This is the standard greeting of the ned, the Scottish variant of the English chav¹. The rapid rise of the ned (non-educated delinquent, as they are popularly known) is not to be ignored, being found all over Scotland, particularly around Glasgow and Central Scotland (most notably in Livingston or Falkirk). They have spread as far as Edinburgh and Fife, although they are not as numerous as their west coast cousins.

Identifying a Ned

Thanks to the popularity of Burberry and the wearing of sports clothing as casualwear, the ned is very easy to spot. The male ned will normally be spotted wearing tracksuit bottoms tucked into football socks, ultra-white, extra expensive trainers, baggy sweatshirts, fleeces or sports jackets and of course the regulation baseball cap with the bill bent in half to give it a point. The cap is almost always Burberry and is worn as high up on the head as possible. To top the look off, the ned will be dripping in cheap gold 'sovvies' (sovereign rings), thick gold chain necklaces, gold hoop earrings and the hair will be gelled flat on the forehead, the fringe sporting as many spikes as possible. There are rumours among non-neds that the more spikes you can gel your fringe into, the harder the ned is.

The female neds (or sengas) aren't much better. Normally to be found wearing much the same as the men, they tend to wear a polo shirt under the sweatshirt and have the collar standing up, probably to cover the many lovebites they always seem to sport. Their jewellery is much the same, although the girls like to have named necklaces, possibly because after three bottles of Buckfast Tonic Wine they can't remember who they are. This probably doesn't matter as they all seem to be called Kelly Marie, Joanne, Kylie or Lisa. On a night out, the girls tend to wear non-existent skirts, white stilletos or Ug boots and tops that show the maximum amount of skin while not necessarily hiding the senga's modesty. Normally accompanied with a pram or buggy and a couple of kids of walking age, the sengas aren't fussy about who they sleep with and it is very likely that each kid has a different father.

Types of Ned

There are many different types of ned. The most common types are listed below:

The Common Ned

These are the ones you are most likely to see, as the name suggests. Kitted out in the uniform as described above and normally of school age (primary and secondary), they move about in 'squads' with names that invariably end in 'Young Team'. They are mostly spotted hanging around bus stops, chip shops and parks harassing innocent passers by with phrases such as 'whit you lookin at, ya rocket?' and 'look at you, ya dobber'² whilst brandishing bottles of whatever cheap drink the local corner shop will sell to an underage ned. These groups will normally have a leader called either Boab or Stevie, a cheeky wee ned and a goon ned. The cheeky wee ned will normally be no older than 14 and still pre-adolescent. He's the one that mostly shouts out to the passers by but if you were to turn on him he'd run a mile back to his squad or send out the goon ned. The goon ned is tall, built like a brick outhouse and of lower than average intelligence. The wee cheeky ned or someone similar will shout the abuse but the goon's job is purely violent. Easy to outwit, not so easy to beat in a fight.

The Dressed Ned

When a common ned becomes 'too auld' to hang around bus shelters (normally around the age of 18), they move onto the rougher pubs and clubs. Discarding the Nikes and the squads, they tend to spend all their Jobseeker's Allowance on designer clothes and shoes that are bought from less reputable sources such as some market stalls and the 'black bag man'³. The dressed ned is mostly seen at 3 am (chucking out time) outside the nightclubs fighting whoever or whatever has offended him in his drugged up, alcoholic state, accompanied by a gaggle of screaming sengas crying out 'leave um, it's jist no wurth it man!'. If the sengas are fighting, you are more likely to hear shouts of 'ah'll f****n kill ye, ya posh cow!' or 'C'mere an say that tae ma face, ya bitch!'. Of course, 99.999999% of the time the ned or senga instigates it. Bottles and 'chibs' (knives) are often used in these fights.

The Beggar Ned

Not so much begging as harassing, the beggar ned will latch onto the unsuspecting pedestrian and give their all into convincing you of their apparently heartbreaking sotry. This researcher has been approached twice by the same ned in the same day, who told two different stories. This researcher refused both times while on the second occasion pointed out he'd already approached her earlier that day and got a mouthful of abuse as he walked off into an off-licence. The beggar ned seems to think that the more outrageous the story, the more you are likely to believe it.

There are other types who you are less likely to spot on a day-to-day basis. These are:

The Psycho Ned

This guy is someone you really want to steer clear of. Not to be confused with the goons of the squads, the psycho ned will strike out at anyone or anything for no reason other than he feels like it. He's the sort of guy you see on programmes such as Crimewatch and Street Crime UK smashing in shop windows at 4 am just for the hell of it. If you see one, cross the street in case he accuses you of giving him 'the evils' and decides you'll look better with a knife sticking out of your chest or a broken bottle hanging out of your skull.

The Friendly Ned

The friendly ned is someone who will be highly aggressive when out with his squad but harmless on his own. Normally to be found up the back of a bus having a fag, drinking from a glass bottle of Irn Bru and reading the Daily Record, if you make eye contact he will talk to you. These neds all seem to have that horrible droning, whining voice and when they make conversation it'll be about football, drinking or fighting. They won't hurt you but for your own image's sake don't get caught talking to one of them. Believe it or not, the friendly ned is normally not shy of going to work for a living, although they do tend to spend most of their wages either on their numerous kids by different mothers or on their car. More on that later.

There are many other variants, but that'll do for now.

A Day In The Life Of A Ned

The workshy ned will only get up before midday if he has to sign on. If he is up before the lunchtime news, however, he is likely to be found watching Trisha or Judge Judy, the staples of ned TV. If he lives with a senga, there will be around four kids all screaming at each other and it takes all of the ned's effort to tell Jordan to stop throwing Shreddies at Chantelle or Brooklyn. Once he's woken up (at around 5 pm), it's time to go out to to see his dealer and go cruising in his or his friend's souped up Vauxhall Nova or Ford Escort. The car will be covered in alloy accessories, go faster stripes or spoiler and will have a head-splitting sound system which blares out a continuous stream of techno, hardcore or, if there are sengas present, Atomic Kitten or Girls Aloud. They love to hang around the empty car parks of shopping centres at night, Central Park in Falkirk being a favourite. However, they're just as happy driving up and down Lothian Road in Edinburgh or around the Gorbals in Glasgow blasting out their non-music and thinking they're God's gift. When they get thirsty or the petrol runs out in the stolen car (not all neds can afford to spend their benefits on cars), they head for the less favourable pubs and clubs to get 'oot ay ma boax'⁴ on whatever cheap and nasty drinks the pub or club sells. After a few hours of dancin', drinkin' and fightin', they head off back home ready to have an argument at 5.30 am before collapsing on the couch, ready to face another day.