General Points

Fines are measured in fingers. A finger is literally the thickness of a finger up the side of a pint glass. Eight fingers make a pint. Ladies, and the weak of constitution, may measure fines in pencils (a pencil is half a finger), but experienced games players scoff at them.

The two positions of responsibility in the drinking circle are Finesmaster and Sneak¹. The Finesmaster is in charge of allocating fines, and the Sneak is responsible for pointing out infringements of the rules by other players. Infringement, of course, usually results in a drinking fine. Failure by the Sneak to observe a transgression may also result in him receiving a fine. A new Finesmaster may be appointed either prompted by some event in the game or outside it: for instance, anyone who buys a round may become Finesmaster, or the Finesmaster may reign until he has to go to the toilet. The Finesmaster usually appoints the Sneak, often picking someone whom he particularly wishes to victimise.

Playing Card Games

These games can all be played with a standard pack of playing cards. It is not advisable in any of them to use a pack you care deeply about.

Indian Poker

In this game, each player is dealt a single card, then the remaining deck is cut to determine the 'Death Card'. Then, on a pre-determined signal, each player raises his card to his forehead so that all the other players can see it, but the player himself cannot. The card must be held against the forehead for the remainder of the round, unless some other mechanism is available: wearers of spectacles can wedge the card in them so that it is supported; while sweatier players may find that the card will adhere to their forehead through surface tension.

There are then two rounds of poker-style bidding, starting from the dealer's left. A player may drop out in the first round for a fine of one finger, or in the second round for the greater of two fingers and the bid they made in the first round. No player may bid fewer fingers than the player before him. The usual maximum bid for one round is four fingers, and the maximum raise may be set at two.

Once all bids are completed, the remaining players get to see their own cards. the player with the lowest card loses, and must drink a fine equal to his last bid. Cards of the same value as the Death Card count as lower than the lowest other card, and in addition bear an extra fine of two fingers, administered whether the player drops out during the bidding or is still in at the end.

Killer Whist

This game is played with the same rules as ordinary whist - seven cards each in the first round, reducing by one card every round until only one card is dealt per player. The remaining pack is cut to determine the trump suit. When a player wins no tricks in a given round, he his out of that game, and in Killer Whist he must drink a fine of a number of fingers equal to the number of cards in the round where he went out.

All fines must be drunk by the start of the next game.

Mass Murder Whist

This game was invented for those who find Killer Whist gets them drunk too slowly. The rules are the same, except that every player staying in must drink a fine of as many fingers (or, to slow things down slightly, pencils) as there were tricks in the previous round.

Even playing for pencils rather than fingers, the winner will drink 14 fingers, or almost two pints, during a single game.

Yogi's Whist²

Yogi's Whist is played in tricks with a turned-up trump card, just like regular whist, but has some very different rules.

Firstly, the number of cards deal does not change. Every player always gets four cards.

Secondly, one of these cards is not to be played in a trick, but is instead used as a 'bid card'. The suit of the bid card indicates how many tricks the player thinks he can win: a diamond is a bid to win no tricks; a spade, one trick; a heart, two tricks; a club says the player will win all three tricks. A handy mnemonic for this is the number of 'bumps' on the suit symbol - a club has three bumps, a heart two, a spade (sort of) one, and a diamond has four, which is impossible, so counts as none.

The bid card adds a novel and dangerous element to the game; and because it must be one of the four cards dealt, the player may not be able to choose the card he would like to. For instance, a hand of four low clubs (where clubs are not trumps) is a death knell to the sobriety.

Fines are calculated as follows: one finger for each trick by which your bid was incorrect - so if you bid three tricks and win two, that's a finger; win none and that's a three finger fine. However, it is possible for a player to up the stakes by 'declaring'. When this happens, a player reveals his bid card. Everyone else's fines are doubled if he still makes his requisite number of tricks, but his are doubled if he fails.

The supremely over-confident, or the inveterate gambler, may choose to go one step further by 'revealing'. This is like declaring except that the player shows not just his bid card, but also all the cards in his hand. If successful, everyone else's fines are trebled - but again the gambler pays three times the price if he makes a mistake. The option to declare or reveal is given to each player in turn, starting from the dealer's left. Only one player may declare or reveal in a given turn, and if one player chooses to declare then a later player may stop him doing so by opting to reveal.

This game is only for the extremely hardy - as can be seen, the maximum fine on a single hand is more than a pint of beer. Games don't tend to last long, but they are packed with incident.

Non-Card Games

Names Of

A simple naming game which gets surprisingly difficult as the evening wears on and more esoteric categories are chosen.

The players of the game sit in a circle and set up a rhythm of four beats, lasting about two seconds in total. The first two beats are the 'thinking space': on the first, players tap the table or their knees with both hands, and on the second clap their hands. The final two beats are the 'action space', and are marked by clicking the fingers of the right and then the left hands. It sounds hard, but it's easy to set up: tap, clap, click, click; tap, clap, click, click. Get into the rhythm for a couple of bars before starting.

Then, the player whose turn it is to start recites the following, with everyone still marking the beat:

Tap, clap, 'And it's'

Tap, clap, 'To my right' [or left - his choice]

Tap, clap, 'Names Of'

Tap, clap, 'Famous'

Tap, clap... and then he names the category, which can be anything you like - breeds of dog, football teams, infectious diseases. The starter must then, on the next beat, name an example of his category beginning with 'A'. So continuing our example...

Tap, clap, 'Football teams'

Tap, clap, 'Arsenal'

The next player in the direction indicated - must then name an example starting with 'B', and son on until someone fails. Each player must answer on the final two beats of his turn, and hesitation is as bad as a wrong answer. If the player the wrong side answers, he has failed. Whoever fails must drink a fine of two fingers.

Fizz, Buzz³

The basic form of this game will be familiar to many people from school. Players count in turn, starting every time at 1, but when a number is a multiple of five, or contains a five, the player instead must say 'fizz'. Similarly, any multiple of seven or number containing a seven is replaced in the count by 'buzz'. Numbers with both characteristics (35, 56) are 'fizz, buzz', but the individual labels are not repeated (55 is not 'fizz, fizz'). Any player who makes a mistake must drink a fine of two fingers, and starts the next game, choosing whether to go round the group to the right or to the left.

Reasonably intelligent players soon master this simple form of the game, at least when still quite sober. A number of 'tweaks' can be applied:

• The Penhaligon - This is played on the multiples of nine and numbers containing a nine, so 27 (for instance) becomes 'buzz, penhaligon'.
• The Reversing Penhaligon - still on the nines, but after each penhaligon the fizz and buzz are reversed so that they are used on sevens and fives, then the next penhaligon sets them back to their original meaning again.
• Fizz, Buzz, Names Of - strictly for the insanely ambitious, this game includes the category element of 'Names Of', though the requirement for alphabetical sequence is usually dropped. Instead of saying 'penhaligon' on a nine, the players must instead name an example of the category agreed before the game - a new example each time. If you are drunk enough to attempt this game, it probably won't last long.

Bunnies

Bunnies is a simple and vindictive game with ample scope for cheating: which you may think is a good or a bad thing, depending on whether you are the one cheating or being stitched up.

The players sit in a circle and hold their arms out in front of them, elbows bent and hands a few inches from the chest. The hands should be open but relaxed, horizontally aligned, and shaking gently as though the player were suffering from a mild case of Parkinson's Disease.

The starter, who is Bunny, recites, 'Bunny's hands are hovering...', and then quickly brings his two hands up so that they are vertical alongside his head, thumbs to his temples and fingers wriggling, outstretched like a moose's antlers. The other players keep their hands hovering in front of them, except for the player to either side of him, who must raise their nearer hand to match Bunny's.

Bunny now has three possible moves. He can drop his right hand, or his left. In these cases, the player next to his remaining hand becomes Bunny, and must raise their far hand. The person beyond them then raises one hand, and we are set to go again. Alternatively, Bunny may send his influence long-distance by changing the set of his hands so that instead of waggling like antlers, the index fingers point like a pair of cow's horns at someone around the circle. That person then becomes Bunny, and must raise both hands. As soon as he does so, his neighbours must raise one hand each, and the former Bunny and his neighbours drop their hands back to a hover.

Fines are allocated for failing to respond within a reasonable time to Bunny's movements; what constitutes a reasonable time can, of course, be modified according to how badly the offending player is deemed to need a drink, which is one of the main opportunities for unsportsmanlike behaviour. The other lies in the accuracy with which a 'long pass' needs to be thrown - if the 'sending' Bunny is being victimised, his signals may be deemed to be indecisive or misdirected, in which case he may be fined.

This game is best played at very high speed, with the players not currently involved shouting abuse and generally adding to the mayhem. Because many rounds can be played very quickly, a one-finger fine is normally deemed sufficient for hesitation, two fingers for a misdirected signal.

Cardinals⁴

Drinking games with actions are always fun - you can take side-bets on how long people will be able to keep doing them for - and this game also has the egalitarian result that everyone drinks the same amount. Very quickly.

Everyone starts with a full pint of beer in front of them. One person is appointed the starter: he speaks the words and leads in the performance of the actions, and all of the other players try to keep up with him.

'I drink to Cardinal Puff for the first time', he chants.

Then he taps his left foot, followed by his right foot; pats his left hand on the table, followed by his right hand; he claps, then stands up and sits down. He then drinks a deep draught from his pint.

'I drink to Cardinal Puff for the second time', he announces. Each action is then repeat twice - left, left, right, right, clap, clap, stand, stand. He then drinks a second slug of beer.

'I drink to Cardinal Puff for the last time'. Three repetitions of each action are performed, and at the end of the final gulp, every player must have an empty glass in front of him. The next person round the circle becomes the starter, another round of pints is bought, and off you go again.

And that's all there is to it. A pint gone in a couple of minutes. A very simple game, very egalitarian - everyone drinks exactly the same amount - and it is almost impossible to cheat.

If you feel really determined to go for it, you can try 'Speed Cardinals': in this variation of the game, the starters in their turn attempt to complete the actions - and, of course, the drinking - in as short a time as possible. You can even time them with a stopwatch if you wish, and keep records. But that would be quite sad, really.

Knockout Port Drinking

Describing this as a 'drinking game' may be stretching the point somewhat, but it is competitive and involves drinking, so it is included here.

The competitors are drawn against one another in pairs. Each sits on a bar stool, and a bottle of port is placed on the table between them. A glass is poured for each competitor, and they must drink it within a reasonable time - a couple of minutes, say. Then another is poured, and again must be downed. This continues until one player loses by:

1. Having to take a toilet break;
2. Chundering; or
3. Falling off his stool.

Players winning in the first round of matches are pitted against one another in the second round. Second round games do not usually last as long. This can be followed by a third round, and a fourth, until one player remains, and he is the champion.

It is best for this game if you start off with a number of players which neatly comes down to a final (e.g., 4, 8 or 16). However, if you have an uneven number of players this should be corrected by playing in groups of three rather than giving one player a bye, as avoiding the first round in particular is a distinct advantage.