h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No - your lordship - it's OK. Please - come in - er, excuse the mess. We were, er, yes. We were.

Em, just wanted a chance to explain about the mix up when we arrived, you see.

I mean, everything's all above-board, you know, there was a civil ceremony in Brazil, and we came over here for another ceremony - just to keep the relative happy, you understand.

Shame about our vicar, though, glandular fever - no replacement, so we'll just have to postpone the ceremony. Hope you don't mind?

*Kes turns to Peaceful and whispers:*

There! That should keep him quiet. You approve?

(Whispering in her ear!!! No - get a grip, man. Think of baggy pullovers.)

* What should she say????

* She was going to let Lord K think that she...

* No, this was sinful...

* But it had to be!!! What a mess!!!

Yes, it is so.

* She smiled, weakly...

*While waiting to see if MK returns with any comments, Kes works on the spreadsheet, throwing questions as he goes*

Right - this is the main debt, Yes? and this one to the same bank?
OK so total exposure is $300 million. This is borrowed at bank rates? What's the going rate over there? Is 5% about it?

OK - using 5%, that's total annual repayments of $15M, due each month .... $1.25M per months,.... and it looks like your family's made no payments for two months? Yes?

Any income from your debtors to balance that out?

* PE started to laugh... five percent!!! Funny joke, really funny joke!!!

No.... five percent juros? No way! You can chose your juros, Mr. Kes, but if you choose five percent, they will know you do not know how to do good business.

* She was positively quivering with laughter. Mr. Kes would not make a good businessman in her country.

Perhaps, Mr. Kes, if we even it out, to about 30% you will get a better idea of the big hole my family has found a way to dig for itself...

*Kes goes bright red. *
(Should have considered Brazil's inflation rate - now I look a right idiot)
*Sounding a little annoyed...*
Fine - you'll have to be the businesswoman. What's the bank rate over there at the moment?

(Mind working on alternative solution - maybe not such an idiot after all .... but let her answer)

The rate for today, I do not know, I do not do business Mr Kes, - that is for the men in the family... I would have to read the newspaper...
Let me see if I brought one...

* She is unable to find a newspaper... but she will try to remember, a hard task for a nonconceptual two brain celled beauty like PE...

30%. Oh S**t! No wonder I never went to live over there.

Sorry - Peaceful - thinking out loud.

OK - 30% ... and we have to repay on that in Brazil ... yes obviously we do.
That makes .... $90M per year in interest .... which is $7.8M per month ... and you're already 2 months behind..

No - the figures are right - come and see.

Sorry - the screens not very bright unless you're right in front of it.

*Peaceful leans over his shoulder to check the numbers*

(Aaaargh! Chanel 19 !!!! Baggy pullovers, baggy pullovers).

*Kes leans away*

(How would my brother raise so much money. Come on - think like him for a change)

I've got an idea. Can you get me the rest of the papers?

*Fortunately, just before Kes melts down, Peaceful moves away, to get the marriage papers.*
*Kes's fingers work the keyboard; He makes a short call to his office; he enters more data, runs a couple of calculations*

* She hands him the rest of the papers...

Thanks.

*Kes puts the papers aside (in a minute he will wish he had looked at them right away), and continues working the laptop*

(My brother - double deals, double cross ... that's it - a double deal - cross rates!)

*Two more phone calls, more typing*

Right, Peaceful. Try this for size.

*He moves to one side of the screen, to keep a bit of distance. Now they can both see the data without making contact*

I think you'll like this!

OK. At 30% per year, your family owe $90M interest each year. Two months behind? here ... see .. so you're $15.6M in debt ... next payment due at end of September ... another $7.8M to worry about,

Right - so I borrow $15.6M in the UK market - at the cross rates for Sterling - currently 5%. That equals $800,000 per year - in the short term that means $67,000 per month.

I can use the cash from the family trust - I bet this is what brother was going to do - look - he moved $70,000 in there last week ..... and in two weeks time, I can get my hands on another $30,000 , so I can borrow to cover the September repayment.

There - we can do it. I'll make the calls. There is the obvious snag of course? You see it?

*Kes feels rather pleased with himself - not such an idiot after all .... save the day, save the family honour ... ride off into the sunset with the ... POP! Sound of thought bubble bursting ... Kes starts to read the marriage certificate while watching Peaceful digest the figures*

...we

...we

...we must pretend to be married???

(I wish, I wish ....)

Well, actually no .... No - I mean Yes - you're a genius. That buys us the time.
Sorry - OK I'll stop, and start again.

(Do wishes come true? ... What was that Chinese proverb about "be careful what you wish for"...?)

Right - forget the marriage thing for a minute ...

(only a minute ,,,)

The catch . well actually two catches - first: at some point we have to pay back the UK loan. Second - this only gets us to the end of September ... after that there's no more cash to borrow with, so we must have a permanent solution by then.

But the good news is - a couple of phone calls, and your family is safe until October.
Now - I see that you have the authorities needed to handle your family accounts. I can sign for my part of the trust money ... but we will have to work from the UK - sorry, but the trust has its AGM coming up, and I must prepare the figures - plus make sure Brother doesn't play tricks.

So you have to stay n the UK. That's where you're the genius - we just keep up the pretence of being married - that way you don't get deported.

I still haven't worked out how to stop brother from telling the Home Office that we're not actually married. That's a worry.

By the way, if you really like the plan you could (Lean over and give me a huge kiss - please) ...er, buy me a drink in the bar later?

* Sinfully legally married to her brother-in-law?
* She was definitely not a genius... But if her family had let her manage their affairs, they would certainly have done better...

* Family safe until October. Good. At least that...

* but the sacrifice of her honour. She would keep her good name by losing her honour? This was not right. It was the only right thing to do.

* She was trying to listen to the words of her new brother-in-law and pretend-husband to be...

* kisses? drinks? O que?

* Slow PE was trying to grasp at least one of those concepts flying around her sluggish brain...

Mr Kes, can I call you you?

Will you accept a drink?

I could buy you a drink para comemorar... to celebrate this good thing you have found to save our business...

Yes - please - just call me Kes (What will we do if brother turns up again). Kes sounds - well, more like a husband than "Mr Kes".

We will go to the bar in a few minutes - let me call ... No! I have a better idea ...
*Kes makes a 'phone call. After a few words, he hands the phone to Peaceful*

You are talking to the treasurer of the family trust. The loans have been set up - just tell him who you are, your family's name and bank details, and the loan is in place. You have sacrificed enough already - you should get some pleasure. Go on!

*Kes re-reads the marriage certificate as Peaceful talks*