A guide to getting drunk alone

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Getting drunk alone is a fine art, perfected by few, but used by many. For those inexperienced in such an act, here is a short guide.

1) When shopping for indulgences or intellectual matter (e.g the latest Salmon Rushdie of which you have no intention of reading) make an inpromtu visit to a cheap back street off-license and buy two of the following: Wine (red or white, but no more expensive than £4 a bottle), Beer (almost any type will do, but Barley Wine, or Carling Special Brew are best), vodka or gin.

2) On return home, make sure you are alone. This may involved causing a rift between you and your spouse, partner, friends or family so that they leave. All methods are perfectly acceptable and the self-loathing will benefit you later in the night.

3) Commence drink at roughly 7pm. Do not commence drinking earlier as this may result in alcoholism. If you need to cook in order to eat, this should be done before 7pm to avoid burns and other injuries, but eating whilst drinking is perfectly acceptable.

4) Roughly an hour and a half in, remove an item of clothing. Trousers are the preference for men, but women fluctuate between garments and changing into sparser, more inappropriate clothing. Men can also indulge in this, but do make sure you are alone.

5) Watch an educational program on the BBC. Key figures to include in this are: Stephen Fry, Richard Attenbourgh, David Attenbourgh, Jeremy Paxman or Micheal Palin. Snigger throughout.

6) Watch a romantic comedy. All forms are acceptable. Men may have to find suitable material in the video collection of a wife, girlfriend or female friend.

7) By about 10:30pm, return to a bad habit. Smoking, illicet viewing, mild drug abuse, flicking to the dirty bits in novels, cross dressing, or snooping though the wife/husband's, girlfriend/boyfriend's, or female/male friend's possesions are all popular choices.

8) After running out of booze, search for, and consume the bottle of hazelnut liquor you bought on that French holiday two years ago.

9) Embarrass yourself via text, email or facebook.

10) Collapse in a front of a television. It is vital that it is left on a channel that will later, when a companion returns, be showing pornography or Big Brother.

These ten steps should lead to a successful and demeaning night alone.

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