Jester's Condescending English Dictionary - H

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H. L. Mencken's Lawn
Those who can -- do.

Those who can't -- teach.

Martin's Extension:

Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
Hacker's Lawn
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
(1)A master byter.

(2)Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the
mythical philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather
in a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by
candlelight, and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending
the following ditty:

Hacker's Fight Song

He's a Hack! He's a Hack!

He's a guy with the happy knack!

Never bungles, never shirks,

Always gets his stuff to work!

All take a drink (important!)
Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute
Hale Mail Rule, Then
When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
one of the following:

(a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.

(b) Stationery.

(c) Postage stamp.

(d) The letter you are answering.
This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
difference between life and death.

You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?

-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
Hall's Laws
of Politics
pl, n
(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.

(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
something fixed.

(3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
military spending, and conservatives social spending in
their own districts).
A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Handel's Proverbn
You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
handshaking protocoln
A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a
terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
A coat hook.
(1)The burden of proof.

(2)The wrath of grapes.
Hanlon's Razorn
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained
by stupidity.
Hanson's Treatment
of Time
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
before Saturday.
(1) An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

(2) Finding the owner of a lost bikini.

(3) Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
of other people.
The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Harriet's Dining
In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
Harris's Lamentn
All the good ones are taken.
Harrisberger's Fourth
Law of the Lab
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
First Law
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
Second Law
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

My corollary:

The completely psychotic have all the fun.
Harvard Lawn
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
organism will do as it damn well pleases.
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole
What you are left in when your computer crashes.
A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
expound your own.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
A male teabag.
Truth seen too late.
Heller's Lawn
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Johnson's Corollary:

Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
Hempstone's Questionn
If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
henpecked husbandn
One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
See also cad
Hen's Partyn
A bunch of birds cackling about who is laying whom.
The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive.
Much better.
Herth's Lawn
He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
peers similarly engaged.
High Fidelityn
A drunk who always goes home to his wife.
High Level Languagen
How the posh people talk.
High Performance PCn
One which throws a lot of tantrums.
high technologyn
A California innovation composed of equal parts of silicon and
Hildebrant's Principlen
If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full
of surprises.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from
what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.

-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
Staple Principle
The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to
staple something.
Hlade's Lawn
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
they will find an easier way to do it.
Hoare's Law of
Large Problems
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Hoffer's Discoveryn
The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
Hofstadter's Lawn
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
A short period of doting between dating and debting.

-- Ray C. Bandy
Almost as good as in 'er.
Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as,
"the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Callgirl getting up in the morning.
Horner's Five
Thumb Postulate
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
Household hintn
If you are out of cream for your coffee, mayonnaise makes a
dandy substitute.
Howe's Lawn
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Hubbard's Lawn
Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
A singing cockroach.
Hurewitz's Memory
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
to... to... uh.....
A yank greeting a gal called Cynthia.

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