20 reasons why saxophones aren't in orchestras:
Created | Updated May 14, 2005
First I would like to point out that occasionally tenor saxophones are used in orchestras.
The saxophone is, in the right lips, an instrument capable of great beauty, the greatest invention since the towel. However...
1. Adolphe Sax.
Not a bad guy obviously, with the saxophone and many other instruments and improvements to instruments under his (now rotten) belt. Unfortunately, the old guy wasn't that popular with other instrument-makers and such. I'm not sure what he did but he was apparently good at offending people. Maybe a Belgian (Dutch) Rub every now and then?
2. Orchestras.
They're a bit old fashioned aren't they. Obsessed with deadguys like Handel and the one with the beard. The fact is saxophones weren't around when everything 'was'. It kind of missed the ship.
3. Orchestras. Again.
Musicians can be a little bit elitist and classical music and elitists go together like Vogons and very, very bad poetry. Naturally if you're not in the circle to begin with that's it, you aint in the circle, so stop whining on that stupid shiny thing and go home.
4. Fat Ladies Screaming.
We all no that classical music isn't about sounding good; it's about sounding poncy; like you permanently have a very big (but shiny, elaborately carved, varnished royal walnut) stick stuck too far....
Anyway, the violins (millions of them), horns and above all fat ladies screaming do a great job of that. Why have good when you can have I'm better than you?
5. Jazz.
a.Jazz doesn't really display the ponciness necessary to motivate a cross in genre.
b.Why change to a genre where you have to play beneath screechy violins when you are partly responsible for a much more fun one, where you can be screechy??
6. ?
Zarquon! This is getting hard!
7. Saxophonists.
Oddly enough most saxophonists actually like the music they play, unlike violinists, they usually chose to enter their musical endeavour of their own accord, not through their parnts when they were 6 and had imaginary towels to play with. Also they don't see a lot of point in a 'pure' sound when they can have more fun being obnoxious and scratchy (great fun).
8. The Pink Panther.
This is a reason in it's own right. That's because it's one of the towliest pieces in the known universe. There are only three instruments that can possibly play this great movie theme. The clarinet, piano and the SAXOPHONE. The greatest of these, quite clearly? The saxophone. What do you need an orchestra for when you have The Pink Panther?
9. Take Five.
Pretty much the same as 8, but composed by a skinny, pasty, alto saxophonist (like me) instead of a guy called Henry Mancini. Thank Zarquon for the both of them.
10. Poverty.
The average saxophonist is your quintessential hitchhiker; no money, bad hygiene, one change of clothes, and no suit. That's right, you need to wear more than just a towel if you're gonna be a fancy orchestra-member. You need a suit, or at least a pizza free shirt. Nuff said.
11. Playing position.
All saxophonists are meant to play standing up. That's why we have neckstraps. If not:
a. It doesn't sound as good (yeah right).
b. You can't do that cool swaying from side to side thing.
c. Most importantly if there's a cellist nearby, you can't kick him while playing Moewenzshkas Allegro from Symphony 119, without losing your place for the next 21 bars.
12. Sorry.
Okay that's all I've got.
So as you see it actually has nothing at all to do with tone or something pointless like that, but rather, towels.
Is there hope?
Yes. Berlioz composed for the saxophone not long after it's release, unfortunately he didn't live long (conspiracy???). The saxophone is still gradually getting it's foot in that ornate, gold leaf, solid oak door that is real instrumentnessnessnessness.... As people realise that there is life beyond the screaming and the screeching.
The saxophone is, in the right lips, an instrument capable of great beauty, the greatest invention since the towel. However...
1. Adolphe Sax.
Not a bad guy obviously, with the saxophone and many other instruments and improvements to instruments under his (now rotten) belt. Unfortunately, the old guy wasn't that popular with other instrument-makers and such. I'm not sure what he did but he was apparently good at offending people. Maybe a Belgian (Dutch) Rub every now and then?
2. Orchestras.
They're a bit old fashioned aren't they. Obsessed with deadguys like Handel and the one with the beard. The fact is saxophones weren't around when everything 'was'. It kind of missed the ship.
3. Orchestras. Again.
Musicians can be a little bit elitist and classical music and elitists go together like Vogons and very, very bad poetry. Naturally if you're not in the circle to begin with that's it, you aint in the circle, so stop whining on that stupid shiny thing and go home.
4. Fat Ladies Screaming.
We all no that classical music isn't about sounding good; it's about sounding poncy; like you permanently have a very big (but shiny, elaborately carved, varnished royal walnut) stick stuck too far....
Anyway, the violins (millions of them), horns and above all fat ladies screaming do a great job of that. Why have good when you can have I'm better than you?
5. Jazz.
a.Jazz doesn't really display the ponciness necessary to motivate a cross in genre.
b.Why change to a genre where you have to play beneath screechy violins when you are partly responsible for a much more fun one, where you can be screechy??
6. ?
Zarquon! This is getting hard!
7. Saxophonists.
Oddly enough most saxophonists actually like the music they play, unlike violinists, they usually chose to enter their musical endeavour of their own accord, not through their parnts when they were 6 and had imaginary towels to play with. Also they don't see a lot of point in a 'pure' sound when they can have more fun being obnoxious and scratchy (great fun).
8. The Pink Panther.
This is a reason in it's own right. That's because it's one of the towliest pieces in the known universe. There are only three instruments that can possibly play this great movie theme. The clarinet, piano and the SAXOPHONE. The greatest of these, quite clearly? The saxophone. What do you need an orchestra for when you have The Pink Panther?
9. Take Five.
Pretty much the same as 8, but composed by a skinny, pasty, alto saxophonist (like me) instead of a guy called Henry Mancini. Thank Zarquon for the both of them.
10. Poverty.
The average saxophonist is your quintessential hitchhiker; no money, bad hygiene, one change of clothes, and no suit. That's right, you need to wear more than just a towel if you're gonna be a fancy orchestra-member. You need a suit, or at least a pizza free shirt. Nuff said.
11. Playing position.
All saxophonists are meant to play standing up. That's why we have neckstraps. If not:
a. It doesn't sound as good (yeah right).
b. You can't do that cool swaying from side to side thing.
c. Most importantly if there's a cellist nearby, you can't kick him while playing Moewenzshkas Allegro from Symphony 119, without losing your place for the next 21 bars.
12. Sorry.
Okay that's all I've got.
So as you see it actually has nothing at all to do with tone or something pointless like that, but rather, towels.
Is there hope?
Yes. Berlioz composed for the saxophone not long after it's release, unfortunately he didn't live long (conspiracy???). The saxophone is still gradually getting it's foot in that ornate, gold leaf, solid oak door that is real instrumentnessnessnessness.... As people realise that there is life beyond the screaming and the screeching.
