The Penguin
Created | Updated Aug 7, 2008
The name "penguin" was originally used for the great auk of Newfoundland (now extinct). Its meaning shifted, in 1588, to the Antarctic bird (which looks something like it, found by Drake in Magellan's Straits in 1578). Of unknown origin, the name is often asserted to be from Welsh "pen" (meaning head) and "gwyn" (meaning white, as in Gwendolyn). The great auk had a large white patch between its bill and eye. Penguins, as it is well known, are small, black-and-white, oval shaped birds, which are currently rated as the number one threat to human civilization on earth. Their sole purpose in existence seems to be the destruction on the earth, a task that they will almost certainly accomplish, due to their superior numbers and intelligence, the ignorance of the common man, and tea (of which they have mass amounts at their disposal).
Penguins are among the most social of all birds. This enables them to create vast networks of highly organized clans across the globe. In addition, as the great philosopher discovered, they are able to occupy the unused 9/10 of the human brain in order hide their numbers. It is almost impossible, at any one time, to tell just how many penguins there actually are. In the presence of humans, they often pretend to be flightless, though they have been observed, unbeknownst to them, to be actually quite speedy avians, with deadly accurate dive-bombing skills. Penguins have more feathers than most other birds, with about 70 feathers per square inch, creating almost infallible body armor. Their communication usually takes the form of vocalization or body signals. There are three main kinds of penguin calls. The contact call is usually used at sea to assist in visual recognition of colony members. The display call is the most complex of all the calls and is used between partners in a colony to coordinate the ranks. The threat call is the simplest and is used to terrify their prey. The penguin fights not with arms, but through mind control, pitting human against penguin-controlled human. It is almost impossible, at any one time, to tell just how many enslaved, penguin-minion humans there actually are.
The only way for Earth to defend herself against such a devastating enemy is constant vigilance. The public must be warned, so that they may be on constant alert against the penguins' brain thieving techniques. This is made all the more difficult with the media being controlled tightly and most UN leaders being firmly in their flippers.
So far, there are only a few ways to avoid hostile penguin mind control:
1) Avoid zoos
2) Avoid coastlines
3) Wear as many hats as possible as often as possible
4) Severe sunburn - Penguins seem to have an aversion to anything red that is not human blood
5) Keep your towel and your Vaseline on hand, accessible, and within reach at all times
6) If you are attacked (and notice it), the best defense is to tie your towel about your neck (penguins are always wary of superheroes), coat your eyes, ears, and other bodily orifices in Vaseline, and (most importantly) RUN AWAY.
7) Keep to crowded areas. If you can breath, they can get you.
Please, pass this information along to as many people as possible. The world must be alerted. If things remain in the state they are in now, we face certain extinction.
Penguins are among the most social of all birds. This enables them to create vast networks of highly organized clans across the globe. In addition, as the great philosopher discovered, they are able to occupy the unused 9/10 of the human brain in order hide their numbers. It is almost impossible, at any one time, to tell just how many penguins there actually are. In the presence of humans, they often pretend to be flightless, though they have been observed, unbeknownst to them, to be actually quite speedy avians, with deadly accurate dive-bombing skills. Penguins have more feathers than most other birds, with about 70 feathers per square inch, creating almost infallible body armor. Their communication usually takes the form of vocalization or body signals. There are three main kinds of penguin calls. The contact call is usually used at sea to assist in visual recognition of colony members. The display call is the most complex of all the calls and is used between partners in a colony to coordinate the ranks. The threat call is the simplest and is used to terrify their prey. The penguin fights not with arms, but through mind control, pitting human against penguin-controlled human. It is almost impossible, at any one time, to tell just how many enslaved, penguin-minion humans there actually are.
The only way for Earth to defend herself against such a devastating enemy is constant vigilance. The public must be warned, so that they may be on constant alert against the penguins' brain thieving techniques. This is made all the more difficult with the media being controlled tightly and most UN leaders being firmly in their flippers.
So far, there are only a few ways to avoid hostile penguin mind control:
1) Avoid zoos
2) Avoid coastlines
3) Wear as many hats as possible as often as possible
4) Severe sunburn - Penguins seem to have an aversion to anything red that is not human blood
5) Keep your towel and your Vaseline on hand, accessible, and within reach at all times
6) If you are attacked (and notice it), the best defense is to tie your towel about your neck (penguins are always wary of superheroes), coat your eyes, ears, and other bodily orifices in Vaseline, and (most importantly) RUN AWAY.
7) Keep to crowded areas. If you can breath, they can get you.
Please, pass this information along to as many people as possible. The world must be alerted. If things remain in the state they are in now, we face certain extinction.
