a drink or ask her her name. Simply go up to her from behind - almost like a lion jumping in for the kill, if you like - and thrust your pelvis into her bottom, but cleverly giving the appearance that it is actually a dance move. Grinning to your friends and winking will get the message across. To determine whether your selected female is interested, she should do either of two things. If she turns around, and begins to hump your leg, then you are in. If she kicks you inbetween the legs and storms off to get her crew of lookalikes, then I'm afraid you need to move on. Girls - If you want to make an impression, simply go to the middle of the dance floor, and trying to make your dance bear some relation to the song, stick your derriere out and wiggle your hips. Do this continually until the man of your dreams comes over and performs the above ritual.
4. Kebab house etiquette. Firstly, do not ask for anything other than a donner kebab, chips, or a can of coke. It is incredibly rude of you to expect the poor assistant to rustle you up anything taxing - this means bottles of water, chicken burgers and salads are out of the question. If you stick to this, you will get served quicker and therefore you will be less likely to be elbowed in the face. Feel free to smoke inside the eatery - everyone else does. In fact, only wait outside if you need the toilet.
5. Taxi rank etiquette. Get a friend to pretend to know the really really drunk girl sat down. While they are having a conversation, slip up to the window to claim your ticket. Waiting for a taxi is very similar to waiting for ham at the deli in Tescos, just everyone is completely trollied. It is the norm to use this time to have a fight, or perhaps copulate in the toilets. If you are feeling particularly daring, you could also sit down and wait. Remember, it is best to be sick in the street as taxis usually carry a hefty fine for vomiting in a car.
If you can follow these guidlines, then you will be able to go clubbing in a variety of different venues all over the British Isles. Of course, not every town centre is like this - some actually have order and respect, but for the majority, this guide should serve them well.
First things first - yes, there are lots of fantastic nightclubs outside of London. There are funky clubs, original clubs, classy clubs, even dare I say it - Fashionable nightclubs. Of course though these are probably not the ones most people experience around the UK so whats the point in focusing on the nightclubs that only a select few, or those who can be bothered go to. The main topic here ladies and gentlemen, is the dark underbelly of Englands grey, faceless towns and cities - the nightlife where, as some newspapers would say, 'families and pensionsers stay away'.
Well firstly, this is not true. It is perfectly fine to go clubbing with your family. In fact, in one club in the west country, there is a gentlemen who is at least 70, who is the first one on the dancefloor, and is usually totally inebriated, every night. Words to him would be along the lines of 'fair play'. Of course though, this does not count as binge drinking, as he is a certain age, therefore it becomes 'social drinking'. You may not be aware of this, but only those in the age group of 18 - 30 can be guilty of binge drinking - just like any youth aged 10 - 20 wearing a hooded sweatshirt is a petty criminal.
The reason for it is because you don't have that pressure to be 'cool' in these sorts of nightclubs. 'Cool' means something completely different in these establishments - there are a whole new set of rules. If you want to go clubbing with great aunt Gertie, or wear a £5 plastic nurses dress, or even go out in what you wore to your shift at the local chippy - It's fine. Thats the point. No one gives a monkeys. However, there are still a number of tips on how to go clubbing in any English town. Here are a few handy hints -
1. Firstly, don't worry about blending in with the locals. Fashion is not specific to where you are geographically. For men, black loafers, or even trainers, coupled with ill fitting black trousers, and a crease effect white shirt will guarantee you will fit in. If it is a particularly chilly night, why not couple your outfit with a tracksuit top? Make sure the logo is clearly visible - you don't want any of the locals to think you are poor. A pierced ear here and highlights there for that David Beckham touch will really let you go unoticed.
Girls, well, this one is easy. Firstly, make sure you have roots. Natural hair colour, or even well kept dyed hair is just not the norm for clubbers here. Wear a tiny denim mini skirt and sparkly top, and make sure you have plenty of make up on. Wear with your stilettos for a truly stunning look. Don't worry - you won't stand out.
2. Make sure you drink before you go out. You don't want to wander around a dark town centre full of vomit, stale kebabs and crime sober do you? The key motto here is "If you can't beat them, join them" Theres no point looking at men urinating on walls or girls with their skirts around their ankles with a withering look, they won't notice. Instead, smash up a bus stop or throw your kebab around for instant brownie points with your peers.
3. There is only one way to dance in these nightclubs. It is relatively easy, and what you might call a mating ritual for the masses. Men, if you see a particularly attractive female, don't buy her a drink or ask her her name. Simply go up to her from behind - almost like a lion jumping in for the kill, if you like - and thrust your pelvis into her bottom, but cleverly giving the appearance that it is actually a dance move. Grinning to your friends and winking will get the message across. To determine whether your selected female is interested, she should do either of two things. If she turns around, and begins to hump your leg, then you are in. If she kicks you inbetween the legs and storms off to get her crew of lookalikes, then I'm afraid you need to move on. Girls - If you want to make an impression, simply go to the middle of the dance floor, and trying to make your dance bear some relation to the song, stick your derriere out and wiggle your hips. Do this continually until the man of your dreams comes over and performs the above ritual.
4. Kebab house etiquette. Firstly, do not ask for anything other than a donner kebab, chips, or a can of coke. It is incredibly rude of you to expect the poor assistant to rustle you up anything taxing - this means bottles of water, chicken burgers and salads are out of the question. If you stick to this, you will get served quicker and therefore you will be less likely to be elbowed in the face. Feel free to smoke inside the eatery - everyone else does. In fact, only wait outside if you need the toilet.
5. Taxi rank etiquette. Get a friend to pretend to know the really really drunk girl sat down. While they are having a conversation, slip up to the window to claim your ticket. Waiting for a taxi is very similar to waiting for ham at the deli in Tescos, just everyone is completely trollied. It is the norm to use this time to have a fight, or perhaps copulate in the toilets. If you are feeling particularly daring, you could also sit down and wait. Remember, it is best to be sick in the street as taxis usually carry a hefty fine for vomiting in a car.
If you can follow these guidlines, then you will be able to go clubbing in a variety of different venues all over the British Isles. Of course, not every town centre is like this - some actually have order and respect, but for the majority, this guide should serve them well.
