h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

God

Yea, though ye cycle by the Volvo in the shadow of death, thou shalt fear no evil doggies, for thou art with me. Thy safetypins and piercèd noses they shalt comfort thou.

And it came to pass, the Lord spake unto the children of Enid, and sayeth unto them, Anne, picketh up thy bike and walk, for yea and verily dost thou havest a holy puncture and not just on thy left nipple. Walk ye unto the fallen Volvo and breaketh the window with thy holy headbutt. Then ye shall checketh the glove compartment for ye ergot of rye compounds and pieces of silver. Then, and only then, thou shalt grog in the face of the charioteer and awaken him from his sleep for his time has not yet come to enter unto the house of the Lord.

TIMMY THE DOG

Evil? I'm not evil...I have evil fleas, maybe, but...................

................!

*a lightning strike hits the lamp post Timmy was about to use*

And it came to pass that the Lord fumeth over the falsehoods uttered by Timmy the Doggeth, and he sayeth unto him, "Thy sins in ye olde postings have been noted in ye holy black scroll, and if thou repenteth not, thou shalt live for evermore in a land with no lamp posts . . . and stoppeth thy abominations with ye charioteer who sleepeth"

Abominations aren't my bag, buddy. Cruelty to animals ain't cool. Your leg will suffice as a lamp post. Your breath reeks as you threaten me. My blood will be on YOUR hands.