Jester's Condescending English Dictionary - O
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
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| O'Brian's Law | n | Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. |
| O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen | n | Cleanliness is next to impossible |
| O'Riordan's Theorem | n | Brains x Beauty = Constant. Purmal's Corollary: As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availability goes to zero. |
| O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law | n | Murphy was an optimist. |
| Occam's eraser | n | The philosophical principle that even the simplest solution is bound to have something wrong with it. |
| Occident | n | The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| Ocean | n | A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills. |
| Odious | adj | Not very good poetry. |
| Office Automation | n | The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. |
| Official Project Stages | n | (1) Uncritical Acceptance (2) Wild Enthusiasm (3) Dejected Disillusionment (4) Total Confusion (5) Search for the Guilty (6) Punishment of the Innocent (7) Promotion of the Non-participants |
| Ogden's Law | n | The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. |
| Old Japanese proverb | n | There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, and those who climb it twice. |
| Old timer | n | One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. |
| Oliver's Law | n | Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. |
| Olmstead's Law | n | After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. |
| omnibiblious | adj | Indifferent to type of drink. Eg: "Oh, you can get me anything. I'm omnibiblious." |
| On Brassieres | Russian: Uplifts the masses. Salvation Army: Raises the fallen. American: Makes mountains out of molehills. | |
| On-line | adj | The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. |
| Once | adv | Enough. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| One Page Principle | n | A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood. -- Mark Ardis |
| "One size fits all" | adj | Doesn't fit anyone. |
| One-Shot Case Study | n | The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green. |
| Operating System | n | Cut, adjust, sew. |
| opportunist | n | A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. See also optimist and pessimist |
| Optimism | n | The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious. |
| optimist | n | (1) A proponent of the belief that black is white. A pessimist asked God for relief. "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that would justify them." "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked something -- the mortality of the optimist." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" (2) A bagpiper with a beeper. (3) A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of his pants.See also opportunist and pessimist (4) A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date. (5) Someone who goes down to the marriage bureau to see if his license has expired. |
| oral contraceptive | n | The word "No". |
| oral sex | n | The taste of things to come. |
| Oregano | n | The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. |
| Oregon | n | Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night. |
| Organic | adj | Musical. |
| Orgy | n | Grope Therapy. |
| Osborn's Law | n | Variables won't; constants aren't. |
| Ostiopornosis | n | A degenerate disease. |
| Otophobia | n | Fear of opening one's eyes.See also Ballistophobia, Peccatophobia, Sitophobia, Taphephobia, Trichophobia and Vestiphobia |
| Outpatient | n | A person who has fainted. |
| Oxymoron | n | Microsoft Works. |
| Ozman's Laws | pl, n | (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. |
