Jester's Condescending English Dictionary - W

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Walters' Rulen
All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
on a plane that left Gate 1.
If it breaks, both halves are yours.
Someone who gets out of the shower to take a p**s.
Watership Down
You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
Watson's Lawn
The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
number and significance of any persons watching it.
"We'll look into it"
By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
assume you will have forgotten about it, too.
An index of the lack of development of a culture.
A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes
to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become supportable.

-- Ambrose Bierce
Weed's Axiomn
Never ask two questions in a business letter.
The reply will discuss the one in which you are
least interested and say nothing about the other.
Weiler's Lawn
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Weinberg's First Lawn
Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
Weinberg's Principlen
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Weinberg's Second Lawn
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Weiner's Law
of Libraries
There are no answers, only cross references.
The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
Welsh Rarebitn
A Cardiff virgin.
A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
couple of hours in the library.
(1) A snore-gasm.

(2) Overnight sensation.
Wethern's Lawn
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
When asked the
definition of "pi"

The Mathematician:

Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
circumference of a circle and its diameter.

The Physicist:

Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.

The Engineer:

Pi is about 3.
Whistler's Lawn
You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
White's Statementn
Don't lose heart!

Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:

...they might want to cut it out...

Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:

...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
Whitehead's Lawn
The obvious answer is always overlooked.
Wiker's Lawn
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Widows 95n
Women who don't have an e-male.
Wilcox's Lawn
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
William Safire's
Rules for Writers
pl, n
Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be
used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with
their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread
your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be
avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of
view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a
preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse
exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long
sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully,
dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of
a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be
careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last
but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
Williams and
Holland's Law
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical
Wilner's Observationn
All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
Knowing what to do with what you know.
The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
... by leaving it out.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Something to thwow at a wabbit.
A man who knows all the ankles.
An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.

-- Bierce
Wombat's Laws of
Computer Selection
(1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.

(2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.

(3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)

(4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.

(5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.

-- Rich Kulawiec
Woodward's Lawn
A theory is better than its explanation.
People would rather live with a problem they cannot
solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
Word Processern
The guy who decides if a word should be added to the language.
The blessed respite from screaming kids and
soap operas for which you actually get paid.
Work Rulen
Leave of Absence (for an Operation):

We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any
thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not
consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have
anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
World Wide Webn
Sticky substance which clings to the computer terminals of teenage boys.

-- Good News Week *2
Worst Month
of the Year

February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.

-- Steve Rubenstein
Worst Vegetable
of the Year

The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.

-- Steve Rubenstein
write-protect tabn
A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary

-- Robb Russon
What you see is fake hair.

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