The Tequila Suicide
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
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<p>The tequila suicide is one of the most wonderful forms of alcoholic abuse known to mankind. Described as depraved, astonishing, refreshing, debilitating, deadly, and more rock n roll than a Pan-Galactic Gargleblaster, it is probably most notable as being the best way to <i>really</i> create one of those awkward hushes that usually only occur when you enter a pub somewhere in the middle of nowhere.</p>
<p>To enjoy a Tequila Suicide it is necessary to have:</p>
<ul>
<li>A bar to hang on to. Any will do. Some recommend busy nightclubs, others quiet pubs with plenty of farmers and peasants about. All agree that well-endowed barmaids are probably essential.
<li>As many friends to perform the drink with as possible...or perhaps enemies.
<li>Tequila. The more the better. A full glass is typical (about 6-8 shots) though it is acceptable to use the bottle. Depending on the generosity of said barmaid.
<li>Salt.
<li>Lemon. Preferably sliced.
<li>A blatant disregard for a long lifespan.
</ul>
<p>The actual drinking of the Tequila Suicide is something of an art-form, requiring great self-discipline, Zen-like determination, and true hand-eye coordination (eye, singular...see below).</p>
<p>Once everyone is prepared along the length of the bar it is somewhat customary to meditate a moment on the purity of the Tequila, the succulent yellowness of the lemon, the...saltiness of the salt.</p>
<p>Let the drinking begin....</p>
<p>First, the salt should be snorted enthusiastically into the nostril of your choice. Any will do. Really. Then the head should be tilted back at an angle approximating 45 degrees or so to speed the salt on its journey through the nasal cavity. This prepares you for the next stage.</p>
<p>Next, the lemon should be squeezed directly into the open eye. Again it doesn't matter which, though it is a good idea to remove your sunglasses. This is one of those rare moments its difficult to look really cool in shades</p>
<p>By now your nervous system should be jumbling to itself about which pain it should inform your brain about first, giving you the chance to get down to the real point. Quickly consume as much tequila as is humanly possible in the time you have!</p>
<p>If you've done this right, you should be able to empty your wallet in a pretty amazing amount of time. Not to mention cause severe and possibly irreparable damage to your nose, eye, and liver in the process, scare the hell out of the locals of whatever establishments you wander in and out of, and quite possibly wake up next to something which could be extraterrestrial life. Enjoy.</p>
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<p>The tequila suicide is one of the most wonderful forms of alcoholic abuse known to mankind. Described as depraved, astonishing, refreshing, debilitating, deadly, and more rock n roll than a Pan-Galactic Gargleblaster, it is probably most notable as being the best way to <i>really</i> create one of those awkward hushes that usually only occur when you enter a pub somewhere in the middle of nowhere.</p>
<p>To enjoy a Tequila Suicide it is necessary to have:</p>
<ul>
<li>A bar to hang on to. Any will do. Some recommend busy nightclubs, others quiet pubs with plenty of farmers and peasants about. All agree that well-endowed barmaids are probably essential.
<li>As many friends to perform the drink with as possible...or perhaps enemies.
<li>Tequila. The more the better. A full glass is typical (about 6-8 shots) though it is acceptable to use the bottle. Depending on the generosity of said barmaid.
<li>Salt.
<li>Lemon. Preferably sliced.
<li>A blatant disregard for a long lifespan.
</ul>
<p>The actual drinking of the Tequila Suicide is something of an art-form, requiring great self-discipline, Zen-like determination, and true hand-eye coordination (eye, singular...see below).</p>
<p>Once everyone is prepared along the length of the bar it is somewhat customary to meditate a moment on the purity of the Tequila, the succulent yellowness of the lemon, the...saltiness of the salt.</p>
<p>Let the drinking begin....</p>
<p>First, the salt should be snorted enthusiastically into the nostril of your choice. Any will do. Really. Then the head should be tilted back at an angle approximating 45 degrees or so to speed the salt on its journey through the nasal cavity. This prepares you for the next stage.</p>
<p>Next, the lemon should be squeezed directly into the open eye. Again it doesn't matter which, though it is a good idea to remove your sunglasses. This is one of those rare moments its difficult to look really cool in shades</p>
<p>By now your nervous system should be jumbling to itself about which pain it should inform your brain about first, giving you the chance to get down to the real point. Quickly consume as much tequila as is humanly possible in the time you have!</p>
<p>If you've done this right, you should be able to empty your wallet in a pretty amazing amount of time. Not to mention cause severe and possibly irreparable damage to your nose, eye, and liver in the process, scare the hell out of the locals of whatever establishments you wander in and out of, and quite possibly wake up next to something which could be extraterrestrial life. Enjoy.</p>
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