Jester's Condescending English Dictionary - L

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Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
From mud slides to brush fires.
One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Lackland's Lawsn
(1) Never be first.

(2) Never be last.

(3) Never volunteer for anything
A grandfather clock which doesn't work.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.

-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
To make fun of sheep.
Langsam's Lawspl, n
(1) Everything depends.

(2) Nothing is always.

(3) Everything is sometimes.
Larkinson's Lawn
All laws are basically false.
Failed death ray.
Laura's Lawn
No child throws up in the bathroom.
Law of
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
area of misunderstanding.
Law of
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.
Law of Probable
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law of
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has
the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
Law of Selective
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jenning's Corollary:

The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side
down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Law of the Perversity of Nature:
You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Law of the
He who hesitates is lunch.
Law of
the Yukon
Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
Laws of
pl, n
(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.

(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.

(6) The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.

(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
the programmer who must maintain it.
Laws of
pl, n
(1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something.

(2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
be engaged in making an inferior one.
A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.

-- Ambrose Bierce
Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
Lawyer's Rulen
When the law is against you, argue the facts.

When the facts are against you, argue the law.

When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
Lazlo's Chinese
Relativity Axiom
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
quicker you can do it.
Lee's Lawn
Mother said there would be days like this,
but she never said that there'd be so many!
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
Lemma: All
horses are
the same color

Proof (by induction):
Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
horses in that set are the same color.
Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
horses are the same color.

Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.

Proof (by intimidation):
Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
Lewis's Law
of Travel
The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone,
(1)A lawyer with a roving commission.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

(2)one who tells an unpleasant truth.

-- Oliver Herford
Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
discovered to date.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
(1) A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

(2) Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.

(3) That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.

(4) A sexually-transmitted terminal disease.
A tall building on the seashore in which the government
maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
Linus' Lawn
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
To call a spade a thpade.
Little Known Factn
Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
the BMW repair garage?
Something a bank will give you if you can prove you don't need it.
Long Shot
The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
Logic Circuitn
A tour of Albert Einstein's house.
Log Offv
Don't add any more wood. See also Log On, Monitor, Download and Floppy Disc
Log Onv
Make the barbie hotter. See also Log On, Monitor, Download and Floppy Disc
Loop, EndlessnSee Endless Loop
-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
loven,vn(1)Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.

(2)When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.

(3)When you don't want someone too close--because you're very sensitive
to pleasure.

(4)When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.

(5)When, if asked to choose between your lover
and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.

vI'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
Lowery's Lawn
If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Lubarsky's Law
of Cybernetic Entomology
There's always one more bug.
When you have a wife and a cigarette lighter -- both of which work.
Lunatic Asylumn
The place where optimism most flourishes.
Someone who picks up a female hitch-hiker walking home from a date.

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