A guide to your first monthes in this world
Created | Updated Apr 13, 2014
Once being born, you'll be aware of not being able to speak. Though temperary, it is still quite an inconvenience. A few moments later, after having an organ you've grown close to cut off, you'll get hit. Please don't take offense, they have no idea what they're doing. But this action will lead to the act that can change your first monthes in the world to a far more amusing experience: Crying. Later on, we will discuss the wonders of this phenomenon. Soon enough, after lying in a crib with a mass of other babies while people look at you through a glass window, thinking you can't see them and making fools of themselves, you will be taken out of the big building also known as a Hospital (get used to it, you might be spending a lot of time there) and to your new home. Once entering your first own room, you'll have an urge to redecorate. If you will sleep in your parents room, this will be less of a problem, but if they try to scare you off with a room full of clowns, hold in there, you'll have your revenge.
Food & Drink
Not having teeth, most kinds of food will be brought to you in the form of goo. This goo can be anything, as far as you know, yet it will always look the same. The forms of food will vary as you will grow teeth, which is a painful experience for itself. Drink may come in ways of bottled milk or stuff that resembles milk but tastes like the other liquid a cow puts out to the ground, or with bress feeding, if your mother is brave enough.
To order some food, you can use the way of throwing things at the wall, which can be done for fun or for testing your parents in any given time. Or, you can use the marvelous action of crying. To perform this, try to produce the loudest sound you can make without having to jump up and down (though it is a nice add-on when you're capable of performing it). This should resolt in a few worried people running towards you with everything you can possibly need, the testing each one, until they get the right one. The right one will usually be their last guess. Again, don't hold grudge, they too have no idea what they're doing.
Sleep
This is what you will do in three-quarters of your everyday life. Not only will your powers to fall to the sides will be fully restored, your throat will be cleared and well rested to a new loud day. When you will not be eating, sleeping, or be carried around by people you don't know, and, quite frankly, don't give a damn about, your two grown-ups will probably try to put you to sleep, while trying everything, including redicoulus songs. Let them, it can get amusing.
Toys
You may have noticed by now, that most your things are fluffy and three times your size. Yet spooky, it makes your parents think that you won't eat anything and generally makes them feel good about themselves. Again, no idea what they're doing. Sometimes, it can be fun to pull the button off one of your bear's shirt, throw the button aside and start crying. This gets really fun, and will probably win you another trip to the good old hospital. This will be a good place to throw up on the floor and remain unpunished.
Circumcision
If you are born jewish or to a couple of hip/psychotic parents, chances are you will be circumcised. This is ten times worse than it sounds, and will be a good chance to pee in someone's glass. This will probably win him a trip to the hospital. Anyhow, this ceremony, if it will not traumatize you, should be forgotten. Quickly.
These are the basics of what you should know to get along in the world, the rest of it you will develop your self or see on television. Thank you and good luck.
Food & Drink
Not having teeth, most kinds of food will be brought to you in the form of goo. This goo can be anything, as far as you know, yet it will always look the same. The forms of food will vary as you will grow teeth, which is a painful experience for itself. Drink may come in ways of bottled milk or stuff that resembles milk but tastes like the other liquid a cow puts out to the ground, or with bress feeding, if your mother is brave enough.
To order some food, you can use the way of throwing things at the wall, which can be done for fun or for testing your parents in any given time. Or, you can use the marvelous action of crying. To perform this, try to produce the loudest sound you can make without having to jump up and down (though it is a nice add-on when you're capable of performing it). This should resolt in a few worried people running towards you with everything you can possibly need, the testing each one, until they get the right one. The right one will usually be their last guess. Again, don't hold grudge, they too have no idea what they're doing.
Sleep
This is what you will do in three-quarters of your everyday life. Not only will your powers to fall to the sides will be fully restored, your throat will be cleared and well rested to a new loud day. When you will not be eating, sleeping, or be carried around by people you don't know, and, quite frankly, don't give a damn about, your two grown-ups will probably try to put you to sleep, while trying everything, including redicoulus songs. Let them, it can get amusing.
Toys
You may have noticed by now, that most your things are fluffy and three times your size. Yet spooky, it makes your parents think that you won't eat anything and generally makes them feel good about themselves. Again, no idea what they're doing. Sometimes, it can be fun to pull the button off one of your bear's shirt, throw the button aside and start crying. This gets really fun, and will probably win you another trip to the good old hospital. This will be a good place to throw up on the floor and remain unpunished.
Circumcision
If you are born jewish or to a couple of hip/psychotic parents, chances are you will be circumcised. This is ten times worse than it sounds, and will be a good chance to pee in someone's glass. This will probably win him a trip to the hospital. Anyhow, this ceremony, if it will not traumatize you, should be forgotten. Quickly.
These are the basics of what you should know to get along in the world, the rest of it you will develop your self or see on television. Thank you and good luck.
