Jester's Condescending English Dictionary - B

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A loud noise at one end and no sense
of responsibility at the other
A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
(1) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.

(2) A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
Feathers obtained from the side of a duck furthest from the bill.

-- Good News Week *2
Backward conditioningn
Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
The rear entrance to a cafeteria.
The reason the lamb tasted off.
Bagbitern,adjn Equipment or program that fails, usually intermittently.
adj Failing hardware or software. "This bagbiting system won't let me get
out of spacewar." Usage: verges on obscenity. Grammatically separable; one
may speak of "biting the bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS,
Bagdikian's Observationn
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
Baker's First Law
of Federal Geometry
A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by
Something you lose if the bank pushes you.
Balls' Lawn
The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
Fear of bullets;See also Otophobia, Peccatophobia, Sitophobia, Taphephobia, Trichophobia and Vestiphobia
Banacek's Eighteenth
Polish Proverb
The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon
by the bee.
The removal of bruises on a banana.

-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Barach's Rulen
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
Barbara's Rules of
Bitter Experience
(1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.

(2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
The man who cuts your hair.
What you do when CPR fails.
Barker's Proofn
Proofreading is more effective after publication.
An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
are having.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Barth's Distinctionn
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
types, and those who don't.
Baruch's Observationn
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Basic Definitions of Sciencen
If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
faucet is turned on to a certain point.

-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
will not yield to the tongue.

-- Ambrose Bierce
1 - The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

-- Ambrose Bierce

2 - What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
Three women plus one bargain.
See also chaos, confusion and excitement
beef stroganoffn
A bull masturbating.
A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
you won't have to watch commercials.
Beifeld's Principlen
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
young female increases by pyramidical progression when he
is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a
better-looking and richer male friend.

-- R. Beifeld
Something you do not believe.
Bennett's Laws
of Horticulture
(1) Houses are for people to live in.

(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.

(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
Benson's Dogman
ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
Bershere's Formula
for Failure
There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
beta testv
To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
"Better late
than never!"

The single girl's motto.
When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
Bierman's Laws
of Contracts
(1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".

(2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".

(3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
A fog over Italy.
An Italian redwood.
Bilbo's First Lawn
You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
Binary Treen
When the tree break in half but keeps growing.
Bing's Rulen
Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York.
The first and direst of all disasters.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
bitn, v
(1) A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago.

(2) What mozzies did. See also Byte and Megabyte
The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball.

-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.

-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Bloom's Seventh
Law of Litigation
The judge's jokes are always funny.
Blore's Razorn
Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
A coach which goes from Melbourne to Sydney, via Port Augusta.
Blutarsky's Axiomn
Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
Boling's postulaten
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Bolub's Fourth Law
of Computerdom
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Bombeck's Rule
of Medicine
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up
your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's
one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting
but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual
feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression --
something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more
because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a
mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive
self to try it.

-- The Joy of Sex
Boob's Lawn
You always find something in the last place you look.
Litigation about a novel which ensures wide sales.
Booker's Lawn
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
Boot Upn
What you want to give to Bill Gates.
Someone who pays to stay in your house.
1 - A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.

-- Walter Winchell

2 - A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Boren's Lawsn
(1) When in charge, ponder.

(2) When in trouble, delegate.

(3) When in doubt, mumble.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
ornamental stud."
(1) Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
finishing second in the Irish jig competition.

(2) An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
Boucher's Observationn
He who blows his own horn always plays the music
several octaves higher than originally written.
Bower's Lawn
Talent goes where the action is.
Bowie's Theoremn
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
A bloke who stands up for the other fellow's rights.
A noise with dirt on it.
Bradley's Bromiden
If computers get too powerful, we can organize
them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Brady's First Law
of Problem Solving
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
have handled this?"
brainn,vn The apparatus with which we think that we think.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
v To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
of error in an opponent.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD)
a theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
Multics, Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
because he/she should have known better. Calling something
brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
Something to warm your hands on.
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
British Israelitespl, n
The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
and take all your teeth.

-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
Brogan's Constantn
People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the
front of the bus.
Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
Brontosaurus Principlen
Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
this occurs, they are an endangered species.

-- Thomas K. Connellan
Brook's Lawn
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Brooke's Lawn
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.
Someone who looks but doesn't buy.
brunette bushn
The dark side of the moon.
Brussels Sproutn
A world famous statue found in that city.
Bubble Memoryn
A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence.
See also "vacuum tube".
Bucy's Lawn
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
1 - An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
wrote the program.
Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.

-- Ray Simard

2 - A son of a glitch.

3 - An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.

-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
Bugspl. n
Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.
Bumper stickern
All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest
British manufacture.
Bunker's Admonitionn
You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.

-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Bureau Termination,
Law of
When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
the number of employees in that bureau will double within
12 months after the decision is made.
A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
1 - A person who cuts red tape sideways.

-- J. McCabe

2 - A politician who has tenure.
Burke's Postulatespl. n
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
Burlesque Shown
Where attendance falls off if nothing else does.
Burn's Hog
Weighing Method
(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse.

(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.

(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly

(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.

-- Robert Burns
The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
Believing Your Own Bull
What mozzies do. See also bit (2) and Megabyte

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