Jester's Condescending English Dictionary - K

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Kafka's Lawn
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

-- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
Where the men are men and so are the women!
of Snack
Food Packages
For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
package of snack food.

Gibson the Cat's Corrolary:
For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
of lunch meat.
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer, man.
Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only
one problem with this definition: what the f**k are "buckwheat
groats"? *I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't
help *you* much.

-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
Katz' Lawn
Men and nations will act rationally when
all other possibilities have been exhausted.
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
exhausted all other alternatives.

-- Abba Eban
Kaufman's Lawn
A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
First Law of
Party Physics
Population density is inversely proportional
to the square of the distance from the keg.
Keep in mind
always the four
constant Laws
of Frisbee
pl, n
(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
force is technically termed "car suck").

(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
than "Watch this!"

(3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.

(4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
in the head and knock you silly.
Market Theorem
Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
you've got to go broke.
Kent's Heuristicn
Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
of corn.
2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
metal object used as part of the monetary system.
A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
traditions of sorcery and black art.
Kerr's Three Rules
for a Successful
pl, n
Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
for the students, and parking for the faculty.
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
Kime's Law for
the Reward
of Meekness
Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
An affliction of the blood.
Law of
If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
part of the paper.
First Law
Responsibility always exceeds authority.
Second Law
All the easy problems have been solved.
Fear of Germans.
A rich thief.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Kliban's First
Law of Dining
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
distressing whole.

-- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
Knebel's Lawn
It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
causes of statistics.
Things you believe.
Kramer's Lawn
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.

-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact,
an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
during orgasm.

Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.

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