Jester's Condescending English Dictionary - P

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P (piano or soft)n
The neighbours have complained. See also F, Crescendo, PP and FF
PPn
The neighbours are at the door. See also P, F, Crescendo and FF
painn
(1) One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!

(2) Falling out of a twenty story building,
and snagging your eyelid on a nail.

(3) Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
Paintingn
The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
exposing them to the critic.

-- Ambrose Bierce
Pandora's Rulen
Never open a box you didn't close.
panicn
The first time you can't do it a second time.
See also anxiety
Paprika Measuren
2 dashes == 1smidgen

2 smidgens == 1 pinch

3 pinches == 1 soupcon

2 soupcons == 2 much paprika
Parallel Portn
A port next to another one.
paranoian
A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
Pardo's First
Postulate
n
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.


Arnold's Addendum:

Everything else causes cancer in rats.
Parentspl, n
Couples who practice the Rhythm Method.
Parker's Lawn
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Parkinson's
Fifth Law
n
If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
Parkinson's
Fourth Law
n
The number of people in any working group tends to increase
regardless of the amount of work to be done.
partyn
A gathering where you meet people who drink
so much you can't even remember their names.
Pascaln
A programming language named after a man who would turn over
in his grave if he knew about it.

-- Datamation, January 15, 1984
Passwordn
Patageometryn
The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
under brain transplants.
patentn
A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
Paul's Lawspl, n
(1) In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.

(2) You can't fall off the floor.
paycheckn
The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
Peacen
In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Peccatophobian
Fear of sinning.See also Ballistophobia, Otophobia, Sitophobia, Taphephobia, Trichophobia and Vestiphobia
Pecor's Health-Food
Principle
n
Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it.
Pedaerationn
The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.

-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
pediddeln
A car with only one working headlight.

-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Peeping Tomn
A window fan.
Peers's Lawn
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
Pelvisn
Second cousin to Elvis.
Penguin Trivia #46n
Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.

-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
pensionn
A federally insured chain letter.
People's
Action Rules
pl, n
(1) Some people who can, shouldn't.

(2) Some people who should, won't.

(3) Some people who shouldn't, will.

(4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.

(5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
perfect guestn
One who makes his host feel at home.
Performancen
A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
pessimistn
A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
wolf from the door.
See also opportunist and optimist
Peter Principlen
Promotion happens until the level of incompetence.
Peter's Law of
Substitution
n
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves.
Peter's Principle
of Success
n
Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
Peternityn
Responsibility for a pet for a long, long time.
Peterson's
Admonition
n
When you think you're going down for the third time -- just remember that you may have counted wrong.
Peterson's Rulespl, n
(1) Trucks that overturn on freeways are filled with something sticky.

(2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.

(3) Things that tick are not always clocks.

(4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
petribarn
Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
the window of a vending machine too long.

-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Phases of a
Project
pl, n
(1)
Exultation.

(2)
Disenchantment.

(3)
Confusion.

(4)
Search for the Guilty.

(5)
Punishment for the Innocent.

(6)
Distinction for the Uninvolved.
philosophyn
(1) The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.

(2) Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
phosflinkv
To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
will bring it back to life).

-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Pickle's Lawn
If Congress must do a painful thing,
the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
Pign
An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
pile drivern
Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice.
Pimpn
(1) Nookie Bookie.

(2) Public relations man for a public relations girl.
pixeln
A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
platonic friendshipn
What develops when two people get tired of making love to each other.
pocket pooln
Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
For women, it's playing the slots.
Pohl's lawn
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
poisoned coffeen
Grounds for divorce.
polish flyn
You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
Politiciann
(1) An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared
with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


(2) From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
"face," as in "tete-a-tete:" head to head or face to face). Hence
"polytetien," a person of two or more faces.

-- Martin Pitt
politicsn
A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

-- Ambrose Bierce
Pollyanna's
Educational
Constant
n
The hyperactive child is never absent.
polygonn
Dead parrot.
Poorman's Rulen
When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser package,
you always get hold of the closed end and try to pull it open.
Pornographyn
Cliterature.
Portableadj
Survives system reboot.
Positiveadj
Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Post-operativeadj
A letter carrier.
povertyn
An unfortunate state that persists as long
as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
Powern
The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
prairiesn
Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
prayn
To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

-- Ambrose Bierce
premature
ejaculation
n
A spoilspurt.
premature
ejaculator
n
Troubled shooter.
Premenstrual
Syndrome
n
Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time.
Primevaladj
Being really good at being really bad!
promotionn
New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
promotion
from within
v
A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
level where they can't foul up operations.
Proteinn
In favour of young people.
Psychoceramicsn
The study of crackpots.
psychologistn
Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
into a room.
pubic hairn
Organic dental floss.
Puritanismn
the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

-- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"

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