Jester's Condescending English Dictionary - C
Created | Updated Apr 12, 2002
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| C | n | A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't. -- Ray Simard |
| Cabbage | n | (1) A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" (2) The fare you pay a taxi driver. |
| Cache | n | A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there. |
| cad | n | A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant. See also henpecked husband |
| Caesarean Section | n | A district in Rome. |
| Cahn's Axiom | n | When all else fails, read the instructions. |
| California | n | From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." -- Ed Moran, Covina, California |
| callgirl | n | A negotiable blonde. |
| Camille's Axiom | n | If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching. |
| Campbell's Law | n | Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. |
| Canada Bill Jones's Motto | n | It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. |
| Canonical | adj | The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" Stallman: "What did he say?" Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." |
| Captain Penny's Law | n | You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. |
| Carperpetuation | n | The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| Carson's Consolation | n | Nothing is ever a complete failure. It can always be used as a bad example. |
| Carson's Observation on Footwear | n | If the shoe fits, buy the other one too. |
| Carswell's Corollary | n | Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature invariably comes up with a better mouse. |
| Cat | n | Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. |
| Catatonic | n | Feline medicinal drink? |
| cerebral atrophy | n | The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. |
| cerebral darwinism | n | The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic performance actually increases beyond previous levels. |
| Chamberlain's Laws | pl, n | (1) The big guys always win. (2) Everything tastes more or less like chicken. |
| chaos | n | Four women plus one luncheon check. See also bedlam, confusion and excitement |
| character density | n | The number of very weird people in the office. |
| Charity | n | A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. |
| Chastity | n | The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. -- Aldous Huxley |
| Chastity belt | n | An anti-trust suit. (And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.) |
| chequeuary | n | The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his cheques. |
| Chef | n | Any cook who swears in French. |
| Cheit's Lament | n | If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- the next time he's in need. |
| Chemicals | pl, n | Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. |
| Cheops' Law | n | Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. |
| Chicago | n | Where the dead still vote ... early and often! |
| Chicken Soup | n | An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" |
| Children | pl, n | The people that you ought to be nice to, because they choose the old people's home you're going to live in. |
| Chism's Law of Completion | n | The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. |
| Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law | n | When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. |
| Christ | n | A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. |
| Christian | n | One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| Christmas | n | (1) A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most deeply and sincerely believe in. Money. At the mall of our choice. (2) A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best response time of the entire year. |
| Churchill's Commentary on Man: | n | Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. |
| cigarette | n | A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between. |
| Cinemuck | n | The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| clairvoyant | n | A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| Clarke's Conclusion | n | Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. |
| Clarke's Third Law | n | Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. G's Third Law: In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. H's Dictum: There is no magic ... |
| Clay's Conclusion | n | Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. |
| Cleveland | n | Where their last tornado did six million dollars worth of improvements. |
| Climate | n | The best thing to do with a ladder. |
| clone | n | 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product is a clone of our product." |
| Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly | n | The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. |
| COBOL | n | (1) An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. (2) Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic. |
| Cocaine | n | The thinking man's Dristan. |
| Cohen's Law | n | There is no bottom to worse. |
| Cohn's Law | n | The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. |
| coitus interruptus | n | A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner) "I want to have your child." |
| cold | adj | (1) When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. (2) When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant. (3) When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets. |
| Cole's Law | n | Cabbage must be thinly sliced and served with carrots and mayonaise. |
| Collaboration | n | A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell. |
| College | n | The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. |
| Colorado | n | Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel. |
| Colvard's Logical Premises | n | All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.See also Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary and Grelb's Commentary |
| Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary | n | This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.See also Colvard's Logical Premises and Grelb's Commentary |
| Coma | n | A punctuation mark. |
| Command | n | Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. |
| comment | n | A superfluous element of a source program included so the programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according to those who think they aren't. |
| Commitment | n | [The difference between involvement and] Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. |
| Committee Rules | n | (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others. (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. |
| Committee | n | A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. -- Fred Allen |
| Commoner's three laws of ecology | pl, n | (1) No action is without side-effects. (2) Nothing ever goes away. (3) There is no free lunch. |
| Complex system | n | One with real problems and imaginary profits. |
| Compliment | n | When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true. |
| compuberty | n | The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and a sun4 is put online sharing files. |
| computerfirm nymphomaniac | n | Hot Apple pie. |
| Computer science | n | (1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter. (2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. (3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. (4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. (5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. (6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. |
| Computer | n | An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. |
| Concept | n | Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000. |
| Condom | n | An item to be worn on every concievable occasion. |
| Condoms | pl, n | Homes for retired semen. |
| Conference | n | A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what he's already decided to do. |
| Confidant, confidante | n | One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| Confirmed bachelor | n | A man who goes through life without a hitch. |
| confusion | n | (1) Father's Day in San Francisco. (2) One woman plus one left turn. See also bedlam, chaos and excitement |
| Congenital | adj | Friendly. |
| Connector Conspiracy | n | [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive interface devices. |
| Conscience | n | The thing that aches when everything else feels good. |
| Consent decree | n | A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it never admitted to in the first place. |
| Conservative | n | (1) One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. -- Leo C. Rosten (2) A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| Consultant | n | (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have Calculator, Will Travel. (3) [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase and heavy wallet. (4) An ordinary man a long way from home. (5) Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date. (6) Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. |
| Consultation | n | Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." |
| Continental breakfast | n | (1) English for "not enough food". See also Dim Sum, Nouvelle cuisine and Tapas (2) A roll in bed with some honey. |
| Conversation | n | A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. |
| Conway's Law | n | In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. |
| Coors | n | Like making love in a canoe -- f*****g close to water. |
| Copulate | What an Italian police chief says to an officer who doesn't get to work on time. | |
| Copying machine | n | A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't interested in reading them. |
| Coronation | n | The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| Corporate Virgin | n | New girl in the office. |
| Correspondence Corollary | n | An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory. |
| Corrupt | adj | In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. |
| Corry's Law | n | Paper is always strongest at the perforations. |
| court | n | A place where they dispense with justice. -- Arthur Train |
| Coward | n | One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| Cowtow | v | To pay homage to a sacred cow. |
| Cox's philosophy | n | Life's a bitch, then you die. |
| coyote love | n | Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you chew off your arm at the shoulder. |
| coyote ugly | adj | When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for a one-armed man! See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call. |
| Creditor | n | A man who has a better memory than a debtor. |
| Crenna's Law of Political Accountability | n | If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties. |
| Crescendo | n | Testing the neighbours' tolerance level. See also P, F, PP and FF |
| crew | n | Eight big men and their cute little cox. |
| Crinklaw's Observation | n | Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed, marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence. |
| critic | n | A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| Croll's Query | n | If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? |
| Cropp's Law | n | The amount of work done varies inversly with the time spent in the office. |
| Cruickshank's Law of Committees | n | If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so much work has already been done on it. |
| Cursor | n | One whose program will not run. -- Robb Russon |
| cursor address | n | "Hello, cursor!" -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" |
| curtation | n | The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field environment. The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds". Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent, possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still with us.See also MOZ DONG -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" |
| Cutler Webster's Law | n | There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one. |
| Cynic | n | (1) A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" (2) Experienced. (3) One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. |
