Sometimes you can waste your time trudging thru a movie, when all you want to know is how it turns out. So, to wit:

The boat sinks.

Rosebud was his sled.

He was dead all the time, and it's got nothing to do with Toni Collete.

He dosen't kill the kid, but gets frozen in the maze.

He brings down the commandments.

It was Earth all along, you b*****ds. God Damn you all to hell..

He realises that people do need him after all, and Clarence gets his wings.

He escapes, and ends up eating his Doctor.

He dresses up as his dead mother.

He was sane for the entire movie, until his real mother turns up, and gets twatted with a spade.

The nun gets killed by accident, but everybody thinks that he's mad ( which he is ).

He realises he shouldn't have come back for a fourth one.

Lester gets shot, but he's O.K about it.

They all get a shag ( including Willow from Buffy ).

Rathe stays around till after the title credits, and turns out to be Moriarty.

Del reveals that his wife has been dead for eight years, so Neil takes him home for Thanksgiving.

The woman who used to be Alicia Witt goes on about how they're all the notes on his "great big piano of love" ( or something )

He gets up and vanishes. Donald Pleaseance looks concerned.

The hospital ( and he ) catch on fire. Donald Pleasance looks concerned.

She actually does leave, and Gregory Peck has to stay in Rome.

She goes back for the cat, and snogs George Peppard in the rain.

She and Fred Astaire dance a bit.

She can't work out what Cary Grant's real name is, and the clip gets used in Pretty Woman twenty tears later.

She finally gets a leading man that isn't three times her age, and shows us her bare back.

Sara Gilbert kills Drew Barrymore, and there hasn't been any of the promised lesbian sex scenes. Perhaps in the sequels...

He gets back, and everything has changed for the better. But then the Doc turns up, and asks him to go back..

They sort everything out, but the Doc gets struck by lighting, and he's stuck in 1955, and there's no car..

They sort everything out, and he gets back, but his girlfriend is played by someone else now.

We still can't get rid of the nasty suggestion that Lea Thompson wanted to shag a duck..

It's MRS Vorhees! Yes, really!

NOW it's Jason.

And again.

This time, too, but with some voodoo mixed in.

Yeah, again, although it's clearly dull now.

It's Billy Loomis and the other one.

It's the one no-one can remember and Roseanne's sister.

Nobody even cares. ( But it was Sidney's half-brother. )

They all die ( except possibly the girl, who's still on the other side of the road ).

She keeps him by the bedside until sunrise, which kills him.

He makes a cross out of a pair of candlesticks, and forces Dracula into the sunlight, which kills him.

They play Russian Roulette. You can guess the rest.

Audiences can't decide if he's a replicant or not. ( But Ridley Scott can: he is. )

He accepts that he's dead, and lets Holly Hunter shag the new boy.

It turns out to be Phelps, and there's an explosion in the Eurotunnel.

They get each other's faces back.

Vega dies, Butch gets away with it, Pumpkin and Honey Bunny get screwed by Marcellus, and the Wolf helps everyone out.

Robert Forester falls in love, but stays.

After singing about wanting to be free and being true to yourself, everyone has a happy ending.¹

He pushes Alan Rickman off the skyscraper.

He saves everybody, but his wife is getting pissed off with this sort of thing now.

He kills Jeremey Irons, but still has a hangover.

You do get to see Beatrice Dalle naked quite a few times more, but she ends up being mad. And dead.

He gets her to go on the plane with Victor. This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship..

Kenny looks like a normal, sweet kid.

Andie McDowell's badly dubbed ( by Glenn Close ). Nobody actually watched the film.

Andie McDowell's badly dubbed ( by Andie McDowell, oddly enough ). He should have chosen Kristen Scott Thomas.

Winston accepts that Big Brother is good.

Brian gets nailed to a tree, but is told to look on the bright side.

We get constantly promised that the film will get made any decade now, any everyone has thier own ideas as to what Marvin should look like.

We don't get to see as much of Christinna Ricci as the trailer suggested, but she snogs Johnny Depp.

Edward stays in the castle, and it begins to snow.

They destroy the Stay-Puft man.

The villan turns out to be John Cage from Ally McBeal. Nobody wants to make a third.

Kevin Bacon isn't the villian, because it's Denise Richards. except that it isn't, and it was all Neve Campbells's idea. Except that Neve Campbell is dead. Except that she isn't, and it was a shame that the lawyer was a scumbag like Bill Murray. Except that it isn't, because Neve Campbell planned it that way.

Bambi's mother is shot.

Christan Slater decides to light her fag by blowing himself up.

Johnny Five is alive!

Johnny Five is still alive! ( Can someone shoot the annoying f****r? )

Steve Guttenberg gurns, and grins at naked girls in showers.

He does it again, but there's less showers.

Clearly pissed off with the lack of girls in showers thing, he never comes back.

Her arm suddenly shoots up from the grave.

The poster hides his escape tunnel. Now, how did he tack it back on behind him?

They have to execute him, even though they know he's innocent.

Demi Moore's hair is short, so it's a good film.

Demi Moore's hair is long, so it's a bad film ( although she will let you gaze at her breasts ).

Demi Moore's hair is medium length, and we've got one of the Baldwin clones, so it's a God-awful film ( although you do get to see Anne Heche in glasses, and not much else, except post-coital sweat ).

Anne Heche and Harrison Ford get it on

Harrison Ford and Kristen Scott Thomas get it on.

Kristen Scott Thomas and Ralph Fiennes get it on ( but she dies ).

Joesph Fiennes and Gwyeth Paltrow get it on ( but she leaves ).

He makes her a metal finger.

There really is no place like home.