Jester's Condescending English Dictionary - I

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[International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.

Alledged to stand for:

I Beg Mercy

I Blame Microsoft

I Bought Macintosh

I've been mislead

I've Been Moved

Idiots Become Managers

Idiots Bewilderment Machine

Idiots Bought Me

Idiots Buy More

Illustrative of Bad Marketing

Immense Bins of Money

Immense Bucket of Manure

Imperialism By Marketing

Impossible to Buy Machine

Impractical But Marketable

In a Befuddled Manner

In Business for Money

Incredible Bunch of Muffinheads

Incredibly Big Machine

Industry's Biggest Mistake

Insipid Brainless Monster

Insolense Breeds Mediocrity

Installed By Masochists

Institute of Broken Minds

Intensely Boring Machines

International Beurocracy Merchants

International Brotherhood of Mercenaries

Involuntary Bowel Movement

It Beats Mattel

It Boggles the Mind

It's Better Manually

It's Broken Mummy

Itty-Bitty Machines

It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
IBM's original motton
Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
IBM Pollyanna
Machines should work. People should think.
A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
idiot boxn
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Leisure gone to seed.
Eyes that refuse to look at anything.
The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"

-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
Iles's Lawn
There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
Neither will Iles.
Imbesi's Law with
Freeman's Extension
In order for something to become clean, something else must
become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
anything clean.
Three Rules of
pl, n
(1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.

(2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.

(3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
conflicting opinions.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
(1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;

(2) I can't be bothered;
(3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may
perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.

-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
impotent losern
Someone who can't even get his hopes up.
A catch basin for everything you don't want to deal with, but
are afraid to throw away.
incentive programn
The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
keep it."
(1) Relatively boring. See also necrophilia (1)
(2) Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
INCOME: What you have to make first, because you can't make it last.
Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.

-- Ambrose Bierce
When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
in Constantinople, one who does.

-- Ambrose Bierce
A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to
tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of
idiocy and promote intellectual crime.

-- H.L. Mencken
To annoy people.
An Italian suppository.
Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
favorite words.

Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
the person who told it to you.
An archaic school where football is not taught. See also Academy
The feeling you get upon receiving a rebate from
the Tax man that is subsequently quashed when you realise that
it was your money in the first place.
What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
burned out employees must feign.
Where dolphins go.

-- Good News Week *2
One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
Iron Law of
Them that has, gets.
A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
ISO applicationsn
A solution in search of a problem!
Issawi's Laws
of Progress
pl, n
The Course of Progress:

Most things get steadily worse.

The Path of Progress:

A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
"It's in

So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
are often slanted to the left.

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