The investigation into the legend

Deep in the depths of the Mariana trench is a legend so mystified and controversial that it must be untrue otherwise society would collapse, civilisations would fall and most terrifying realisation of all, Thursday would be renamed.

After chatting with various deep sea life forms, the legend became more and more different. As though this once proud and ancient story had become entangled with other fiction to make it more interesting, either that or Disney had made it into a film.

More dramatic revelations had yet to come. After a lengthy conversation with an angelfish. I had realised that this legend was more wide spread than I first thought. The angelfish then said that the story was about Thor so it had to have been. Then I replied I hadn’t heard the story, then it said you cannot become a true Thursdayite without knowing the dreaded secret of the bar vouchers.

I then asked him if he would tell me the legend, he couldn’t. I asked him whether anyone else would be willing to tell me the legend. He said yes.

We swam across the icy shores of Utsire, just off the Nordic coast, island of Shipping forecast fame. He told me to go and talk to a local McDonalds worker. So I put my shoes on and walked along the beach to the town.

I met the McDonalds worker in a Starbucks, he didn’t want to be identified, and he seemed hesitant to tell me the legend. I offered to buy him a drink but he still looked rather tense. Then he told me out of the blue that he didn’t want to be told the legend, it made he felt as though he was being used by a higher force. I told him there and then, if he didn’t tell me the legend I would impale him and stick his head on a spike. He then told me the legend.

Word of warning

After hearing the legend myself. I did feel the need to take several days holiday to recuperate. This legend contains scenes of immense violence, strong nudity, offensive language and some scenes which readers may find distressing. The legend contains scenes of flashing lights which cause photosensitive epilepsy.

THE LEGEND OF THE THURSDAYITE BAR VOUCHERS

May the gods smile upon you

Uranus was beige, Terra was covered in sprouts. There was a general feeling of boredom in the atmosphere around him. Thor had passed a sign which said “Welcome to Belgium” awhile back and the place around him was making him more and more tired.

There was just the same view all around him, the occasional poppy field and windmill were making him feel less vibrant. The muddy road was completely straight and offered little interest. So he carried on walking on it to get to his destination.

Mjolnir was feeling heavy on his back (that’s his hammers name by the way). He decided to whack it down on the ground while he had a rest, however when he did this it created a lightening bolt which shot up directly up to Uranus.

“Oi, what do you think your doing?” boomed Uranus.

“Sorry” boomed Thor in reply.

“I’ll make you sorry” said Uranus. The sky then opened up and it rained directly onto Thor. He picked up Mjolnir and continued along the road, soaking wet.

After a few years he thought he could smell something, he thought since the road would probably carry on like this for another few decades, he‘d would go and investigate. It was coming from the right of him, he creaked his head to have a look at the fields of sprouts which has been on his peripheral vision for eternity. He turned on his heels and walked down towards the field. He then had another sniff.

The smell had changed slightly, it smelt like water and paper with a hint of plastic. He walked into the field crunching on the hard sprouts.

“What’s that smell?” he asked to the world around him.

The world didn’t reply. The smell was getting stronger and had changed to a burning Sulphur a lá smelly socks. Then there was an inconspicuous humming sound, he ran to the source of the smell and sound and then stopped suddenly. He noticed that the sprouts in front of him had been crushed. He looked from horizon to horizon and then followed the crushed sprout path.

All of sudden a horrible brown thing came into view and he fell over backwards in fright.

He looked up, listened up and smelt up and discovered that this was the entity that he been looking for. It was an old wrinkly women, covered in dirt as though she thought a bath was something foreign people did. She looked as though she survived a rough fight with her mouth out of shape.

“Who are you handsome?” she asked in a slow Belgian accent.

“I am Thor, Nordic god of thunder, crops and children” he belted from his position.

“I’m Helga, I collect urine to make gunpowder”, she helped him up. “Can I offer to buy your urine?”

Thor seemed to miss the question, “What are you doing here?” he bellowed in his least aggressive voice.

“There is no other urine market along this road, I have the monopoly for myself. All I have to do is get people’s attention and they come to me”.

“Is that so?”

“Yes, it is?”

“Where do you live?”

“Live? I live to work!”

“That’s not what I asked. You must live somewhere to keep the wrath of Uranus off you”.

“Whose Uranus?”

“The Greek sky god”

“Never heard of him”

“There was a planet named after him”

“Was there, what was it called?”

“Uranus…you’re doing my head in”

“So what does he do?”

“Well I’d love to stay and chat but there are…”

“You can‘t go…I haven’t got your urine yet?”

“Well when I’m ready to…”

“No…I want your urine now” she shouted at the Thunder god.

Thor slapped the shaft of Mjolnir across the palm of his hand.

“Can I have your urine if I buy you a drink?”

Thor put Mjolnir back on his shoulder.

“Lead the way” he barked.

*****

The bar was idle in the middle of the sprout patch. It was a concrete hut painted in a murky pale pink and the small windows seemed to be covered in a yellow mould. Helga opened the decrepit wooden door that seemed to be there just a curtsey feature.

Inside there was no tables just a wooden bench that ran across the middle of the room. There was a man cleaning the bottles with dirty dish cloth that looked like a pointless and infinite activity.

“Hello Helga” said the barman.

“Can I have a glass of blue nun?” asked Helga

“Oh…” said the barman in a drone voice. “You have brought a friend”. He picked up a bottle of blue nun and poured it all, overfilling the glass so he could clean the bar. “What will you have?”

“I” shouted Thor, which woke up the sleepy mould on the wall which had been bored into denaturisation. “Shall have a keg of mead”.

“Hang on” said the barman while he went ‘round the back’.

Helga pulled out a jar, “When your ready, pee into this”.

Thor reluctantly accepted the jar.

The barman returned carrying a small barrel underneath a large glass jar which looked as though it contained urine.

“That will be five euros for you Helga and two euros for you mate”.

“Well here’s your five euros” she said handing the barman a note from a pocket somewhere on her baggy jersey. She then opened her purse and fumbled around trying to accumulate enough cents to pay for Thor’s drinks.

Two heavy brutes barging in, wafting the door aside and didn’t wait around in shooting Helga. Helga slumped onto the floor covered in blood and urine. Thor slung Mjolnir and hit one of them directly in face completely crushing his head. The brains and blood mashed together to form a mush which became stuck on Thor’s hammer. The brute tried to reload his gun while Thor tried to get Mjolnir out of the brain solution.

“So why did you kill her?” asked Thor wriggling his hammer.

“She stole our Dons urine, and no one steals from our boss” said the goon still trying to reload.

He managed to decapitate the dead brute and swung Mjolnir into the other brute sending him flying out the door into the sprout field.

Thor walked over to the body of Helga. He looked at the cents spread all over the floor. The barman stood shocked, still cleaning a glass with dirty cloth.

“Are you alright?” asked Thor closing Helga’s eyelid, the other one had been shot off.

“You will still have to pay for the keg” said the barman.

“But I don’t have enough money”

“I’m sorry but I am the god of thunder, crops and children. I’m not going to be seen robbing a dead women for her last pennies”

“Well…” said the barman, “there is an old method of payment which was discontinued when I found this place”

“I’m not washing the glasses or being a prostitute!”

“No…I’m taking a part payment that is popular as presents for people who are difficult to buy presents”.

“You mean some sort of voucher?”

“yes, but for a bar!”

“A bar voucher?” said Thor shockingly. “Never have I heard such a thing”

“But they’re out there, somewhere, there could be a few of them or there could be millions of them, but you must find one otherwise you won’t be able to pay for this Mead”.

“You have my word as warrior from the halls of Azgard”.

“A simple yes would have done”

Thor wheyed off leaving the barman with the two mangled carcasses and an empty bar. He put the five euro note in the till.

To Hel and back

Uranus was orange and Terra was bare and naked. Thor felt stronger, he could feel the agriculture start to flow through him. He was nearing a settlement. Children ran past him synonymously, he felt the need to smile. Something which he hadn’t done for a while. This sense of an increase in life and variety in surroundings made him happy.

However what he was about to see didn’t. There was fire ahead and lots of it.

“Kagutschi, you oaf! I am so angry. If I get an inkling you are flaunting the dregs of your talent. I will cover your vole in glitter” bellowed Thor as he ran to the source of the burning.

“Oi…oi…I was summoned here” said Kagutschi, “I have no wish to be here as much as you…there’s nothing worth setting fire to!”

“Balderdash”

“I’ll leave soon as the laws of physics do something about”

“Why doth you not burn out!”

“You get to burning!” sang Kagutschi.

“Indra…oh please extinguish the flames of Kagutschi”

“Nah!” replied Indra, “I’m too busy continuing my thousand year wrath on the people of Manchester”

“Okay, Uranus…”

“Get stuffed” shouted the sky god.

“Will you stop spreading!” demanded Thor to Kagutschi.

“Hai…hai…calm down” said Kagutschi.

“Who summoned you?”

“It was the thingites!”

“Why?”

“They know of your mission to find the missing bar vouchers and plan to destroy them before you find them. They plan to make sure you don’t pay for your drink, hoping that the people will begin to disrespect and discredit you and then take your beloved day away from you!”

Thor opened his fur coat and took his day out of his inner pocket. He looked at it with a glistening gaze. Only seven days were made and Thor was going to make sure he was going to lose his. He put his day back in his inside pocket.

“It’s my day and I’m going to keep it!”

“Good on you” said Kagutschi as he burned himself out.

Thor looked around at the smouldering wood. He stood carefully on the ashes as he looked around. He went into a small hut where he found a man lying down badly burnt and covered in blood. The man was struggling to breath.

“Who are you?” gasped the man.

“I am Thor God of Lightening. God of Crops and God of Children”.

“I’m…I’m Eric von shearer, I shear sheep”.

“Pleasure to meet you” said Thor as he shook the dying mans hand.

“Can…can I help you?”

“I’m looking for bar vouchers” said Thor. The man struggled to point at a now charcoaled area of the room. Thor walked over and sifted through the ashes. He found an extremely blue piece of paper amongst the ash. He could see quite clearly that is a bar voucher, he felt the glee flow through his veins until he looked more carefully. Where the ‘tick if void’ box was, the paper had burnt right through.

“No…” Thor screamed.

“But please” shouted the dying man which was barely detectable even by a god ear. “please take my WD40”

“Why?” asked Thor.

“It’s the only thing I have left…not even my life”

“It’s alright…I’ll look after it” said Thor as he held the dying man’s hand. The dying man took one last look in Thor’s eyes and died.

******

“Why?” asked Thor as he stared into the camp fire which the survivors had built.

“They have to do what they have to, to get what they went” replied Kagutschi. Thor stood up and stepped away from the fire. He looked at the bottle of DW40.

“I thought my fellow gods were mysterious”

“You could always go the underworld and ask him” said Kagutschi in despair.

******

“Welcome to Helheim, how may I help you?” asked the Usher at the gates.

““Can I speak to Hel please?” asked Thor.

““Yes sir, I’ll take you to Eljudnir”

““No…I want to speak Hel”

““Eljudnir is where she works”

““Oh…I’ve never been here before”

““I would never have guessed”

““Hello Hel” said Thor as he walked into the hall of Eljudnir.

““Hello Thor, haven’t seen you for awhile, I’m a bit busy at the moment, there’s a bit of a battle going on so there’s a lot of applications flying around. Do you want to wait in the waiting room, there’s tea and biscuits?” replied Hel.

“Sorry about that” said Hel walking into the waiting room. The waiting was full of dead people trying to get decent accommodation.

“I can see Garm is looking as fluffy as ever”.

“Woof” said Garm, as he was a hound. “Ran ran”

“Is this a social visit or do you want something?” Hel asked.

“Yes…do you know whose this is?” said Thor showing her the can of WD40.

“Well I never” said the dying man as he walked in, “that’s my can of WD40. You brought it back to me. Thank you”.

“Yes… can you tell me why you gave it me” said Thor handing him it back.

“Because I knew that you would end up coming to find me in order for me to tell you why I gave it you”

“yes but WD40, why? Why not jewellery, gold, a weapon or even a towel”

“I’m shear sheep for a living, what do you expect? Without WD40 my shears would seize up and I would have fluffy sheep and no clothes to wear”.

“Fair enough”

“You are looking for bar vouchers…there is a cashier in Düsseldorf who gives them away whenever she runs out of cents. You may wish to try your luck on her…”

“Thank you”

“No thank you”

Hitting people on the head with a large metallic object preferably some sort of bit of lead pipe that you can get from B'n'Q.

“Ouch, you swine” said the man as he fell to his death.

******

“kaliméra” said Gaea as Thor returned back to the flourishing empty planes that covered the landscape.

“I must be at the airbus factory” exclaimed Thor.

“No” said Portunus, “this is the aeroplanes graveyard, it’s where good planes come to die”

“I’m not, I’ve still got my whole life ahead of me” said Concorde.

“Shut up” said Portunus as he slapped Concorde around the ears.

“Ah…I’ve got to get to Düsseldorf”

“I can take you” said Concorde.

“I’m sorry” said Portunus giving Concorde another clip. “There is no kerosene, these planes aren’t going anywhere”

“That’s true” said Concorde without receiving another clip.

“Where would I get such a material?” bellowed Thor at the sound of yet another quest. Thor liked quests, it gave him the chance to bellow.

“Tut” said Portunus as he thought long and hard eventually coming up with “Düsseldorf is probably your best bet.

“If I were to get you this material…”

“Kerosene”

“…will you give me this slinky metal beast of the skies!”

Concorde blushed.

“You’ll need a lot of it mate”

“How much of this material do you require?”

“Err…depends on how far you wish to fly?”

“To Düsseldorf”

“A few hundred litres will do you”

“Then I shall return with your prerequisite and I will claim my prize”.

Thor walked back out the graveyard, passing a group of Lancaster Bombers swapping old war stories. A B-52 wanted to join in the conversation but he was looked down upon because they thought he had it ‘easy’.

Thor marched down the now tarmac road with more vigour as his quest had taken a new direction. Terra didn’t like tarmac much so she surrounded the roadside with weeds. He could see the smoky city of Düsseldorf after a few days walk.

On the outskirts of the city, he saw the German children frolic on the side of the roads. He smiled and waved at them and they all told him that he was ‘mad’ and to get off the road. He walked into the first petrol station he saw, it didn’t hurt the war god.

“Hello, good sir” said the war god. “I am Thor…”

“Yar…what pump?” interrupted the attendant.

“There is no pump, I wish to obtain Kerosene and the means to move it, logistically”

“We only do petrol and mars bars mate”

“You cannot provide me with the material I require?”

The way the question was phrased confused the attendant, “Yar, I can’t”

“Can you tell me who can?”

“Yar, I can” he said scribbling a name and address on the back of a crumpled up receipt. Thor moved forward to receive the paper, Thor was given it in due course.

“Can I ask you why you need kerosene?” asked the attendant as Thor was leaving.

“Yes!” said Thor as he left. The attendant turned around to refill the crumpled up receipt bin. Just as he turned his back, he felt a large metal pipe hit his head, he felt outraged by this feeling as his body fell to ground. Thor didn’t look back at the petrol station kiosk but if he did, there wouldn’t be a story.

Thor looked at the address on the bit of paper, he then realised that this address didn’t mean I thing to him. Luckily for Thor, the attendant had written down a phone number.

Thor walked up to a phone box. The box stood there, smashed, beaten-up and in the need of severe engineering attention. Thor stepped side, the door creaked as it closed behind him. The phone sat there, stuck to the wall. He typed in the number on the keypad. He placed the phone near his head, with the receiver facing his ear and the microphone near his mouth.

“Hello” barked Thor, “I want to speak to the Kerosene man”

“He’s not in!” said the phone.

“It is urgent that I, God of Thunder, need to speak to him”

“Hang on…” replied the phone. The phone didn’t move, it just remained being where it was. “Yeah I found him, I‘ll put him on”.

The phone made funny noises like it was eating something, when the phone box again it had an Australian accent. “G’day mate…how can I help ya?”

“I need kerosene”

“You’ve come to right bloke mate…We’ll sell you some direct mate if you come to the oil refinery”.

“Where is this oil refinery?”

“You know that note the petrol station guy gave you”

“Yes” said Thor looking at the yellow bit of paper.

“It’s there”

“This paper is not at your oil refinery”

“Do you have a stamp?”

“Yes”

“Put the stamp on the paper”

“I have done as you have requested”

“Now post the paper in a post box”

Thor put the phone down to pop outside to post the letter. Once he did that, he went inside and picked up the phone again.

“I have done as you have requested”

“Now follow the paper whenever it moves”

*****

Thor arrived at the oil refinery next morning, he had spent the night sleeping at a post office. He came in following a post man who was only a few nerves away from calling the police. After the post man had dropped the letters and ran away, Thor approached the receptionist.

“I, Thor, need Kerosene”

“Oh, Paul is expecting you…I’ll buzz him” said the receptionist. The receptionist doodled on the bit of yellow paper, “tell me, what do you think of pipes?”

“Ah, Thor…” said the kerosene man wondering in as though it was a sense of occasion.

“I need kerosene” barked Thor.

“How much?”

“I need enough kerosene to fill a slinky metal beast of the sky”

“Forty-two cubic metres then”.

Paul lead Thor outside where there was a fuel tanker waiting, making ticking-over noises. Thor was inspecting the tanker, he wasn’t quite sure what to do it. He presumed that it was a metal cow that secreted the kerosene instead of milk.

“How do I kerosene the tanker?” asked Thor.

“Just tell the driver…” said Paul just as he was struck down by a large metallic object. Thor looked at the wielder of the lead pipe, it was the receptionist.

“Nobody, but nobody, takes hydro-carbonic fuel away from my refinery” said the obviously mad receptionist. Thor looked at her with an unhappy gaze. He lifted up his hammer.

“No…” screamed the driver who had just wheeled down his window, “an electric bolt will blow the joint sky high. So stop being so stupid and get in the tanker”. Once Thor stepped in the cab, the tanker accelerated off leaving the receptionist standing in the middle of the tanker park.

Thor was amazed at how fast the kerosene cow could run, especially for it’s size. Within a few minutes they were at Portunus’s airport. As they arrived, the Spitfires and Messerschmitts were playing merrily along on of the runways, much to the annoyance to Portunus.

“I have returned with the Kerosene” said Thor.

“Ah…good, finally I can get rid of one of these aluminium comedians. I tell you Helheim is a luxury job compared to managing this joint”.

“I will take the slinky metal beast”

“Argh, just point”

Thor pointed towards Concorde.

“It’s a bit big” said Portunus, “are you sure you don’t want to take a smaller one?”

“No” barked Thor.

“Fair dinkum” said Portunus as he handed over the deed to Concorde. The tanker driver filled Concorde with Kerosene, and quickly left forgetting to ask to be paid. With that Thor and Concorde waved goodbye to Portunus and they flew off back to Düsseldorf.

Not answering my question

As the farmer finished telling me this tale. I asked him why nobody was talking about the legend of the Thursdayite bar vouchers. What were people afraid of talking about?

The farmer told me that what researching was dangerous, especially since the thingites had began infiltrating the Thursdayites. I asked them who the thingites were, he told me that Thor’s day was still under threat from evil forces. He continued to say that I should go and find the Resiste guards, they defended the week system and didn’t take too kindly to the thingites.

I asked him to tell me the rest of the story, he said that he had told me enough. I should seek out the Resiste guards, they do not fear the thingites.

I asked him where the Resiste Guards were, he said if he knew that he wouldn’t be here. And with that, he went away to seed some crops.

I decided to go back on the trail of Thor in the legend. I travelled to Düsseldorf. I visited both the airport and the oil refinery, both organisations didn’t know any of the legend of the Thursdayite bar vouchers. I believed that they did know the legend, however, they were afraid to talk about it.

Just when the trail was starting to dry up again, the answer came out of the blue. A little bird told me.

The anti-climax

Thor walked into Dusseldorf city centre. It was one of those city centres which looked like it had millions upon millions of euros spent upon it and looked considerably better than your home town centre. There were many people around him, most of which didn’t really care that the god of war was walking against them.

“You know you’ve got to walk on the right” screamed a passer-by after an uncomfortable Droitwich, “You’re not in Britain or Japan now!” Contradictory to Thor’s normal way of dealing with unfriendly people, Thor didn’t hit the passer-by on the head with a hammer. Thor took more interest in which supermarket the man in Helheim had told him worked a cashier who gave away bar vouchers when they had ran out small change.

He decided to try Edeka. The doorman nodded him in and forced a trolley upon him. Before Thor realised what was going on, he was already at the butchers with a trolley full of fruit and veg. He was now feeling the chill of the supermarket. What he really needed was to get to the tills or even the information desk.

Thor pushed his trolley down one of the aisles until he reached the catwalk. The catwalk is the most dangerous part of the supermarket. Trolley traffic is at its quickest here. There are sharp corners with the aisles at which there is nearly always a collision.

Thor had to do something drastic, he ditched his trolley. This didn’t solve the problem of the hordes of families stampeding down the catwalk. He slid his trolley diagonally his trolley directly into the incoming traffic, this caused an insane amount of confusion in the catwalk. While people were coming to terms with the incident, Thor strolled across the catwalk and continued down the aisle towards the tills.

“Hello” said Thor when he reached a cashier.

By now the cashier had to overcome panic because a customer was talking to her and now she had to give a reply. “Guten tag” was the best she could come up with, with this short notice.

“I am Thor. I am looking for the legendary bar vouchers”

“Oh, those…” she said, “here, have one”

The cashier gave him a bar voucher. Thor looked at it pleasingly.

“Good…you have saved Thursday and my reputation”

“Oh…you do know that these are only valid at one particular public house in Belgium?”

“Yes, I know. For it is there my future lays”

“That’s nice!”

“I shall return to the halls of Azguard with my head high!”

“Excuse me, I’m really happy for you and everything but I have other customers waiting”