Buses
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
Suspected to have been the only cause of arthritis before computers, and originally designed as a (highly succesful) form of torture, buses are gods way of telling you that you need a car.
Standard british buses consist of the following:
1- one overworked, underpaid driver, who feels it entirely necessary to specifically start conversations with those who clearly despise him, and ignore desperate pensioners, who only use the bus so they can get out of the house. Generally, he will also feel highly inclined to stop every time another bus comes along, roll down the window and scream abuse/instructions/detailed descriptions of bowel movements across to his workmate.
2- 36 tattered, sub-standard chairs, made of everything and anything that costs very little and smells faintly of istanbul. Usually, most of these will have been in service for 45 years, and will have been skillfully repaired once each year, resulting in huge patches of random (usually psychadelic) 'material' stitched on with 8-inch gaps between each stitch. These 'chairs' are spaced one feet apart, in an attempt to correct schoolchildrens posture, and destroy anything resembling a glimmer of joy in the average rider.
3- 3/4 teenagers (situated top deck, at the back), usually smoking (but not inhaling, obviously), or arguing with the bus driver that they never smoke, or even have any knowledge of what smoking is.
4- several 'educational' posters, usually with hilarious annotation from the aformentioned teenagers, as well as several cigarette burns, also from those teenagers.
5- specifically lowered roof, positioned at exactly 5'9, simply as an act of revenge*.
6- a full set of 'windows', constructed from a combination of plastic and rare fungus, all of which, although covered in cracks, are completely indestructible.
And..
7- several hacking, disease ridden persons, usually leaning against a window, and leaving a long yellow streak (The analysis of which would result in the discovery of seventeen new elements, all of which are found in marmite and black pudding) against it upon their depart from the vehicle.
American buses are different only in that the driver talks to everyone, the seats are made of steel, and the windows are often made of glass.
*It is a well known fact that all small people are jealous of taller people, and as this was the case of the designer of the bus, he specifically modelled it on his dwarfed body, and tiny legs.
Standard british buses consist of the following:
1- one overworked, underpaid driver, who feels it entirely necessary to specifically start conversations with those who clearly despise him, and ignore desperate pensioners, who only use the bus so they can get out of the house. Generally, he will also feel highly inclined to stop every time another bus comes along, roll down the window and scream abuse/instructions/detailed descriptions of bowel movements across to his workmate.
2- 36 tattered, sub-standard chairs, made of everything and anything that costs very little and smells faintly of istanbul. Usually, most of these will have been in service for 45 years, and will have been skillfully repaired once each year, resulting in huge patches of random (usually psychadelic) 'material' stitched on with 8-inch gaps between each stitch. These 'chairs' are spaced one feet apart, in an attempt to correct schoolchildrens posture, and destroy anything resembling a glimmer of joy in the average rider.
3- 3/4 teenagers (situated top deck, at the back), usually smoking (but not inhaling, obviously), or arguing with the bus driver that they never smoke, or even have any knowledge of what smoking is.
4- several 'educational' posters, usually with hilarious annotation from the aformentioned teenagers, as well as several cigarette burns, also from those teenagers.
5- specifically lowered roof, positioned at exactly 5'9, simply as an act of revenge*.
6- a full set of 'windows', constructed from a combination of plastic and rare fungus, all of which, although covered in cracks, are completely indestructible.
And..
7- several hacking, disease ridden persons, usually leaning against a window, and leaving a long yellow streak (The analysis of which would result in the discovery of seventeen new elements, all of which are found in marmite and black pudding) against it upon their depart from the vehicle.
American buses are different only in that the driver talks to everyone, the seats are made of steel, and the windows are often made of glass.
*It is a well known fact that all small people are jealous of taller people, and as this was the case of the designer of the bus, he specifically modelled it on his dwarfed body, and tiny legs.
