# Jester's Condescending English Dictionary - T

Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002

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Tablet | n | A small table. |

tacky | adj | Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions. |

Tapas | n | Spanish for "not enough food". _{See also Continental breakfast, Dim Sum and Nouvelle cuisine} |

Taphephobia | n | Fear of being buried alive. _{See also Ballistophobia, Otophobia, Peccatophobia, Sitophobia, Trichophobia and Vestiphobia} |

Tax | n | A fine for doing well. _{See also Fine} |

tear leather | v | To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore his leather jerkin' off." |

tearing off a quicky: | v | Gunning the jump. |

Texan | adj | A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma. |

Text | n | When someone becomes a Texan. |

Theorem: a cathas nine tails | Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. | |

Theorem: All positiveintegers are equal | Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. Proceed by induction: If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B. Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. | |

Theory of SelectiveSupervision | n | The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks through the office. |

theory | n | System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good it will look in print. |

There are threeways to get something done | pl, n | (1) Do it yourself. (2) Hire someone to do it for you. (3) Forbid your kids to do it. |

The Third Law of Photography | n | If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out. |

thorny | adj | A thailor at thea. |

Thought | n | Girls get minks the same way minks get minks! |

The three biggestsoftware lies | pl, n | (1) *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source. (2) *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from will fix the microcode. (3) Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site. |

The three laws of thermodynamics: | pl, n | (1) You can't get anything without working for it. (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. |

Three rules forsounding like an expert | n | (1) Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. (2) Always point out second-order effects, but never point out when they can be ignored. (3) Come up with three rules of your own. |

The three rules ofinternational air travel | pl, n | (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used to be Braniff or Aeroflot). (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you know *exactly* what you're doing. (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own. |

three-bag ugly | adj | That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep it from howling. _{See also four-bag ugly} |

Thyme's Law | n | Everything goes wrong at once. |

timesharing | n | An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. |

today | n | A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long. |

toilet toupee | n | Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus creating endless annoyance to male users. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |

Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life | n | If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault. |

tourist | n | A pretty girl in Oklahoma. |

transfer | n | A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. |

transparent | adj | Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. "It's there, but you can't see it" _{See also virtual}-- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964. |

transvestite | n | (1) Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. (2) Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad. |

travel | n | Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. |

Trichophobia | n | Fear of hair. _{See also Ballistophobia, Otophobia, Peccatophobia, Sitophobia, Taphephobia and Vestiphobia} |

True Love | n | An injection with affection to the midsection from a projection without objection. |

"Trust me" | (1) Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor." (2) Los Angeles for "F*** you, your mother, and the horse she rode in on." | |

Truthful | adj | Dumb and illiterate. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |

Tsort's Constant | n | 1.67563, or precisely 1,237.98712567 times the difference between the distance to the sun and the weight of a small orange. -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" (slightly modified) |

TSR | n | Someone who says mean things about you. |

Tumor | n | An extra pair. |

Turnaucka's Law | n | The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. |

Tussman's Law | n | Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. |