Attraction versus Love?
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
One of the things I really find interesting is how things happen in your mind. And how every thing happens in a certain pattern or sequence. It seems to me when you understand those patterns, you can experience so much more pleasure and avoid a lot of suffering and pain.
For example, did you ever think about the difference between attraction and love? I was reading this article on the net about it and it said they take place in different settings.
Attraction happens when you're in that person's presence. It's like you feel that wonderful click, right there in your solar plexus. And you go, "Hmmmmm . . .", while a smile works its way through your body. It's like your eyes lock, and there's that special moment just before you meet the first time when you're trembling with anticipation and you're thinking how good it's going to feel. There's that excitement, there are so many wonderful firsts available to discover.
Also there's an element of fascination, where you find yourself listening carefully, really looking, and hanging on every word. And certain thoughts, just seem to rise unbidden into your consciousness. It's like your awareness focuses on that other person, bringing them into sharp relief. You feel so enthralled you just have to learn more about them.
Finally, the article mentioned that with attraction, there's an underlying feeling of safety. Even though you experience high arousal, and intense fascination, you know deep inside you're going to be safe. It's kind of like going to an amusement park and waiting to ride roller coaster.
Falling in love on the other hand happens in a completely different fashion. Falling in love happens away from the person you're initially attracted to. I mean, you see them, you feel the rush of attraction, and then you go home where you begin to picture this person in your mind. You begin to imagine being together in all sorts of different ways. Maybe you imagine introducing them to your friends, maybe you imagine going out and having fun. Maybe you imagine, well, you know, being very intimate with them. And then you allow those pictures to run over and over in your mind so that those feelings grow more intense.
After those movies start running in your mind, what happens next is that you begin the process of recognizing all the things you really want, right there in this person. Now, I don't know exactly what it is you do when you go inside and begin to link all those values and qualities to the person you're talking with. But as you begin to identify all them, and let that process take place, you begin to name all those qualities to yourself. You can start hearing yourself saying things like, "Oh, he's so this. Or, he's so that. He's so, mmmmmm."
Perhaps you begin to feel that connection growing, sometimes to the point where you can just stop, and imagine a time in the future, say years from now. Still feeling connected to this person while looking back on this moment as having been the start of it all.
Next, you begin to mention this person's name in every conversation. Like, "Oh, so-and-so says this. So-and-so says that." And it's like you just want to create an opening for this person. An opening that allows their presence to just penetrate your consciousness and come inside your life so deeply. It's the kind of thing that can cause a person to come over and over to one conclusion. That what you really want, is right there in front of you.
However, the article I read was describing the initial processes. I discussed this with a friend of mine. She pointed out that there's a more, for lack of a better word, 'mature' attraction you feel for your beloved.
After that conversation, I spent a pleasant couple of days re-experiencing attraction and love in my mind to try and distinguish what the differences were.
Remember when you were a little girl? If you were like most little girls, you probably spent a lot of time dreaming about your ideal man. And you'd ask yourself things like, "What will he look like?", "How will I feel about him?", and "How will he feel about me?" Maybe you imagined loving and caring for him, and being loved and cared for in return. Maybe you spent time imagining what it would feel like being with him and how sad you'd be with out him around.
The neat thing about children is how they can fully engage their emotions while they let their imagination soar. When they imagine feeling loved and cared for, they feel that way. When they imagine loving and caring about someone, they really feel that way. Children somehow instinctively know that they're rehearsing for adulthood, and to rehearse properly you have to engage yourself as fully as possible.
All that playtime work creates certain templates for us as adults. When we meet someone new, we unconsciously, and instinctively match them against the templates of our ideal partner that we created as children. If we sense a match, we start to notice attraction. Like the other article said, attraction is a complex emotions.
It's built out of several other ones. One of the components is simply arousal or excitement. There's a pleasant thrill that just runs through you. I mean, think of something that you feel neutral about. How attracted do you feel about it? If you're like most people, you're probably not attracted at all. Now think about something that excites you. Don't you feel like you want more of it, in other words, you start to feel attracted, right?
It's the same with the other two basic states that go into the mix we know as attraction, fascination and safety. I think the attraction my friend was talking about happens after you meet someone, and have had a chance to enjoy their company a bit. I think it works like this: you see someone new, unconsciously you match them against the template of your ideal mate, if you sense a match you begin to feel an attraction. Next, you meet them and enjoy their company for a bit and finally you go home and start the falling in love process.
It may not progress to falling deeply, madly in love with them instantaneously, or even over night, although that can happen. It's just that once you've met this new person, and enjoyed their company a bit, you naturally just start feeling affection, caring and fondness for them. Me? I don't know just how surprised you'd be to suddenly find yourself going through that process with someone you just met, but I'll bet that you, like me, have that capacity, don't you?
I find that when I allow myself to experience that attraction and affection, and really let it build, it's like you can just surrender to the experience. Now, with me, the way I see it, those emotions are varieties or flavors of love. They come out of the same wellspring.
I think the attraction you're talking about has a healthy admixture of love added to it. And that love enhances and deepens the attraction immeasurably. So, correct me if I'm wrong, if I understand what you're saying, the attraction you're referring to is the attraction you feel for your beloved. I agree, that's a much richer and deeper experience because you're seeing this person before you through the eyes of love.
For example, did you ever think about the difference between attraction and love? I was reading this article on the net about it and it said they take place in different settings.
Attraction happens when you're in that person's presence. It's like you feel that wonderful click, right there in your solar plexus. And you go, "Hmmmmm . . .", while a smile works its way through your body. It's like your eyes lock, and there's that special moment just before you meet the first time when you're trembling with anticipation and you're thinking how good it's going to feel. There's that excitement, there are so many wonderful firsts available to discover.
Also there's an element of fascination, where you find yourself listening carefully, really looking, and hanging on every word. And certain thoughts, just seem to rise unbidden into your consciousness. It's like your awareness focuses on that other person, bringing them into sharp relief. You feel so enthralled you just have to learn more about them.
Finally, the article mentioned that with attraction, there's an underlying feeling of safety. Even though you experience high arousal, and intense fascination, you know deep inside you're going to be safe. It's kind of like going to an amusement park and waiting to ride roller coaster.
Falling in love on the other hand happens in a completely different fashion. Falling in love happens away from the person you're initially attracted to. I mean, you see them, you feel the rush of attraction, and then you go home where you begin to picture this person in your mind. You begin to imagine being together in all sorts of different ways. Maybe you imagine introducing them to your friends, maybe you imagine going out and having fun. Maybe you imagine, well, you know, being very intimate with them. And then you allow those pictures to run over and over in your mind so that those feelings grow more intense.
After those movies start running in your mind, what happens next is that you begin the process of recognizing all the things you really want, right there in this person. Now, I don't know exactly what it is you do when you go inside and begin to link all those values and qualities to the person you're talking with. But as you begin to identify all them, and let that process take place, you begin to name all those qualities to yourself. You can start hearing yourself saying things like, "Oh, he's so this. Or, he's so that. He's so, mmmmmm."
Perhaps you begin to feel that connection growing, sometimes to the point where you can just stop, and imagine a time in the future, say years from now. Still feeling connected to this person while looking back on this moment as having been the start of it all.
Next, you begin to mention this person's name in every conversation. Like, "Oh, so-and-so says this. So-and-so says that." And it's like you just want to create an opening for this person. An opening that allows their presence to just penetrate your consciousness and come inside your life so deeply. It's the kind of thing that can cause a person to come over and over to one conclusion. That what you really want, is right there in front of you.
However, the article I read was describing the initial processes. I discussed this with a friend of mine. She pointed out that there's a more, for lack of a better word, 'mature' attraction you feel for your beloved.
After that conversation, I spent a pleasant couple of days re-experiencing attraction and love in my mind to try and distinguish what the differences were.
Remember when you were a little girl? If you were like most little girls, you probably spent a lot of time dreaming about your ideal man. And you'd ask yourself things like, "What will he look like?", "How will I feel about him?", and "How will he feel about me?" Maybe you imagined loving and caring for him, and being loved and cared for in return. Maybe you spent time imagining what it would feel like being with him and how sad you'd be with out him around.
The neat thing about children is how they can fully engage their emotions while they let their imagination soar. When they imagine feeling loved and cared for, they feel that way. When they imagine loving and caring about someone, they really feel that way. Children somehow instinctively know that they're rehearsing for adulthood, and to rehearse properly you have to engage yourself as fully as possible.
All that playtime work creates certain templates for us as adults. When we meet someone new, we unconsciously, and instinctively match them against the templates of our ideal partner that we created as children. If we sense a match, we start to notice attraction. Like the other article said, attraction is a complex emotions.
It's built out of several other ones. One of the components is simply arousal or excitement. There's a pleasant thrill that just runs through you. I mean, think of something that you feel neutral about. How attracted do you feel about it? If you're like most people, you're probably not attracted at all. Now think about something that excites you. Don't you feel like you want more of it, in other words, you start to feel attracted, right?
It's the same with the other two basic states that go into the mix we know as attraction, fascination and safety. I think the attraction my friend was talking about happens after you meet someone, and have had a chance to enjoy their company a bit. I think it works like this: you see someone new, unconsciously you match them against the template of your ideal mate, if you sense a match you begin to feel an attraction. Next, you meet them and enjoy their company for a bit and finally you go home and start the falling in love process.
It may not progress to falling deeply, madly in love with them instantaneously, or even over night, although that can happen. It's just that once you've met this new person, and enjoyed their company a bit, you naturally just start feeling affection, caring and fondness for them. Me? I don't know just how surprised you'd be to suddenly find yourself going through that process with someone you just met, but I'll bet that you, like me, have that capacity, don't you?
I find that when I allow myself to experience that attraction and affection, and really let it build, it's like you can just surrender to the experience. Now, with me, the way I see it, those emotions are varieties or flavors of love. They come out of the same wellspring.
I think the attraction you're talking about has a healthy admixture of love added to it. And that love enhances and deepens the attraction immeasurably. So, correct me if I'm wrong, if I understand what you're saying, the attraction you're referring to is the attraction you feel for your beloved. I agree, that's a much richer and deeper experience because you're seeing this person before you through the eyes of love.
