Kiss
Created | Updated Apr 26, 2002
An act for displaying affection or love for another being. Whilst most animals kiss by touching each other with their noses, humans are fairly unique in that they kiss by touching with their lips. (So do monkeys, which itself lends weight to Darwin’s theory of evolution, but be wary of mentioning this to humans. Many will take offence at such a suggestion, believing their selves to be superior, and therefore unrelated to all other species on their planet.) For humans, there are various different protocols for kissing. To kiss another on the cheek indicates friendship and/or allegiance, and in some races it is an ancient ritual performed when greeting or leaving another socially. The Guide recommends however, that you find out first when you are in a new culture what their particular customs are for such occasions. Some, for example, spit on each other’s faces, while for others (especially it seems for males greeting males) a good hard whack on the back, or a pat on the bottom will show the necessary affection. When humans kiss each other on the lips, it is often so that they can share an intimate, passionate experience. Especially if they stick their tongues in each other’s mouths and engage in fighting with their tongues and sucking on each other’s saliva (this is known as a ‘French Kiss’). In this situation it is quite possible that the sexual act will follow. The general rule to follow is to kiss those you like, and if someone you don’t like kisses you, wipe your hand over your lips and make lots of noisy spitting sounds. (Again, you would need to be certain of the social customs followed by the other before taking such action.) An unusual type of kiss in the human world is the ‘Kiss of Death’. You might not know when you’ve received it, but a good indication is that the person kissing you is a big, fat man called ‘Don’ who smells of cigars and Grappa. You can be certain you’ve been given the Kiss of Death if while kissing you on the lips, Don squeezes your cheeks and sends ‘the boys’ out with you. The Guide advises that if you find yourself in this situation: run like hell. Get out of the country, and preferably off the planet as fast as you can. If you don’t, it is likely that you will end up dead, and we will take no responsibility for this happening. Nor will we compensate your family in any way. If you can manage to avoid this man, The Guide highly recommends that you sample a kiss. If done right, it can often prove to be one of the most pleasurable exchanges you are likely to experience with a human on the Earth.
