An Untitled Story

Every day we used to go down to the park nearby, and every day without fail he would head straight for the far side of the park where there was a pond, nothing special, just a pond, maybe 50 yards across, shallow at the edge but getting deeper, quite deep, enough to drown in.

In the summer it was glorious, the bright sun glistening off the waters surface, and it was never humid, there was always a light breeze, just enough to keep you at the right temperature, never too hot, not too cool and it was always there, as if by magic, as if God was smiling and saying today will be perfect.

I would sit on the grassy bank at the edge and watch him, he would love to feed the ducks, and sometimes we would hire a rowing boat and go out to the middle and he would feed the ducks from there, other days he would just splash around in the water paddling, I wouldn't let him go too far. You would think he would get bored, which he never did, he loved the bullrushes, he loved the trees which hung over the waters edge that gave shade, everything.

Then in winter it was even better, no paddling now, but he liked to sit by the edge and watch it, he never got impatient he always sat there, he saw the leaveless trees, and the half frozen pond and he liked it. When our toes got too cold we had a kickabout to warm up, I'd have to drag him, kicking and screaming, all the way home.

One day, it had snowed, it was quite deep, and we didn't usually get snow, the pond was completely frozen over and I had to stop him from running over it. We built a snowman, 6 feet tall and just as wide we had a snowball fight, I let him win. We were just about to go when he saw something on the other side of the pond, I don't know what, and he went racing to it, across the pond, maybe he just wanted to do something I wouldn't let him do, I'll never know now.

He ran, as fast as he could, across the ice, any other day, any day but this one there would be someone there, a dogwalker or someone, someone to help me, but no, not today, today it was just me and him, I couldn't let him die, he was only three, 3 years old, I couldn't let him die, I couldn't let my brother die.

I went after him, trying to go fast and not slip at the same time, he was about halfway across, I shouted but he wouldn't listem, he was on the thinnest section of ice, I knew what would happen, he would fall in.But he was light and all he did was weaken the ice, I was the heavy one with big, clumsy feet, I was the one who got to the middle of the lake, I was the one who tripped.

Have you ever been in cold water? Of course you have, but have you been in freezing water, covered in a layer or ice? I didn't think so. Do you know what the first thing you do when you land in water that cold? Well, I know what I did. I opened my mouth.

Cold, cold water entering my lungs, emptying them of air. Ice above me, oblivion below. You struggle for a few seconds, try to break the ice, but the water has soaked your clothes and now they are heavy, you realise its too cold to struggle, better just to let it happen.
There's nothing you can do.